Detroit Lions vs. Green Bay Packers Game Diary

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Simba_Nala

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
December 29, 2014

It’s not every day that the Detroit Lions have a 11-4 record heading into the regular season finale with a shot at winning the division, hosting a playoff game and earning a ttst-round bye.

Hell, it’s been so long since this franchise had a home postseason game that if you were born the day that occurred you would be able to drink legally in about ten days.

So in honor of the biggest Lions regular season game in decades, I figured the DSR had to do something special. I decided to totally remove myself from Twitter — and “The Wire” marathon — and dedicate my full attention to penning a Lions/Packers diary in Bill Simmons-like fashion.

And while a Simmons’ retro post might be the inspiration for the following article, I promise not to:

1) Mention how great my seats are for the game. Mainly because I am not at Lambeau Field and I am in my family room instead. Well, that and I am not an insufferable, sibling-less, narcissistic douche bag.

I have a sister.

2) I am not going to compare everything that occurs today with “Karate Kid”, “Rocky” or awful reality television programs.

3) I will attempt to refrain from trying to entice Larry David into a tenth season of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” by way of promising LD a “Curb Week” on the DetroitSportsRag.

And away we go ……..

4:22: The festivities kick off with a Fox commercial where a fictitious Lions team — coached by Herman Moore (what???) — is squaring off against lung cancer in a game of football. Huh? I am not sure the Patriots or Seahawks would have much of a chance against CANCER but the Lions vs. The Big C sure seems like a huge mismatch on paper.

I mean, lung cancer kills 160,000 people a year; the Lions have never even been to a Super Bowl.

Yep, I just checked. The Wynn Las Vegas has Lung Cancer -5,000 over the Lions.

4:26: The Lions first play from scrimmage is a run up the middle for Reggie Bush. Joe Lombardi has seven days to scheme this shit and every week we start off with a dive up the middle. No one will ever confuse the Lions offensive coordinator with Figment from Epcot Center.

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4:28: Some hot blonde with great, wavy hair just crushed Matthew Stafford for a sack. If you wagered on the Lions running on their first play and parlayed it with going three-and-out to begin the game, congratulations. Go cash your $2.10 for every $2.00 wager.

4:29: Terry Foster is a real piece of work. Does this spamming douche bag have no dignity whatsoever? ……..

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4:29: Eddie Lacy with a 22-yard run, followed up by an 8-yard run by the Packers’ running back out of Alabama for a first down. Just HORRIBLE tackling by the best run defense in the NFL.

4:31: Now a huge James Starks run to set up a first-and-goal. Just wait until Aaron Rodgers has to throw the ball.

4:33: Not a good start for the defense as James Ihedigbo earns a pass-interference flag on third down as the Lions safety holds Jordy Nelson’s jersey for approximately the same length of time that Gustav Nyquist controlled the puck in OT Saturday night before scoring the game-winning goal.

Luckily for Nelson, his jersey isn’t made of the same material as those old Hulk-a-Mania t-shirts Hogan used to wear because it looks really freaking cold in Wisconsin today.

4:34: And for the record, when Foster earlier pimped out “his” Tex-Mex joint on the East Side, the five-tool imbecile didn’t even get the CITY right.

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Ya gotta believe me.

4:37: Well, that was a huge defensive stand as the Lions turn back Green Bay on 4th and 1. A run call at the goal line? Against THIS team? Mike McCarthy’s horrid play-calling cost his team any chance of winning the matchup at Ford Field and he’s off to a great start this afternoon!!!!

4:43: Joe “Ted Cruz” Lombardi calls 64 runs in a row (maybe exaggerating a little) and then Stafford throws a ball into the Lions’ bench. I’m pretty sure Bill Keenist was the closest eligible receiver on that scud.

Oh, and if you don’t know who Keenist is …. he’s the Lions’ Chief Scumbag of Propaganda.

4:44: Oy vey. Micah Hyde returns a Sam Martin punt 55 yards for a touchdown. The last time the Lions won a game in this joint, Mel Gray returned a punt for a TD. In other news, I believe I have a second cousin named Micah. I don’t talk to half my family, so I can’t be sure. This fact surprises you?

Packers 7 Lions 0 

4:49: DSR co-creator Gregg Schultz just came out of his nine-year hibernation to bomb Pistons beat writer Vincent Goodshill. I guess Gregg didn’t take too kindly to the Lions’ lousy special teams.

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4:53: 28 minutes after the game starts, Lombardi remembers he has a first-ballot Hall of Famer in Calvin Johnson.

4:54: 29 minutes after the games starts, Lombardi remembers he has Golden Tate on his roster as well.

4:54: One of Goodshill’s followers came to his rescue to attack the G-Schultz. The first three words are so good. How do you grammatically fuck up 66% of a sentence? When insulting someone else’s intelligence, no less.

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4:55: Too much prosperity for Lombardi, so let’s run the ball up the gut for a negligible gain!!!! And also fumble in the process. Luckily for the Lions, Green Bay didn’t challenge the ruling that the runner was down. Because he wasn’t.

The Lions rush to the line to get a snap off before McCarthy can throw the red flag — except they have 12 men on the field.

4:56: We have had an Eric Ebron sighting. We have had an Eric Ebron sighting. A 22-yard catch which is the longest of his career. There is no truth to the rumor that he broke his previous mark by 19 yards.

5:00: And then Ebron drops a tough ball inside the Packers’ 10 yard line that HAS to be caught by the tenth overall pick in the draft.  Considering Martin Mayhew got next to nothing out of the 2011 draft and almost no help in 2014 (What will they find first, the Malaysian airliner, the Indonesian Airbus or Kyle Van Noy?), it is amazing that this team is heading to the postseason.

5:01: After a patented Lombardi 2nd-and-10 run play for a loss of one and an incomplete pass, the Lions are forced to punt. This is the house that Lombardi’s grandpappy built, right? It’s like watching Miles Davis’ grandson walk into the Apollo Theater and play out of tune.

5:04: Aaron Rodgers — in the shadow of his own goal line — almost throws a Pick 6 to Ndamukong Suh. DSR historians are looking it up, but we think that would have been Rodgers’ first home interception since he started banging Olivia Munn. Or is it Oliva Wilde? Not since Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel were in their heyday have I confused outstanding trim so often.

5:06: Too many men on the ice again for the Lions. Obviously Jim Caldwell figures that if the Lions are going to beat the Packers outdoors for the first time in 23 years, they are going to need a power play to do it.

5:09: The Packers are moving right down the field again when Lacy fumbles and Ihedigbo makes up for a couple of awful earlier plays with the recovery.

The Lions’ defense has been great this year. Even on drives like the first one of the day and this one — where they looked like total puke garbage — they still seem to figure out a way to bail themselves out.

5:12: An Android commercial that includes the song “Party Hard” by Andrew W.K. comes on my TV and, like Pavlov’s Dog, I instantly have a craving to play Madden 2003.

5:14: Megatron gets wide open and Stafford overthrows him because Matthew Stafford really sucks. 0-15 in his career on the road versus winning teams. Based on this performance so far, members of the 2008 Lions are starting to get cold sweats.

5:17: After some successful running plays, Ebron drops a 2nd-and-10 pass. 10th. Pick. Overall.

Here is a quote from Mayhew about Ebron on the day of the draft:

“He’s that kind of player that we can play a lot more 12-person with two tight end packages. (Brandon) Pettigrew will be on the line wide and this guy will be split out the way (Jimmy) Graham was used. He can really be like a third receiver for us.”

A third receiver. That’s what the Lions were looking for. A third receiver to go along with Tate and CalJo. That’s why they discussed trading up for Sammy Watkins. That’s why Mayhew would have taken Mike Evans if he would have been there at #10.

Because he wanted a “third receiver.” He never considered taking Odell Beckham — who went two picks later — though.

Now, I never suggested the Lions take Beckham before the draft. Of course, I wasn’t told that their dummy GM was going to take a TIGHT END who has trouble CATCHING the ball.

5:18: Another lousy pass by Stafford Stinks to Reggie Bush.

5:19: Caldwell decides to pass on a 49-yard field goal on fourth down and goes for it. Troy Aikman thinks the Lions should PUNT from GB’s 32 . Can someone send Aikman’s brain to Harvard Medical School for concussion testing? Yeah, I know he isn’t dead yet but it doesn’t appear that he is using it.

Punt from the 32. And for the record, between the field conditions and weather, I think Comatose Jim is doing the right thing here.

5:22: And Stafford overthrows Tate by about 30 feet on fourth down.

5:26: The New York Times 4th Down Bot disagrees with Caldwell’s decision to go for it. Well, “The Grey Lady” isn’t always perfect ….

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5:27: Rodgers and his bad calf scramble for 13 yards on 3rd and 8, but the MVP candidate definitely looks gimpy.

5:28: Randall Cobb gains 34 yards and takes the ball down to the Lions’ 10 yard line.

5:32: Rodgers throws a TD pass while on the run but looks like he got shot by an elephant rifle in the calf and needs the help of two Packers trainers to get off the field.

So to sum up the first half, Rodgers is throwing TDs with a serious left calf injury while a perfectly healthy Stafford would be overthrowing his receivers if they were the height of three-story buildings.

Maybe Staff hasn’t been coddled enough. Or been given enough weapons.

Packers 14 Lions 0

5:36: Rodgers is being carted off the field so insert your own “600 passing yards in a must-win situation for the Lions with Green Bay playing for nothing in 2011” Matt Flynn joke here.

5;37: Reggie Bush tries to do his best Barry Sanders imitation as he runs about 15 yards east-west and gains zero yards north-south. Well, his best Barry Sanders from the 1995 playoff game at Lambeau when #20 rushed for negative one yard. Not that the game was Barry’s fault, mind you; thanks to his sieve-like offensive line, he probably should have lost 40 yards that day.

Little boys have fonder memories of Neverland Ranch than Lions fans have of Lambeau. I am not saying this stadium is the Lions’ house of horrors, but Rob Zombie is in talks with ESPN to direct a 30-for-30 special about the Leos’ history in Wisconsin.

5:40: Now Stafford throws a screen pass behind a wide-open Bush. Even for a guy who is staring at 0-16 on the road against winning teams in his career, this first half of his is quite an accomplishment.

5:42: Golden Tate does what Golden Tate does. All of a sudden, the Lions are in business at the Packers’ 32.

5:44: After a horrible pass, a three-yard loss on a RECEPTION and another terrible pass, the Packers bail Stafford out with a head slap by Brad Jones. What an awful penalty.

5:45: Stafford and Johnson take advantage of Jones’ bonehead smack to Stafford’s helmet as #9 throws a frozen rope to the Pro Bowler for a 20-yard score.

With Rodgers’ return a question mark and only a seven-point deficit headed to the second half, this is a must-fucking-win game for this franchise. If not now, WHEN?!?!?!?!?!!?

Packers 14 Lions 7

5:57: We couldn’t get either Nickelback, Diana DeGarmo or Katy Perry to appear at halftime, so here is your entertainment for the break …….

6:04: On the first play from scrimmage of the second half,  Cobb gets gang-tackled on a run play. The Lions’ defense has to completely take away the run this half and hope Rodgers doesn’t return.

6:05: Flynn gets sacked and he is lucky the ball wasn’t stripped by Jason Jones on third down. This ain’t the 2011 defensive unit, Matt. Punt coming ….

6:09: Bush runs up the middle for no gain on the first offensive play of the second half because why the fuck not?

6:10: FINALLY a great throw by Stafford to Tate for a big first down to the Packers’ 40. Anyone want to guess the subsequent first-down play?

6:11: If you answered a run play for two yards, you win!!!

6:12: That asinine call is followed by another idiotic run, setting up a 3rd and 6. Bush gets five yards on a reception, which leads to ….

6:13: Stafford diving for a first down run behind Travis Swanson. The rookie center has played fairly well today other than a couple of wonky shotgun snaps.

Of course, he hasn’t given anyone the middle finger; called members of the Packers’ band “cunts” or “faggots”; or been late on child-support payments so he really doesn’t have the position mastered just yet.

6:14: Another first-down run by Bell …… for …… wait for it …….. NO GAIN. I want Joe Lombardi to die.

6:16: A first down catch apiece by Johnson and Jeremy Ross and the Lions are down to the Pack’s 4 yard line. See what happens when you throw the ball on FIRST DOWN?!?!?!??!?

6:17: And on FIRST DOWN, Megatron catches a perfect Stafford pass for a four-yard touchdown. His second of the afternoon. I mean, how much more evidence do Caldwell and Lombardi need before they realize that passing on first down WORKS?!??

Packers 14 Lions 14

6:19: Well, that positive news lasted about 45 seconds as Rodgers seems to be coming back into this game.

6:20: What the fuck was that? Martin pooches a kick that goes out of bounds and the Packers will start the drive at their own 40. Why would you even try something so idiotic?!???!

No franchise in sports history handles prosperity as well as the Lions.

6:24: The minute I start contemplating the possibility of the Lions getting the #1 seed throughout the NFC playoffs, they give up a huge play to Cobb and, just like that, the Packers are down to the Lions’ 19. Why the hell would you not have Martin kick into the end zone?!!?!??

WHY?!???!?

6:27: Jason Jones jumps offsides on 3rd and 8, turning it into a 3rd and 3. It would not have mattered if it were 3rd and 145 when Cobb gets wide open and scores a TD on a slant. When the Lions are getting obliterated next weekend at Jerry World in Texas, just remember that asinine Sam Martin squib.

Packers 21 Lions 14

6:34: Joe Buck tries to get Aikman to say that Barry Sanders was the best running back ever but the former Cowboy instantly brings Emmitt Smith’s name into the equation. Just how many hits to the brain did this guy take?

If Barry Sanders had Aikman and Smith’s offensive line in the 90s he might have run for 3,000 yards a season.

Larry Holmes makes more sense at this point.

6:35: After the Packers’ TD, the Lions go three-and-out as Stafford wasn’t on the same page with his receivers on ANY of his three throws. Fuck, they weren’t even in the same god-damn book. I cannot believe I got my hopes up for five seconds and started pondering that first seed.

With this franchise, fool me once … shame on me.

Fool me for 35 years ……. SHOOT ME.

6:39: Lacy makes a third-down catch, fumbles the ball and the referees rule he was down by contact. Caldwell decides to challenge the call anyway even though he was basically told by the ref that he was going to lose.

I am not sure what is worse ….

1) Not knowing the rule

or

2) Still challenging the fucking call after he was TOLD THE RULE!!!!!

6:44: The ONE good thing that Robert De Niro’s character in “Awakenings” has done since getting to Detroit is bringing in Teryl Austin. It ALMOST makes up for the horrendous decision to let Lombardi call the plays.

The only problem is that Austin might be gone in a couple of weeks when one of the organizations looking for a new head coach hires him away. Which means we would only be left with the man who doesn’t know when to call timeouts and doesn’t know how to properly manage the clock and his HORRID offensive coordinator.

On the bright side, there is always a chance that Caldwell gets hit by a bus in the next ten days and Austin gets the promotion here.

6:49: After a holding penalty, the Packers faced a 3rd and 18 and get the ball down to the Leos’ 35. Instead of going for it with the best QB in the free world, McCarthy decides to attempt a 52-yard field goal that is promptly blocked. I feel like I am watching the NFL version of Brad Ausmus vs. Ned Yost with these two.

6:52: Another first-down run up the gut and Bell fumbles. This fucking franchise. I feel bad for those of you who still have nerve endings and who haven’t yet been turned in to the Allen Park police by this organization.

6:55: Rodgers to Rodgers on 3rd and 5. Six yards.

6:56: Suh offsides.

6:58: Rodgers completes another pass to Nelson at the the 10. Has there ever been a calmer quarterback than Rodgers? Right before the snap, the guy looks like he is ordering a steak at Capital Grill.

6:59: Levy grabs the facemask of Rodgers, wiping away a third-and-long situation for GB.

7:00: Rodgers sneaks it into the end zone for a Packers’ touchdown. A fumble, a Suh offsides and a Levy facemask flag …..


Packers 28 Lions 14

7:08: And here comes the Lions’ Sense of Urgency after 3 1/2 quarters; a pass to Ross and an 18-yard run by Stafford ….

7:10: ……. Well, it doesn’t look like there will be any fourth-quarter miracle tonight as Julius Peppers abuses the Lions’ depleted offensive line on successive plays and Detroit has to turn the ball over on downs.

And I thought the police and the politicians closing down Hamsterdam was going to be the most depressing shit I had to put up with today. Fuck you, Tommy Carcetti. You’re a bigger weasel than Mark Snyder and Michael Rosenberg combined.

Memo to Lions fans ….

“The Gods Will Not Save You.”

As if you didn’t already know that.

7:12: It seems now would be the best time to drop this …….

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Did you expect much more from a team that prints PLAYOFF shirts?  PLAYOFF T-SHIRTS!!!!! These fucking losers. This shit makes “We Own the Central” gear look worthwhile. The franchise has won ONE playoff game in 56 years yet they have the unmitigated gall to sell PLAYOFF t-shirts. For $18 a pop. Unreal.

7:13; 3rd and 5 for GB and Rodgers completes a bullet to Nelson. Suh then does his best Ric Flair impression on Rodgers’ calf area; the star of “Dirty Work” was not impressed.

You would have to be out of your freaking mind to give this guy the benefit of the doubt at this point. Maybe for the first “step” but not the second. I am sure all of the Suh Apologists in Detroit will give him the same benefit of the doubt when he is in Cleveland or New York next year. The only difference between other Lions fans and me is I just started hating him a little earlier than you did.

7:21: Grounding in the end zone for a safety. Hahahahhhhhahahaha. Is The Old Man still dead? Also, Aikman doesn’t think that should have been grounding. Why? I have no idea. Green Bay 30 Detroit 14 

7:24: An onside punt after a safety might be the best Lions play all day.

7:25: Stafford just missed Theo Riddick by ….. oh why the fuck am I still watching this debacle?

7:30: A couple of nice catches by Riddick. I’m glad they saved him for garbage time.

7:31: Touchdown catch by Riddick and a two-point conversion by Bell. It’s a one-possession game.

7:33: Well, the conversion was overturned so now the Lions are down ten points. The game is over. If it wasn’t ALREADY over before the team’s plane touched down in Wisconsin the other day. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was.

Packers 30 Lions 20

Postscript:  After the game, Caldwell was in a testy mood and he took much of his anger out on Freep beat writer Dave Birkett. First, here was Caldwell’s response to a question by ESPN.com’s Michael Rothstein about the asinine failed challenge of the Lacy “fumble.”

So, after the game, Caldwell STILL didn’t know the fucking rule!!!!! How long has this guy been in the NFL and he isn’t familiar with the rule book?

Still confused, Jimmy? Here is Mike P. with a VIDEO explanation …

Got it now, dummy?

Soon after that query, Birkett asked The Cigar Store Indian of a Head Coach why the Lions didn’t blitz Rodgers more considering he was obviously hampered by the calf injury.

Let me get this straight. The man who just made an ass out of himself moments earlier when he clearly demonstrated he didn’t know the rules of the runner being down by contact insulted Birkett by telling him to “do his homework?”

Hahahahhahhhahhaahahha. How much “homework” was Birkett supposed to do before asking the simple question of whether it might have been more prudent to blitz a quarterback on ONE LEG more frequently in the biggest game the team has played in years? Maybe Dave needs to do some reading. He could start with the NFL rule book. 

So fucking funny …..

Well, at least this dolt knows THAT rule.