By Jeff Moss
July 22, 2011
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
I get a lot of Tweets and emails from readers who think I am the most negative person on the planet based on my hysterics on this website.
And I am not going to do much in this article to dissuade you from having that opinion. I mean, I took my wife to see Maroon Five last year at Pine Knob and when they debuted their new song “Misery” the M-Charl jumped up and down and screamed, “JEFF — THESE GUYS WROTE A SONG ABOUT YOU!!!!” True story.
(I am not sure what will cause me more grief in that paragraph. That I went to a Maroon 5 show or Melissa bitching at me that her last name is now Moss.)
And while it is accurate that I am a pretty big asshole, this site wasn’t really created to blow smoke up anyone’s ass or perform the functions of a fluffer. There are plenty of horrid Detroit media members to fill that role. Ass-to-Mouth Henning would be one good example.
And the name of the site is the DetroitSportsRAG for a reason and it has nothing to do with a women’s cycle. Although you probably couldn’t convince my critics of that.
So I am about to do something that is as common as a Haley’s Comet sighting, a Lions playoff victory or a four-star Michael Bay movie.
Pen a positive column. Yep, you read that right. A Mossisms™ not filled with vile, swear words and bitterness.
Because I gotta say I thoroughly enjoyed watching the Detroit Tigers play baseball last night. And it wasn’t just because the best Tiger pitcher of my lifetime was on the mound although that didn’t hurt.
(Sorry Jack Morris, but not only does JV have better stuff than you, I have never personally seen him at the Little Caesars on Orchard Lake and Long Lake wearing a FUR COAT.)
No, the Tigers/Twins matchup was so relaxing because the lineup didn’t include a player I despise and who I was actually rooting against.
Yes, I have been actively hoping for Ryan Raburn pop-ups and Brandon Inge K’s in the last few weeks because the last thing I wanted to endure was a mini hot streak from one of those two idiots that would have prolonged their starting status.
If you have seen the movie “There Will Be Blood”, you might remember the final scene with a deranged Daniel Day-Lewis acting completely pathological and throwing bowling balls at Eli.
Watch this clip to see Day-Lewis do his best Jim Leyland post-game presser imitation of eating dinner while continuing his conversation with Eli as well:
Well, picture THAT clip because it was basically my life during every Inge at-bat since he returned from his “mononucleosis” induced DL appearance.
“Did you think your song and dance (the they are pitching to me like Babe Ruth and Ted Williams 2-Step) and your superstition (grabbing your crotch after every hit) would help you, Brandon?!?!?!?!”
And quite frankly I can’t remember the last Tigers lineup that was so enjoyable to watch. Eight of the nine batters on Thursday had an OBP of over .300 and Magglio Ordonez will surely reach that mark soon based on his recent performance.
That might only sound like a minor sabermetric victory, but this is a team that has been running out Shane Halter, Deivi Cruz, Ramon Santiago, Adam Everett, Brandon Inge and Neifi Perez over the last decade so yeah, I am pretty effing ecstatic about this squad.
Just reciting those Total Puke Garbage™ (Ralph Wiley) names in one paragraph almost had me reaching for a bottle of Norvasc, but a Detroit batting order free of Rabinge is like my version of “Serenity Now.”
After an Austin Jackson strikeout, former WXYT program director Gregg Henson tweeted that the Tigers centerfielder was the new Inge.
Well, let’s put that into a little bit of perspective. IF Jackson went ZERO for his next ONE-HUNDRED FUCKING at-bats, his season average would be .190.
Seriously, the guy is ONLY batting .244 and he could actually go a month without getting a base knock and his average would STILL BE 13 POINTS HIGHER THAN SHANI’S HUSBAND!!!!! That is how pathetic Inge’s “hitting” has been in 2011.
If there is one thing that I am a little upset about is that this jackass didn’t force the Tigers hand and release him outright. Not that I am worried about “Wrist Flicker” going down I-75 and getting his swing back (not that he ever really had it in the first place), but I am sure he will get called up on September 1st and I was so hoping his career in Detroit would be over.
Really, if Emaciated Adolf doesn’t overly rest this club in the next couple of months, I would have to say this is the most enjoyable offense the team has had since 1993 when they scored 899 runs powered by Cecil Fielder, Mickey Tettleton, Tony Phillips, Travis Fryman, Alan Trammell and Lou Whitaker.
Other than Cancer Stick’s meddling the biggest landmine would seem to be Carlos Guillen staying healthy for the final two plus month of the season. The Tigers answer to Samuel Jackson’s character in the last good M.Night Shyamalan flick is the team’s biggest offensive question mark heading into the stretch because of his very breakable nature.
We are talking about a dude who once had PULMONARY TUBERCULOSIS!!! I mean, our second baseman’s health in the past would have been very good material for a Charles Dickens’ novel.
But I am not going to let negative thoughts seep into my head for now. The Tigers are in first place, the Wicked Witch of the Check-Swing Strikeout is in Toledo and Don Kelly and Raburn are on the bench where they belong.
This team is one trade for a starting pitcher and one Jim Leyland coma away from a virtual Tigertown Utopia and I am going to enjoy it for the time being.
And for those of you who might be of the opinion that I had some sort of dysfunctional symbiotic relationship with Inge and that I won’t have anything to rail on in this space because he is now a Mud Hen and not in Detroit, well, that is moronic.
(In related news, I did hear that Jamie Farr bought the domain ToledoSportsRag.com when he heard the news that Inge accepted his assignment to the world’s most famous cross-dresser’s hometown.)
It is the same nonsense that was spewed when Howard Stern left terrestrial radio for the non-government controlled satellite airwaves. The conventional wisdom was Stern would be miserable without the FCC to rant and rave about.
Well, Howard did just fine with his $100 million a year contract and I will be more than happy with a third baseman in Wilson Betemit who is batting 100 points higher than the worst 10 and 5 player in the history of MLB.
And just in case I get nostalgic, I do know where to find International League box scores.
FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK [VERLANDER] ALMIGHTY, WE ARE FREE AT LAST!!!!