By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
August 27, 2014

I should preface this article with the following caveat: I like Fox-2 Sports Director and Detroit Lions radio play-by-play announcer Dan Miller.

Miller has been a [mostly silent] supporter of this website since its inception in 2003. And not only did Miller peruse the main page for articles, the dude would lurk in the original DSR Forums. How do I know this?

Well, years ago he showed up at a “Stoney and Wojo Radiothon,” made a beeline to the DSR contingent in attendance and asked with faux anger, “Which one of you is BoKnows?”

Miller was also the first one to put me on television; I made a handful of appearances on the Friday evening Sportsworks as a guest with Woody Woodriffe.

Hell, Miller even signed this headshot for my wife (who thinks that “Dapper” is a good-looking gentleman).

Anyway, my major issue with Miller isn’t his work for the Lions. Yes, he is a total homer who has no qualms about calling out other Detroit sports organizations for their ineptitude yet he remains silent when it comes to the most inept franchise in all of sports.

But it’s not like the guy has much of a choice in the matter. His predecessor in the booth (Mark Champion) basically got fired for saying “Holy Mackerel” too many times while broadcasting YET ANOTHER Lions loss during the heart of the Matt Millen Era.

And it’s not even his annoying #GameDay hashtag that he drops on Sunday before Lions games.

Nope, it is his continued insistence on giving a weekly platform to the biggest collection of dolts and has-beens working in Detroit sports media during the roundtable portion of Sunday’s Sportsworks.

The worst part about his decision to lend legitimacy to these imbeciles is that Miller is fully aware that some of his guests are dummies. Look, you couldn’t be a fan of this sight™ (Terry Foster) to the point where ya used to read the FORUMS and not know that Pat Caputo, Drew Sharp and Foster are total abominations.

But out of some convoluted feeling of loyalty that would make Ken Holland blush, Miller keeps putting these fools on the air. Just look at the collection of “talent” Miller has managed to wrangle for his Sunday evening blabfest:

Jamie Samuelsen — A man who has a personality so bland that he makes watching paint dry look like a Michael Bay summer blockbuster in comparison. He doesn’t even make up for this deficiency with any particular level of insight. From his now-infamous Freep blog where he suggested that the LIONS should replace Millen with Holland and his quasi-defense of the William Clay Ford, Sr. ownership tenure to his recent exoneration of Brad Ausmus for the Tigers’ woes, Samuelsen’s sports takes are consistently awful.

Bob Wojnowski — A man who retired in 2002, but didn’t have the common decency to tell either of his employers. A lazy journalist who has been mailing it in since that first anthrax scare. A radio personality whose decision to totally rest on his laurels led to Terry Foster believing that he is actually good at something. Not since Jar Jar Binks voted for the Military Creation Act — paving way for the Empire to rule the galaxy — has a buffoonish character’s misstep led to such dire consequences.

Pat Caputo — You might remember the corpse of Pat Caputo. He is a columnist for a newspaper NOBODY reads and co-hosts an overnight program on 97.1 that NOBODY listens to. Let’s give the guy who not only bashed the Tigers’ acquisition of Doug Fister on WXYT airwaves because of his WIN/LOSS RECORD but also who wrote the most [mentally challenged] article of 2013 ANOTHER opportunity to spew his idiocy.

“The Pamphlet” is a confused wacko who believes that sabermetrics don’t account for various eras and that the steroid epidemic occurred during the Eisenhower administration. Inexplicably, Dapper Dan continues to make a conscious decision to put a national laughingstock on the air instead of trying some new blood.

And don’t even get me started on that pathological lying turd Foster. Like, can you imagine reading this website religiously and following me on TWITTER and thinking it would be a good idea to have African-American Matt Prentice on as an EXPERT guest?????

That would be similar to tuning in every single night to Keith Olbermann’s old MSNBC show during the Dubya presidency and then deciding to put Dick Cheney on a panel with Pol Pot to discuss the moral issues with torture.

And while you can ALMOST give a pass to Miller for giving panelist slots to his longtime friends Wojo and Samuelsen (as well as his charity work of keeping Grand Rapids radio’s own Sean Baligian in the Detroit spotlight), it is completely baffling that he grants airtime to a trolling douche bag like Drew Sharp.

THAT decision is unforgivable; Miller knows that Drew Sharp is nothing more than an attention-seeking piece of shit and yet, every few weeks, there is Not the Sharpest Drew on Fox–2 baiting fans of the Big Ten or taking some outlandish position to draw heat like some Stephanie McMahon/Paul Levesque subplot that quite never made its way out of the Stamford, Connecticut writers meeting.

Drew Sharp is an unlikeable asshole who has played second fiddle to Frodo Albom for years and has repeatedly FAILED to make a name for himself in sports talk radio. Unfortunately, he has taken that bitterness out on us. Dan Miller thinks this schmuck is worthy of your attention. A man who, as late as THIS MORNING, was still defending Doug Fister being traded to D.C. for Poor Man’s Casey Crosby, Phil Coke, Jr. and Italian Don Kelly.

For fuck’s sake, even Lynn Henning recently quit defending the baseball trade equivalent of the James Foley beheading video.

Look, Dan, when you aren’t sure whether a columnist is taking a principled position on a topic or is just trolling the Tigers’ fan base … well …. it’s probably not a good idea to champion that guy’s cause.

Seriously, take a gander at what Drew Sharp Melendez had to say just hours ago about Dave Dombrowski’s historically awful trade of Fister to the Nationals.

Yes, the Tigers had to trade either Rick Porcello or Doug Fister because they were going to lowball Max Scherzer a few months later with an offer they KNEW he and Scott Boras WOULD NOT ACCEPT.

WHAT?@?!???!!!?!??@?$??@??1?!!@$?@#%

I hate to go to the Die Hard well twice in one ard, but …….

“Hey, what am I, a method actor Hans, babe? … Put away the gun, this is radio — not television.”

Can you imagine this simpleton? You could have made Scherzer an offer he would forever refuse without gutting your starting pitching staff.

But it gets worse. Much, much, much WORSE …..

First, he calls Fister a middle-of-the-rotation pitcher. MIDDLE OF THE ROTATION. MIDDLE OF THE [TROUT] DAMN ROTATION!?!?!?!?!?!? Yes, and Walter White was an average chemistry teacher.

Second, this fuckstick is going to compare the Tigers’ haul to what Dombrowski had to give up for David Price?!?!?!?

The last time I checked, Detroit dealt away an ALREADY ESTABLISHED major-league pitcher (one who has out-pitched Price since the deal in Drew Smyly); a former All-Star centerfielder (Austin Jackson) who as late as 2012 posted a WAR of 5.3; and the franchise’s best young infield prospect.

Dan Miller, how do you go to sleep at night knowing that you give this ignoramus an avenue to further dumb-down Detroit sports fans?

But wait …. there is more ……

Ok. What the fuck is Lionel Jefferson even talking about here?!?!?!? Once again, the Tigers were NEVER serious about re-signing Scherzer and, even if they were, what the hell does paying Fister and Porcello an economical $15 million per year COMBINED have to do with it anyway?

If Scherzer signed an EXTENSION (which he NEVER was going to) the Tigers could have dealt one of those pitchers THIS offseason. Ya know, after they made a run at the World Series again with the best starting staff in baseball and with Smyly as a lethal weapon out of the ‘pen.

And what the fuck is this lunatic talking about when it comes to the Prince Fielder/Ian Kinsler trade. Ummm, the Tigers received BOTH the better player and the more manageable contract in return.

Dan, ya gotta book this guy Sunday evening. He’s a real PRIZE!!!!

And finally …..

Welp, this is a little embarrassing. “Timmy” is actually DSR contributor Tim Diemer and it would have been nice if he could have spelled either Jeff Samardzija’s or Doug’s last name correctly. 

The Tigers received two members of the Nationals 25-man roster in the trade? What the fuck kind of logic is that? I guess Dave Dombrowski should offer the Marlins Don Kelly and Blaine Hardy for Giancarlo Stanton then!!!!!

2-for-1 is a god damn special at Andiamo’s during the summer when people are Up North and business is slow, not a rationale for trading one of the Top 15 starting pitchers in MLB.

And as “Dumber” pointed out, the Oakland A’s dealt the third-best prospect in ALL OF BASEBALL (Addison Russell) for “Smardjia” and Fister is BETTER than the fucking former Notre Dame wide receiver.

Let’s get back to Sharp mocking Fister by constantly labeling him “Cy.” As in the Cy Young award voting, where Fister probably will finish in the Top 5 this fall when the announcement is made. But don’t just trust me, read the following from  ESPN’s Mark Simon today …..

Fister doesn’t have the dominance of Clayton Kershaw or the numbers of Johnny Cueto, but you could make a case for his appearing in the No. 3, 4 or 5 spot on the ballot should he continue pitching the way he has. 

Fister has been everything the Nationals could have hoped for when they obtained him in a steal of a trade from the Detroit Tigers last winter. He enters Wednesday’s start against the Phillies at 12-4 with a 2.38 ERA, the latter of which would rank third in the NL, but for his being a few innings shy of qualifying for the ERA title (which should correct itself after this game).

And by the way, the title of Simon’s article was, “Meet the Ace of the Nationals.” It wasn’t “Meet the Middle-of-the-Rotation Righty of the Nationals.”

MEET THE ACE!!!!!! On a team that also includes Stephen Strasburg, Gio Gonzalez and Jordan Zimmerman!!!!

And the man who continues to spew this sewage on the pages of the Freep not only keeps that cushy columnist job, he is also invited on as an EXPERT by Miller.

On August 27, 2014, Dan Miller’s idea of a Detroit sports soothsayer continued his defense of the absolutely indefensible. A few hours later, the “bluechip prospect” in the Fister deal went out and had this stat line:

Yep, the Tigers traded away a potential Top 5 finisher in the Cy Young balloting for a lefty prospect who can’t even contribute a late-season SPOT START ………. in Toledo for the Mud Hens.

And Ian Krol is so awful that he couldn’t even pitch well enough to replace PHIL COKE.

This toxic trade will probably derail the Tigers 2014 season, yet Miller’s airtime buddy is STILL defending it. Ya gotta believe me.

Have you no shame, Dan? I am being dead serious here. This isn’t simply schtick or me being provocative for its own sake. I really would like a legitimate answer to this inquiry.

Because while I make fun of WXYZ’s Brad Galli for looking like he should be parking cars at the Townsend Inn instead of dining at the upscale hotel’s fine restaurant, he is running CIRCLES around you in terms of booking credible and interesting guests on his Sunday morning Sports Cave program.

Ya know, the same exact people I have been suggesting you book on Sportsworks for years now.

Dave Birkett.

John Niyo.

Tony Paul.

Or how about an outside-the-box guest like on last Sunday’s Sports Cave when either Galli or his boss Tom Leyden decided to go and get well-respected national columnist Dan Wetzel of Yahoo!

Meanwhile, Dan Miller continues to serve us shit on a platter and tell us it’s 8 oz. filet mignon.

You know better, Dan. You are one of the few in town who does. So please drop the sports-media-booking version of re-signing Dan Cleary and give the sports fans in this town a little respect.

Melissa Myst is very, very disappointed in you.

Honestly, we all are.

Now you listen to me jerkoff, if you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem; quit being part of the fucking problem and put the other guy back on.