By Jeff Moss
September 12, 2011
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
For the first time in about 13 years I woke up on Sunday GENUINLEY excited to watch the Detroit Lions play a football game.
Not since Barry Sanders quit back in the summer of 1999 have I truly pushed all of my chips towards the middle of the table and gone all in with this organization.
The sudden retirement of my favorite athlete EVER fucked me up in the head so bad that I have refused to emotionally or financially invest in this franchise since #20 tapped out from the team’s ineptitude.
For the last couple of decades I have remained a fan from afar while not allowing myself to make any sort of commitment to a (dis)organization that has won ONE playoff game during my lifetime.
I have bitterly wished ill will on the team’s owner. I have rooted for the team to embarrass itself in front of the nation by going 0 and 16. And I have hoped for a variety of bad things to happen so coaches and GM would get axed and Bill Ford, Jr. would finally take over at the top.
I wished for all of this so in the future the team might possess a decent infrastructure and ONE DAY have a chance to double their postseason victory total for my 39 years on Earth.
Well, I think that one-day might be NOW. With a nucleus of Matt Stafford, Ndamukong Suh and Calvin Johnson and a plethora of other capable players at most positions on the roster, I finally believe that this team is on the verge of something big.
And this isn’t coming from some deranged MLIVE.com Lions forum member or a dude with a Winnebago with a 1987 “Restore the Roar” bumper sticker on it.
This is the opinion of one of the most cynical and negative members of the team’s fan base. I actually believe this team should make the playoffs and even have a chance at that elusive second playoff win during the William Clay Ford, Sr. reign of terror.
(By the way, do you want to know how long it has been since the Lions had a postseason victory? If a child was born on the date of their last playoff “W”, that kid will be of drinking age by the time this seasons’ playoffs roll around.)
So I figured to commemorate my born-again Lions baptism, I would chronicle the season opener in diary form™ (Boston Sports Guy.)
So here is a blow-by-blow of the 2011 Detroit Lions debut at Tampa Bay with some Tigers vs. Twins updates mixed in as well.
1:00: Alright, I am set up in the Moss Cave with the Lions on the big screen and the baseball game and Steelers/Ravens on the 32 inchers.
1:01: I’ve been avoiding any 9/11-anniversary coverage this week like Lenny Dykstra eluding a process server because it is just too damn depressing, but I am not going to be able to avoid this 100-yard flag that is currently filling up my screen.
And really, what says American patriotism on the 10th anniversary of the worst terrorist attack on our soil than a guy (Ben Roethlisberger) who allegedly raped a college student in a bar bathroom while his bodyguards prevented her friends from helping her standing side-by-side with US servicemen?
1:06: After an opening kickoff that landed somewhere in St. Petersburg because of the NFL’s new rules, the Lions begin the game with a Jahvid Best running play.
Let me get this out of the way before we go any further. With a roster that features Stafford, Best, Johnson, Nate Burleson, Titus Young, Tony Scheffler and Brandon Pettigrew, THE ONLY WAY this offense will be unsuccessful is if OC Scott Linehan stubbornly insists on running the ball on first down.
With all of the options that Linehan has at his disposal, it is freaking imperative that he uses the passing game to set up the run. ALL FIRST DOWN RUNS should be swapped for screen plays.
This offense should be prolific as long as they can avoid repeated 2nd and 9 situations throughout the year. Not to mention, the best way to get Stafford killed is to place him in obvious passing downs.
Now please pass the collection plate.
Amen.
1:10: Wait, this game isn’t a sell out? Are you fucking kidding me? Are there worse sports fans anywhere in the US than in Tampa? Okay, you can put your hands down now Cleveland Indians supporters.
1:12: Between a variety of screens and running plays to Best it is abundantly clear six minutes into the season that his health is only slightly less important than Stafford’s. With Mikel Leshoure done for the season the Lions cannot afford anything to happen to Best.
Fortunately, the guy’s durability has often been compared to Cal Ripken. Oh shit, it hasn’t.
[Fingers crossed.]
1:15 – A beautiful looking opening drive stalls after an incomplete pass to Pettigrew. In comes Jason Hanson for a successful field goal. Now, I don’t want to say that Hanson is old, but he was in KINDERGARTEN when Tampa’s head coach, Raheem Morris, was born.
Lions 3 Bucs 0.
1:17: Fox announcer Chris Myers doesn’t realize that we are back from the break and utters the phrase, “Bourbon on the Rocks.” I have no idea what context the comment was made, but if I had to spend 3 ½ hours in a booth listening to Tim Ryan drone on, I’d probably want a bottle of Jim Beam nearby as well.
1:18: The Lions coaching staff purposely tells Hanson to kick the ball short to pin Tampa inside the 20-yard line.
So instead of easily kicking the ball out of the end zone, the Bucs return the kick to the 20-yard line. THE LIONS 20-YARD LINE!
Come on, Schwartz, don’t get cute with us. Just order Methuselah to kick it deep and let the defense take it from there.
1:19: Delmon Young singles against his old team and the Tigers have a 1-0 lead in the first inning. Someone has to explain how we were lucky enough to get this guy AFTER the waiver deadline. Did the Twins try to run him through at 2:30 in the morning and Dave Dombrowski was the only GM awake?
1:20: The Lions D-Line earn their first sack of the year as Josh Freeman goes down. I am pretty sure that the Bucs QB is the first person in the history of mankind with that name who didn’t have a Bar Mitzvah. Joshua Freeman? Was he adopted?
1:21: The idiotic decision to not kick the ball out of the end zone doesn’t hurt Detroit too bad as the defense stops the Bucs from getting a first down.
Connor Barth’s field goal is good and … [BOOM] …… [BOOM] ….. holy piss, take cover, what the fuck, we are under FIRE!!!!! It’s happening again!!!!! Oh the humanity …..
Oh wait, sorry. That noise is just the sound of the Raymond James Stadium cannons going off because Tampa scored.
I mean, cars near the stadium are being checked for bombs in the trunk, we are on high alert of another attack and yet we have to listen to CANNON FODDER?!? That isn’t disconcerting at all.
Lions 3 Bucs 3 (Terror Alert: Orange)
1:23: Victor Martinez hits into a double play with the bases loaded and nobody out. A run scores and the Tigers are now up 2-0.
I am still checking with Elias Sports Bureau, but I am pretty sure that is the FIRST TIME this season that V-Mart didn’t get a hit with runners in scoring position.
1:27: On third down, Stafford throws a ball high to Will Heller that gets tipped into the hands of Bucs CB Aqib Talib for an interception return for a touchdown.
[Boom]
[Boom]
Well, either that or Ayman al-Zawahiri just ordered an attack on Raymond James Stadium. One of the two.
With all of this team’s options, why the fuck is a third down play going to WILL HELLER anyway?
Bucs 10 Lions 3
1:32: Meanwhile, the Bucs have 10 points and their offense has a grand total of THREE yards. Losers across the county who “own” the Lions defense in their fantasy football leagues are aghast.
1:35: The Bucs Gerald McCoy gets called for a neutral zone infraction. You might remember McCoy as the OTHER stud defensive tackle in the 2010 draft. You know, the one that the NFL Network’s draft “expert” Mike Mayock said the Lions should select over Suh.
I mean, can you imagine if Mayock was the Lions GM and we would have bypassed Suh for this guy?
Ah, your right. It is absolutely idiotic to think a team would hire an ANALYST to run their football operations. What was I thinking?
1:37: After an overthrow by Stafford of Calvin (which doesn’t seem mathematically possible) and a drop by Pettigrew in the end zone (very plausible), Detroit has to settle for another FG.
Bucs 10 Lions 6
1:41: There is a commercial airing for the Star Wars Double Trilogy on Blu-Ray. I don’t want to say that George Lucas has overdone the tweaking of the original films to fit modern sensibilities, but Lando Calrissian losing Cloud City to foreclosure is going a bit too far.
Although, thanks to Larry David’s psychiatrist, we now know that Lucas has to keep churning out these new versions just so he can finance his expensive prostitute habit.
1:42: Josh Johnson checks into the game at QB for Josh Freeman as some sort of change of pace gimmickry that goes absolutely nowhere. I just looked up Tampa’s third string signal caller …. Josh Brolin.
Well, that is the end of first quarter. The Lions defense has given up FOUR yards in the first quarter and the team is DOWN 10-6.
Former Michigan basketball star Jimmy King’s children get more support than the Lions D has so far today.
1:48: I am writing a check. Anyone know what today’s date is? I am stumped.
1:51: Aqib Talib gets inured on a 3rd and 22 bomb to Calvin Johnson that Megatron barely misses. This Aqib Talib is everywhere today. Scored a TD, gets injured defending #81 and I just found out that he is on the FAA’s 9/11/11 “No Fly List.”
1:59: Lions CB Chris Houston intercepts a Freeman pass in the end zone on a play with two penalty flags on the field.
Schwartz is so sure that one of the two infractions is against his team that he screams “MOTHERFUCKER” into his headset.
(Well, he was either pissed that the interception wasn’t going to count or “E” from Entourage was on the other end of that headset.)
Turns out that both infractions were against the Buccaneers, but who can blame the Lions coach for thinking otherwise?
2:05: Lions OL Stephen Peterman takes a [mentally challenged], unnecessary roughness penalty while doing his best Superfly Snuka imitation after the whistle.
Dumbest Peterman decision since he handed over the company to Elaine Benes.
Urban Sombrero, anyone?
2:07: Another Delmon Young base hit at Comerica Park. Meanwhile, Doug Fister hasn’t given up a run yet today. The Tigers are up 2-0 after four innings.
Anyone want to complain about the TIMING of Dave Dombrowski’s extension now?
2:08: There is a Lions commercial break and an ad for Hugh Jackman’s “Reel Steel” is on. I mean, people don’t give a rat’s ass about the Klitschko Brothers, but in the future they are going to want to watch ACTUAL robots box? Pull this leg; it plays “Jingle Bells.”
2:09: On a 4th and 3 from the Tampa 36-yard line, the Lions go for it and Stafford throws a perfect pass to Calvin for a Lions TD.
For some reason, CJ gets about a millimeter into the end zone and tosses the ball to the ref.
I don’t know, call me crazy, but if a stupid rule in last year’s opening game fucked me in my rectum, I would have AT LEAST gone three yards deep into pay dirt before giving up possession of that ball.
2:14: A very nice play by Louis Delmas to break up a pass to Kellen Winslow results in ANOTHER three and out for the Bucs. The Lions defense has been impenetrable and I haven’t even heard Suh’s name mentioned yet by Chris Myers.
Of course, Myers might be inebriated on bourbon on the rocks so who knows if I can rely on him.
(Just checked the box score and Suh’s name is nowhere to be found.)
2:27: Scheffler catches an 11-yard TD from #9 and then proceeds to do a dance that makes him look like a gay swashbuckler from the musical, “Pirates of Penzance.”
(And trust me, ALL of the pirates in that musical looked gay.)
And if you find another “Pirates of Penzance” reference in a Lions column today, I will buy you lunch.
Lions 20 Bucs 10 (1:16 left in the 1st Half)
2:36: With nine seconds remaining in the first half, Schwartz calls a very late time-out to ice Barth. The Tampa kicker then proceeds to miss the attempt that doesn’t actually count.
To make matters worse, on the ensuing try the Lions get an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for calling out DISCONCERTING SIGNALS!!!! So the Bucs got another shot at the end zone that luckily wasn’t successful.
(And I am sorry, but “Icing the Kicker” when the Heat Index is 95 seems a little bit incongruous.)
Barth eventually nails a 31-yard FG to end the half with the Lions up 20-13.
Between the idiotic decision to NOT kick the ball through the end zone in the first quarter and now this icing the kicker call, Schwartz personally gave Tampa six points in the first half.
2:45: Here is an idea of how good Stafford was in the first half. He threw a Pick-6 and his QB rating was STILL 116.3!! 18-for-25 for 265 yards in 30 minutes of play and that doesn’t even mention Pettigrew’s drop in the end zone that stalled one drive.
The dude has the potential to be one of the Top 5 quarterbacks in the NFL this year and I am not even going to bring up the health caveat. Fuck, I just did.
2:50: Through seven innings, Fister has given up three hits, two walks and ZERO runs. His ERA for the year is down to 3.06 and the Tigers are still up 2-0 on the Twins. Meanwhile, the Red Sox are doing their best imitation of the 2009 Detroit team in Tampa as they trail the Rays 3-1.
It is going to be fun to play Tampa in the ALDS with the potential for five home games.
2:54: Nearly half of Tampa’s stadium is currently empty. Either there is an inordinate amount of Bucs fans scared of a terrorist attack today or Tampa has the worst fans in the world. I am guessing the latter. I mean, ya went 10-6 last year and you can’t sell out your OPENING DAY GAME?!?!!?
Poor Steve Yzerman.
2:56: After picking up nine yards on first down to start the second half, the Bucs idiotically run the ball twice into the Lions D-Line and are forced to punt. Suh makes his presence known on both plays.
3:03: I am still trying to figure out how to explain a first down run by Maurice Morris that ended up in the hands of OL Rob Sims after a fumble and near recovery by the Buccaneers, but I am just going to assume you were watching.
Seriously, the exhausted Tampa defense looks like me after a half-court basketball game where I am not allowed to call timeouts. The Lions should win this game EASILY as long as they don’t turn the ball over.
3:10: Another Calvin Johnson touchdown on a contortion that would have made Daniel Browning Smith proud.
Meanwhile Stafford limps off the field and the entire city of Detroit runs to their toilet with diarrhea. Hopefully it is just cramps. For Stafford, that is.
Lions 27 Bucs 13 (And it isn’t even THAT close)
3:11: Victor Martinez has now hit into three double plays today and is 0-for-4. In totally unrelated news, Ryan Raburn is hitting behind him today. I am sure it is purely a coincidence.
3:15: I can neither confirm nor deny that after CalJo’s second touchdown on the day that Lions radio play-by-play announcer Dan Miller had an ejaculation accident in his pants.
I will say that if I were his broadcaster partner, Jim Brandstatter, I would probably look into a full body condom for the rest of the season. And since they probably don’t make one in Brandy’s size, I hear the Mud Hens won’t be using their tarp at Fifth Third Field until April.
(And speaking of sex and the Lions radio booth, can someone explain to me what it must look like when Brandstatter and his wife, Robbie Timmons, are in the act of coitus? I am picturing an English Mastiff mating with a Yorkie.)
3:19: Josh Freeman is on his way to the Bucs locker room with an unspecified injury. Emergency QB Josh Lucas has now been put on notice.
3:21: Awww, now isn’t this cute. State Farm teamed up with Spike Lee to produce a 9/11 commercial and Mars Blackmon decided to have a group of elementary school children sing “Empire State of Mind” to a bunch of first responders.
I am just upset that Spike had the kid’s belt out the Alicia Keys’ chorus instead of some of Jay-Z’s lines:
City of sin, it’s a pity on the wind
Good girls gone bad, the city’s filled with them
Mami took a bus trip, now she got her bust out
Everybody ride her, just like a bus route
Hail Mary to the city, you’re a virgin
I would have loved to see the firefighter’s reaction when the 10-year old girl dropped the line about the mother’s tits hanging out while she got bent over. That would have been precious.
And I love that STATE FARM was the sponsor for this ad because if the Insured’s who suffered property damage on 9/11 in NYC got treated like some of my Hurricane Katrina clients in New Orleans … yeah … I am pretty sure they got “ridden” like a bus route as well.
3:22: On the advice of one of my Twitter followers, I just checked some of Detroit News Lions beat writer Chris McCosky’s Tweets. Here is a real gem:
“Stafford has thrown for over 300 yards in first half”
Ummmm, Stafford threw for 265 yards in the first half, buddy.
Move along, there is nothing to see here.
Man, I miss Killer.
3:26: Hey! There has been a Titus Young sighting in Tampa. I am glad to see it since the Lions 2011 Draft was starting to look like a trailer for “Final Destination 6.”
3:28: Jose Valverde just earned his 43rd save of the season to break Todd Jones’ Detroit Tigers record in a single season.
And in homage to Jones, Valverde started the inning by allowing the first two runners to get on base and then he gave up a run.
In an odd scene, Jim Leyland had two relievers working in the bullpen while Valverde struggled to protect the 2-0 lead. Not a lot of faith for a guy who was 42-for-42 in converting save opportunities at the time.
Anyway, the Tigers now possess their first 9-game winning streak since 1984.
1984.
Get it?
3:32: The Tigers are now 3 ½ games away from having the best record in the American League and with the AL East teams imploding like the ….. Nah, even I am not THAT inappropriate.
The Lions look great today, the Tigers are weeks away from the playoffs, the Wings look locked and loaded for another Stanley Cup run and the Pistons probably aren’t going to play this year. Pretty damn good time to be a Detroit sports fan if you ask me.
3:34: The Lions next opponent, the Kansas City Chiefs, are currently losing 41-7 to the BUFFALO BILLS at HOME.
The spread on that game in Vegas might be the largest in the Lions favor since the mid-90s. No joke.
3:38: I am six Coke Zeros in on the day and this is my first piss of the game. Damn nice performance by my bladder. Only the Lions defensive line has been more impressive this afternoon.
3:43: The Bucs are dinking and dunking down the field with Freeman back in the game. Due to the heat and humidity the Lions are making NHL-esque line changes in between plays. This resembles a Chinese fire drill.
Wait … is Chinese fire drill politically incorrect? Hold on, let me call Rod Allen. I think he is at his court-mandated sensitivity training course by now and his counselor should be of some assistance here.
3:50: On 4th and 1, the Bucs amazingly decide to run the ball into the teeth of the Lions defense. Again. Not only did Ernest Graham not get the first down, he fumbled the ball away to Detroit.
All 43 Bucs fans remaining are lining up the cannon and pointing it at Raheem Morris’s skull.
3:54: More cramps for Stafford. Well, if the choice is a separated shoulder or the symptoms of a broad on her period, I will gladly take this.
I am not sure why the Lions medical staff isn’t loading Stafford up with cranberry juice to cure the cramps though. I hear it is a natural diuretic.
I apologize in advance that this diary has denigrated into urine updates (dark yellow and a steady stream) and PMS remedies that I learned while watching “The Departed” fifty times, but the game has gotten a little boring.
4:11: After a Mike Williams touchdown pass from Fringe’s Joshua Jackson to cut the Lions lead to 27-20, the Buccaneers attempt an onside kick that harmlessly falls into the hands of Calvin Johnson. And that should just about do it.
4:16: In Exhibit 4,342,954 of the Lions not being able to handle prosperity, OL Gosder Cherilus just performed CPR on the Bucs chances in this game.
This fucking slob just took an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty with 1:07 left to “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa … Stop the Clock” so instead of Tampa getting the ball with about 30 seconds left, they now have the ball at their own 20-yard line with 77 seconds remaining!
If I was Schwartz and the Lions end up losing this game, I would teach this idiot a lesson by making him do shuttle runs in this heat after the game until he slips into a coma.
4:23: Calvin Johnson is now in the game on DEFENSE protecting against a Hail Mary pass near the end zone.
So let’s see, Megatron has two receiving TDs, caught the ball on the “Hand’s Team” of the Special Teams unit and is now playing the role of an extra cornerback on defense.
I am pretty sure if CalJo changes William Clay Ford, Sr.’s colonoscopy bag on the charter on the way home he will have performed every team function imaginable today.
4:24: The Bucs decide against testing Calvin’s coverage skills and instead throw an intermediary pass that is followed by a succession of laterals which goes absolutely nowhere.
Final Score: Lions 27 Buccaneers 20
4:30: Well, it should have been A LOT easier than that, but a win is a win. And considering this might be the Lions first meaningful road victory since Gary Moeller was the head coach, I am not going to complain much.
There are a ton of areas for the Lions to improve on in the coming weeks, but nothing occurred today that changed my mind about this team’s eventual prognosis.
Anything less than a playoff berth will be a huge disappointment™ (Detroit Lions.)