The Detroit Media’s AWFUL Response to the Tigers Elimination

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Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
October 13, 2014

Earlier this week, it was announced that former Detroit Free Press sports columnist Mitch “Condescending Baggins” Albom had been nominated by the Michigan Sports Hall of Fame for induction into that severely compromised museum.

Yes, an institution that once honored the WORST owner in the history of professional sports (William Clay Ford, Sr.) with enshrinement DURING the Matt Millen Holocaust is now considering the candidacy of a journalist who infamously wrote a story about an NCAA tournament basketball game BEFORE it occurred.

And if that transgression wasn’t bad enough to disqualify him from employment and induction (he should have been fired and probably would have been in this age of Twitter, social media lynch mobs, Deadspin, etc.), his “glory” days include spending several hours with former Red Wings head coach Jacques Demers without detecting the guy was ILLITERATE and famously writing a book about the “Fab Five” where he chronicled Chris Webber’s MONEY struggles.

(Even though Webber had taken hundreds of thousands of dollars from booster/bookie Ed Martin and almost everyone in Ann Arbor at the time knew C-Webb was living in the relative lap of luxury and not struggling to buy a freaking pizza.)

If Frodo Albom is inducted with the 2015 class and fellow nominee Sergei Fedorov doesn’t receive the requisite number of votes, the DSR will sponsor a protest of the induction dinner. That’s not a joke. I don’t care if I have to hire dayworkers to carry signs referencing Jason Richardson and Mateen Cleaves.

Myst Tangent: Kalamazoo’s own Derek Jeter is also on the ballot. Do the morons who run the MSHOF actually think “Jeets” will show up for this event? I mean, I might as well start a “Jeffrey Moss Hall of Fame”, induct Margot Robbie for her work in “Wolf of Wall Street” and invite her to the gala reception in my master bedroom.

Margot+Robbie+Updos+Half+Up+Half+Down+OxQ7hAZ8sSdx

If Albom’s once-promising career hadn’t already been compromised by the above humiliations, the last few years of his Freep output surely should have disqualified him.

Not that the guy is REALLY a sports columnist anymore — he hasn’t written ten sports columns ALL YEAR — but between his lowest-common-denominator attack on sabermetrics; his embarrassing “Brady Hoke enjoys steak, so he will be a good head man at U of M” article; and his attack on Starbucks baristas, Albom has become a parody of himself.

Hell, that pedophile actor from “Seventh Heaven” has done less to damage his legacy than Frodo has over the last few years.  Albom CLEARLY doesn’t watch sports anymore because he is too busy saving the people of Haiti and writing death-obsessed novellas for housewives with dried-up vaginas.

That is fine, but don’t come down from your lofty perch as America’s Foremost Expert on Dying, the Afterlife and Father Time to lecture us about the Detroit Tigers — a team you clearly BARELY followed this season — like you did in today’s paper.

Yep, this douche bag had the audacity to pen an article stating that Brad Ausmus should remain the Tigers manager. If “Condescending Baggins” watched ten Tigers games before the postseason, I will eat my laptop.

Let’s review some of the drivel Albom produced in this uninformed piece of garbage ……

Screen Shot 2014-10-12 at 2.25.23 PMUh …. yeah … ya death obsessed Keebler Elf, we HAVE been bitching about Ausmus’ bumbling all season long. If you hadn’t been in Port–au–Prince hanging out with Wyclef Jean and Sean Penn, you might have witnessed the Ivy League Imbecile idiotically playing small ball with the second-most potent offense in baseball; not realizing Bryan Holaday had a reverse platoon split; totally mismanaging the bullpen ALL YEAR; not comprehending the double-switch in the National League ….

Oh fuck, WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING? Does anyone reading this think Albom knows what a reverse platoon split is or who James McCann is??!?!!?!??! There is a better chance of him knowing all of the words to “If I Was President.”

The best part about Albom’s ignorant defense of Ausmus was that he unwittingly provided us the SMOKING GUN of why the Surfing Mimbo should be shit-canned……

Screen Shot 2014-10-12 at 4.13.19 PM Those six paragraphs are so beautiful on SOOOOO many levels.

First, Ausmus admits that he wasn’t worried that Anibal Sanchez might reinjure himself and that is not why he was on some asinine and arbitrary pitch count. I already debunked the entire “injured starter coming off a seven-week layoff” myth earlier this week with ample amounts of evidence anyhow.

Nope. Ausmus pulled Sanchez because he wasn’t sure the 2013 AL ERA champion could get through the 8th inning — even though the guy was LIGHTS FUCKING OUT in the 6th and 7th!!!!

It gets worse. Ausmus then admitted to his obsession with his relievers getting a “clean inning” as a reason he pulled Sanchez. So he brings in Joba Chamberlain (who stunk up the joint the night before and had a 4.97 ERA and 1.50 WHIP after the All-Star break).

“Now I gotta bring the next guy out with men on base.” 

Of course, that fat, unshaven sloth Chamberlain was the only one who was given this supposed benefit. The shutdown reliever Dave Dombrowski acquired in exchange for his 3rd- and 5th-best organizational prospects (Joakim Soria) never earned that respect.

Why Soria was brought to Detroit at the deadline to be treated by Ausmus like he was Cosette to Joba’s Eponine is something that Ausmus and Dombrowski refuse to explain. And not only has it confounded the Tigers’ fan base, it continues to baffle both Soria and his agent.  Only the sight of Soria performing a rendition of “Castle On a Cloud” would pacify me at this point.

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He wasn’t sure what he would have done differently? That comment should get him tarred, feathered and fired before the sun comes up Monday morning. He isn’t sure what he’d do differently?

Ausmus isn’t SURE WHAT HE’D DO DIFFERENTLY?!?!? Yeah, and if they weren’t dead, the flight crew of Air France Flight 447 would probably say the same god damn thing.

For starters, how about getting McCann and Tyler Collins some at-bats in September so you could have had a functional bench in the ALDS instead of Hernan Perez, Don Kelly and Holaday?!?!?!?!?

Or better yet, how about pitching Soria during the last weekend of the season against the Twins so he didn’t go EIGHT days without throwing a competitive pitch?

Or, I know this is crazy, but maybe, just maybe, keeping Anibal in Game 2 after mowing down the six hitters he faced while fanning two??!?!?!

This dolt doesn’t know what he would have done differently? I mean ……

And “Condescending Baggins” wasn’t the only Detroit media member who wrote a horrific column after the humiliating ALDS sweep. The DSR’s favorite punching bag, Chris “Officer Barbrady” McCosky also infuriated our editorial staff with this abortion of a piece on Monday.

If you are new to the DirtSpurt, you might not know that McCosky’s existence is probably a reason this place exists in the first place. We have quite a history with this lughead which includes this rebuttal to his attack on the DSR in his FIRST column with the Detroit News to the following Tweet where he basically threatened to kill me ……

I am TERRIFIED. What are you going to do, Chris? Take me for a ride in your car down Pontiac Trail?

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Why the blood-thirst? Are you fucking KIDDING ME, ya shitbag? This team has been one of the favorites to win a WORLD SERIES for years and they haven’t got it done. Or really come close.  

And they JUST came off a sweep in a series where they were favored and where competent management could have swung the pendulum in our direction and this LUNATIC doesn’t understand the fury?

And can someone explain to me why this know-nothing is writing about the Tigers? I thought we were rid of this POX when Josh Katzenstein replaced him as the Lions beat writer for the News and now we have to read his horrid baseball takes?

And I hear he might be angling for Tom Gage’s job when that relic retires which would be an absolute travesty. McCosky is a joke in this town. I had MULTIPLE members of the Detroit media (his supposed brethren) email me to ask when I would be taking Barbrady to the woodshed for this atrocity.

He isn’t respected by his supposed comrades because he had a long history of being too close to the Detroit Pistons management while parroting every Joe Dumars talking point and he got beat on every major Lions story by either Tom Kowalski, Dave Birkett or whomever was his competition at the time.

I mean, who is protecting this guy at this point? His union? Didn’t this motherfucker cross the picket line when the two major dailies were engaged in a prolonged labor dispute? But I digress ……

Screen Shot 2014-10-12 at 5.06.42 PM This was a constant theme in Albom’s column as well. Al ABQ couldn’t have pitched in those games because he isn’t strong enough mentally. All of his success comes during mop-up duty and garbage time.

Well, I could go to Baseball-Reference and refute Myth Albom and the police chief of South Park, Colorado, but I will just leave that up to McCosky’s co-worker at the paper …..

Well, that is kind of embarrassing now isn’t it? To get called out by a co-worker. And who — oh-by-the-way — SHOULD be Gage’s replacement as the paper’s Tigers beat writer if Gage ever accrues enough Marriot points and frequent flyer miles to live until 263 and calls it quits.

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Okay, we are being told by a sufferer of depression that we aren’t allowed to be saddened by ACTUAL EVENTS like investing years and years obsessing over this team only to see them get embarrassed in the World Series …. TWICE … lose a excruciatingly painful Game 163, get eliminated by a substandard Red Sox team due to a flawed bullpen only to come back the next year and get swept in the ALDS to a team without Manny Machado, Matt Wieters and Chris Davis because of …. ya know … a flawed bullpen.

This is a man who, in the pages of the Detroit News , admitted he can’t get happy over anything — including his children — but WE can’t get the blues that we are probably only days away from the KANSAS CITY FUCKING ROYALS playing in a World Series against one of the two teams that humiliated us in the Fall Classic in either 2006 or 2012!!!!!!!

And speaking of your son …..

Oh, no!!!! Here comes HELL. Maybe Mitch Albom can chronicle Chris McCosky bringing Satan’s Lair to my front door and pen a novella about it!!!!!

And if I am going to write an article about the Detroit Media’s atrocious handling of the Tigers’ season ending prematurely, I would be remiss not to mention hipster douche bag Anthony Fenech of the Freep and his co-worker, Drew Sharp.

You might only know Fenech from thought-provoking Tweets like the following ……

… but he took time from these earth-shattering missives to write his own AWFUL Tigers column as well. Here is just a taste of his ignorance:

Screen Shot 2014-10-12 at 5.33.42 PM

I mean, the guy was dead-on RIGHT until the point he said, “OK, just kidding.” Fucking imbecile.

Screen Shot 2014-10-12 at 5.33.42 PM

He is a winning player? What does that EVEN MEAN? Do you know what Torii Hunter is right now? A man who will turn FORTY YEARS OLD next season and who by every metric imaginable is the WORST defensive outfielder in all of baseball.

His WAR in 2014 was .4 and I can’t imagine it getting any better when he is celebrating the 2015 season by co-starring with Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann in a bad Judd Apatow movie.

If anything, Hunter is only a DH only at this point in his career and the Tigers better re-sign the one they already have on their roster.

And then, of course, there was typical Sharp idiocy in his weekly Freep chat ….

Screen Shot 2014-10-12 at 5.43.08 PM

Can you imagine? This bald, stuttering fuckface is STILL derisively calling Fister “Cy” after he just completed a season in which he put up a 2.41 ERA, a WHIP of 1.08 and a WAR of 4.5.

And Fister then followed that up with a postseason outing in which he threw seven innings of shutout ball thus extending the Nationals’ season another day.

And while ESPN was Tweeting out this little nugget ….

Screen Shot 2014-10-12 at 5.48.00 PM…… Sharp was mocking Fister for being unable to start EVERY game of the NLDS between D.C. and San Francisco.

Fuck, I have written over 2,200 words dissecting the egregious coverage of the Tigers exit and haven’t even mentioned Lynn Henning’s name or Gage’s “Miggy was Mean To Us” article.

And that is TRULY the bane of our existence. Not only do we have to get tormented during six months of underachieving baseball with poor management, we then have to suffer the indignity of being told we are stupid for questioning these people and that we are just over-reactionary dunces.

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles (not exactly Philadelphia, New York or Boston) the media is questioning whether or not GM Ned Colletti should still be in charge of the Dodgers.

Even though his teams have qualified for the postseason five of the last nine years; he drafted Clayton Kershaw; signed Yasiel Puig; and stole Hanley Ramirez from the Marlins, there is buzz that he should get replaced by the Rays’ Andrew Friedman.

In Detroit? We get told by a part-time sports columnist who cares more about adapting his latest maudlin novella to the big screen and who doesn’t even take the time to watch our city’s baseball team during the regular reason that we don’t know what we are talking about.

And Debbie Downer McCosky wonders why we are furious?

What fucking reaction SHOULD we have?