By Jeff Moss
October 1, 2011
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com

When I was growing up as a youth on the rough and tumble streets of West Bloomfield Township, I passed the days as a young African-American wannabe (JewFro included) by listening to the music of a fine gentleman who went by the name of Ice Cube.

Some of our younger DSR readers might only know of Ice Cube as a shill for Coors Light or Nick Persons from the “Are We There Yet?” movies.

But before O’Shea Jackon™ (Slave Name) sold out to Corporate America, he was a pioneering member of the rap group Niggaz with Attitude and dropped great solo CDs like “AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted” which featured lyrics like the following:

On a permanent vacation, off the Massa plantation.
Heard you both got the same bank account,
dumb nigga, what you thinkin’ bout?
Get rid of that Devil real simple, put a bullet in his temple.
Cuz you can’t be the Nigga 4 Life crew
with a white Jew tellin’ you what to do.

Yep, before starring in those silly “Friday” movies, Cube made soundtracks that Self-Hating Jewish kids couldn’t devour fast enough.

And one of my favorite songs by Doughboy during that era was a 1990 hit entitled “Jackin for Beats” from the EP “Kill at Will.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vsLcNJdF9k

The premise of this track was that Ice Cube would “steal” the beats from other rap songs and use them for his own purpose. But instead of using hokey pop hits like other rappers of the day, N.W.A.’s lead-off hitter sampled rap beats by EPMD, Public Enemy and X-Clan among others.

So after hearing “Jackin for Beats” the other day on my iPod I had the brilliant idea of doing something similar for this Mossisms™ column.

But instead of utilizing Plunderphonics and lifting the work of LL Cool J or D-Nice, I will be jackin’ Bill Simmons, Peter King and Jason Whitlock today.

“Give me that beat fool, it’s a full time jack move, Chilly Chill, Yo Homie Mack the track move …..”

TEN THINGS I THINK I THINK ABOUT THE TIGERS/YANKEES SERIES

1) Call me naïve. Call me a cockeyed optimist™ (Billy Mumphrey), but I don’t think Friday’s delay will hurt the Tigers that much in the overall scheme of things.

You can’t convince me that ANY scenario which involves A.J. Burnett STARTING a game against the Tigers will end up as a bad thing.

If you aren’t familiar with Burnett’s work of late then just imagine a really, really bad version of Brad Penny without the bear gut and a fiancé currently dancing with a guy with half his face blown off.

I mean, even John Lackey thinks Burnett has been awful of late as demonstrated by Burnett’s post-All Star Break ERA of 6.85. And as far I can tell, Burnett doesn’t even have the burden of dumping a cancer stricken spouse to use as an excuse.

I’ll take my chances with the following match-ups:

— Doug Fister vs. Ivan Nova … TWICE

— A rematch of Justin Verlander/CC Slobathia

–Rick Porcello vs. Washed-Up Righty with an Opposing Batter’s OPS of .802 on the Season

2) While I do like the scheduled pitching showdowns, I am less thrilled with Jim Leyland’s post-monsoon comments last night.

Cancer Stick stated that he wouldn’t make any immediate moves to his lineup even though Friday’s lineup card was filled out exclusively for the purpose of facing a lefty.

And while I don’t have a huge issue with leaving Magglio Ordonez (current 18-game hitting streak) or Ryan Raburn (a Jose Batista-esque September OPS of 1.155) in the lineup to see how things play out, it would be absolutely criminal not to pinch-hit Wilson Betemit for Brandon Inge in the top of the third inning.

I mean, it was borderline that Shani’s Husband should have even started against Sabathia since he had a career batting average of .190 against the high risk, Type-2 diabetes candidate.

Considering how monumentally huge the game on Saturday has become (with JV likely only pitching once in the series) it is no time to fuck around with a guy who has the following splits against RHP this season:

.170/.220/.228

An OPS of .448!?!!?!!?! That would be a disappointing number for a National League PITCHER.

3) Did anyone catch the absolute jubilation from the fuckstick fan who caught Delmon Young’s first inning homer in right field?

This dickbag is decked out in YANKEES gear and he catches a homer run ball by the opposing team in a PLAYOFF game and the idiot acts like he just caught Derek Jeter’s 3,000 hit.

Your team just went down 1-0 against the soon-to-be unanimous Cy Young Award winner and ya act like the $15 souvenir is a winning Mega Millions lottery ticket?

If there is any justice, this horrible “fan” got his ass kicked outside of Yankees Stadium and we are only eight years away from an ESPN “30-for-30” special about his lynching.

4) I am not sure if anyone else had unsettling flashbacks to the 2006 World Series, but it sure as hell didn’t look like the Tigers were ready to play a postseason game last night.

In the top of the first inning, Austin Jackson struck out swinging while the ball trickled away from Russell Martin. Instead of making a dash to first base which would have at least forced a throw from the Yankees catcher, Jackson just headed back to the Tigers dugout like a despondent Little Leaguer.

In the bottom of the inning, Jeter didn’t make the same mistake as Detroit’s centerfielder as he reached first on a strike out/wild-pitch which was in part helped out by Alex Avila’s lame throw to Cabrera.

Then Miggy fucked up a sure force out at second base of Curtis Granderson only to be topped by Inge’s failure to throw Jeter out at home on a weak bouncer from Alex Rodriguez (who already seems to be in his usual playoff form.)

I am not sure if this was just a case of nerves, but I sure as hell hope the butterflies are all gone by 8:37 pm tonight.

5) And speaking of 2006, I don’t want to hear any crap about the 2011 season being a success no matter what happens in October because the Tigers won a division where the second place team finished with a below .500 record of 80-82.

Yeah, maybe if the Tigers WON the 2006 title instead of choking it away to the WORST championship team in the HISTORY OF PROFESSIONAL SPORTS or didn’t Heimlich the 2009 AL Central in the last few weeks of the season we could just enjoy THIS postseason run.

But they didn’t do either and it has now been 27 years since we won the World Series. 27 fucking years.

The last time the Tigers won a championship, the Florida Marlins were still NINE YEARS AWAY from playing their FIRST GAME as a franchise and they have won the whole megillah TWICE in that time.

I am like a chick™ (Melissa Charlton-Moss) who has been dating the same loser™ (Jeff Mossisms) for the last ten years and who keeps promising they will get married soon. I won’t be happy with anything less than a god-damn ring.

You can take your “Happy to be Here” nonsense and suck my dick.

6) The best Tigers related news didn’t even come from the ALDS on Friday, but instead in an in-depth interview that Mike Ilitch did with Bob Wojnowski for the Detroit News.

Here was the best part that didn’t include Ilitch admitting that former GM Randy Smith was a borderline retard:

Wojo: Your payroll is in better shape with some big contracts going away. You feel good about the direction of the Tigers?

Ilitch: Yeah, but I’m challenged to keep it there like the Yankees and the Red Sox. I haven’t totally zeroed in on our payroll yet. What I’m still trying to figure out is what we need for next year. I want to be in a position to make one or two additions, and generally, they’re pretty big additions.

Wojo: So you could add a couple of big-time players?

Ilitch: Yes. I’m already thinking about that. Can you imagine another big bat in our lineup?

Yes, Mr. I, I sure can imagine another big bat in the lineup and that bulge in my pocket isn’t my keys.

I think we are one false cancer diagnosis of Ilitch™ (Larry David’s movie “Sour Grapes”) away from Jose Reyes leading off and playing second base in 2012.

7) Coffeenerdness. I don’t drink coffee. I fucking hate the taste of coffee. Even coffee ice cream is abhorrent to me. The people who congregate in Starbucks should be arrested for loitering and/or destroyed by drones.

Also, I don’t have a daughter who plays volleyball or softball.

8) I think these are my non-Tigers thoughts of the week:

a) Is it too much to ask that when I pay $70 for a Pay-Per-View fight that my picture doesn’t go in and out all EVENING LONG?!!?!?

The fucking Mayweather/Ortiz fight kept buffering like a 56k connection throughout the undercard and continued into the main event.

But since I never complain about service to anyone, I just took it up the ass from Direct TV like a good, little bitch.

My HDTV picture of the biggest fight of the year should not look like a damn Leroy Neiman painting.

b) Since nobody in the Detroit Media was going to say anything, it was awesome to see Sports Illustrated media writer, Richard Deitsch, Tweet about Ryan “Fanboy” Field’s Facebook profile picture in which the Fox Sports Detroit cheerleader posed in a Tigers AL Central championship T-shirt and hat with Miguel Cabrera:

“Straight talk: If this were a female reporter posing for photos in t-shirt for team she covered, she’d be crucified: bit.ly/nGpwVc.”

(Are we sure Ryan ISN’T a female reporter? At some point doesn’t over-the-top metrosexual behavior cross over to the other sex?)

Anyway, some Detroit media members thought it was me who tipped off Deitsch, but I can’t take credit even though I wish I could.

Nope, it was former WDFN morning man and current Toronto sports talk radio host, Greg Brady, who helped put Field’s embarrassing behavior on the national map.

c) I really enjoyed the season premiere of “Boardwalk Empire” and I can’t wait to see how the developing rivalry between Nucky and “The Commodore” plays out. I love me some Dabney Coleman.

Oh, you don’t care about my thoughts on “Boardwalk Empire”? Don’t forget, I am sampling Peter King here.

d) It was nice to see the widow of Shannon Stone (the firefighter who fell to his death at a Rangers game earlier this season) embrace Josh Hamilton on Friday afternoon after her son, Cooper, threw out the ceremonial first pitch prior to the Texas/Tampa game.

http://www.sportsgrid.com/mlb/cooper-stone-first-pitch/

But am I the only one who immediately thought this had the potential for a Ben Affleck/Gwyneth Paltrow “Bounce”-like ending? Especially after the SECOND hug?

9) When ALDS Game 2 starts at 3:07 pm on Sunday, the Lions/Cowboys game will probably be in the third quarter. Not since the Red Wings/Penguins were playing in the NHL Finals at the same time as the Pistons/Celtics were battling it out in the NBA Eastern Conference Finals has there been a bigger day in Detroit sports.

Attendance at the Moss Cave will be by invitation only.

10) I am not sure there has ever been a bigger Game 1 in a Detroit playoff series during my lifetime than the one that is going to be finished later on tonight.

And I have ZERO confidence Leyland will treat it that way.

THE JASON WHITLOCK GUIDE TO COMPARING EVERYTHING IN LIFE TO “THE WIRE”

One of the overriding themes of the greatest show in the history of television, “The Wire”, was that America’s War on Drugs happened to be a monumental failure and law enforcement’s insistence on refusing to decriminalize the distribution and use was a failed strategy.

Which is basically how I feel about the Lions continued attempts to run the football.

Someone has to tell Detroit’s offensive coordinator, Scott Linehan, that his stubborn persistence in force feeding the ground game is the equivalent of Deputy Commissioner Rawls playing the numbers game.

Now, I don’t want to go all “Bunny” Colvin on you here, but there has to be an alternative to what occurred last Sunday when the Lions ran the ball 19 times for a grand total of 20 yards.

Look, it is abundantly clear that the Lions cannot gain yardage on the ground. Not only do they not have an every down back who can consistently average four yards per carry, they have an offensive line that is totally incapable of opening up holes.

You would think a team with as many offensive weapons as the Lions possess would be able to mount some sort of running game. I mean, I haven’t seen this many assets since the last time I went to the Spearmint Rhino in Vegas.

Just by default you would presume that a defense that has to worry about Matt Stafford, the fifth best wide receiver in the NFL according to Chris Carter (Calvin Johnson), Nate Burleson, Titus Young, Brandon Pettigrew and Tony Scheffler ALSO couldn’t possibly completely shut down the Lions run attack.

I mean, how fucking bad are the Lions run blockers that they can’t open any lanes whatsoever when defenses are thinking pass first anyway?

Linehan has to get creative because a 1.1 per rush average isn’t going to cut it when Detroit is facing Green Bay or the Saints.

And seriously, these idiotic running plays that lead to 2nd and 9 situations are going to get Stafford killed sooner or later as some defensive end sitting on dead red is going to blow by Jeff Backus and rip #9’s head off.

With the precarious nature of the offensive line, the last thing Stafford needs is an opposing defensive line that can just pin back their ears on second or third down and long situations.

This isn’t exactly as earth shattering as Hamsterdam, but any first down running plays have to be substituted for screens to Best or Pettigrew, quick hits to Burleson or maybe even a reverse to Young.

But this insistence on “running” the ball into the defensive line for little to no gain has to stop. Immediately.

The only one who can stop the Lions offense is Linehan himself if he continues to ignore the mounting evidence that this team cannot run the ball.

Don’t be a Palinite or Sharptonite, Linehan or I am going to have to go on a campaign to have you replaced by my boy, Brady Hoke.

The Detroit Sports Guy’s Mailbag

Q: Have you ever said anything relevant? I only paid attention to you because of your article about Killer (Tom Kowalski) … You’re half the man he was. – Michael Kulpa (Dearborn Heights, Michigan)

JM: I am pretty sure that I have said some relevant things in my 39-years on Earth, but none come to mind right now. And considering Killer was 6-foot-7 and 300 pounds, it would be more accurate to say that I am 65.3 percent the man that Tom was.

Q: Shut you, up whiney bastard. – William Bensch (Waterford, Michigan)

JM: Now, that isn’t even a question.

Q: Give me a scenario where Tigers can play the Yankees in the ALDS …. Not sure it can even happen. — William Bensch on September 22nd (Waterford, Michigan)

JM: I am sorry I asked you for a question.

Q: Are you coming to bed tonight? I leave for Los Angeles in less than 48 hours and it is almost 3:00 am and you are still working on that damn computer!!! Are you talking to girls or something? — Melissa Moss (West Bloomfield, Michigan)

JM: Yup, these are my readers.