By Jeff Moss
October 21, 2011
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
I really hadn’t given much thought to the upcoming vacancy in the Commissioner of Baseball position until the other night when I was guilted into watching television with my wife.
After several weeks of forcing her to watch Tigers baseball games that she didn’t care about while I behaved like a certifiable mental patient when Detroit lost, I figured the least I could do was throw her a bone and indulge in one of her garbage programs.
And because I refuse to watch any reality program not hosted by Chris Harrison, I wasn’t going to subject myself to the Real Housewives or that one with the E! chick who just developed breast cancer.
“Grey’s Anatomy” and “Private Practice” were non-starters due to the fact that in sixth grade I forced my mom to write a letter to my Biology teacher asking to excuse me from the assignment of dissecting a frog because I cannot stand the sight of blood.
So I wasn’t about to sit there and witness the delivery boy from “Senor Pizza” performing some sort of experimental back surgery on a helpless patient who suffered an injury at a Seattle Seahawks game.
(And if you didn’t get that reference, you didn’t watch enough bad 80’s movies.)
That basically dwindled the list of potential DVR viewings to some show on CBS called “The Good Wife.” Based on Melissa’s synopsis of the program it didn’t seem like there was any chance of me having to sit through an open-heart procedure or listen to Kelsey Grammar’s ex-wife whine about how her lot in life.
And based on the name of the drama, I had my fingers crossed that it was about a spouse who let her husband do whatever he wanted to do when he wanted, didn’t limit his gambling wagers to a budget and performed oral sex on command.
Unfortunately, I found out the “Good Wife” must have been named by a broad because she really didn’t seem that good to me.
Anyway, on last week’s show from what I could gather, a law firm was trying to get some attorney to leave his current practice to come to their firm. The enticement was that this new practice represented Major League Baseball and if this dude made the switch, he might be in line to replace Bud Selig as the next Commish.
You know, because the next Commissioner will probably be some no-name attorney in Chicago who enjoys baseball , but has absolutely no experience whatsoever inside the game. I was so aggravated by this ridiculous storyline that I had to put on my headphones and tune out this moronic show.
Anyway, I really didn’t give the “Good Wife” much thought until today when I read Lynn Henning’s latest fellating of Tigers General Manager Dave Dombrowski in the Detroit News.
Henning’s article suggested that the current President of the Tigers could be one of the candidates to replace the Milwaukee car salesman when the guy who turned a blind eye to the Steroid Era finally retires in 13 months.
Now, I am not sure if there is any validity to Henning’s suggestion that there is a “growing expectation” that DD will be considered for the gig after next year’s World Series.
But I am taking the column with a grain of salt since Henning is the same guy who last week wrote the following about Dombrowski:
“As usual, he looked good in high-definition. Salt-and-pepper hair perfectly coiffed. Rust-colored sport coat. Dark orange, collarless shirt. If the folks at GQ ever need a 50-something cover guy, Dombrowski would probably survive the first roster cut, at least.”
I am not even sure where to begin with that paragraph. I mean, I don’t want to say that Lynn’s description is dripping with homoeroticism, but Perez Hilton’s Grinder account thinks Henning is a fruit for writing it.
Not to mention the thought of Dombrowski on the cover of GQ is hilarious. Now that Steve Jobs is iDead, I am pretty sure that DD is the last person in America rocking the turtleneck.
And did I mention our GM looks like a fucking giraffe in a blazer? If Dombrowski belongs on the front of GQ then New Jersey Governor Chris Christie should be the next cover boy for Men’s Health Magazine.
My skepticism for Dombrowski’s potential candidacy only increased when I Google’d “Dave Dombrowski Major League Baseball Commissioner” and received one result ….. Deacon Henning’s column.
So I am pretty sure that this entire Dombrowski story is a complete figment of Henning’s imagination, but for a minute let’s say that it did occur. Would it be that awful for the Tigers?
If you read or listen to the Detroit sports media then you would think that DD’s departure would lead to the apocalypse.
The same writers and commentators who openly questioned Mike Ilitch’s decision to extend Dombrowski’s deal over the summer suddenly thought the man should be knighted after the Doug Fister and Delmon Young trades
And while Dombrowski did a pretty good job this season and I actually supported the extension when it occurred, I wouldn’t be broken hearted if Dombrowski replaced Selig.
Because it really didn’t fit anyone’s narrative, there was nary a mention that a major reason for the Tigers loss to the Rangers in the ALDS was Dombrowski’s continued failure to build a quality bullpen.
And while the offense was the major scapegoat during the postseason, at least the Lloyd McClendon coached hitters had an excuse. The team was decimated with injuries to position players.
Do you think the Tigers might have been a tad more potent with a healthy Brennan Boesch batting second? Even without Boesch the team might have advanced if Victor Martinez and Alex Avila weren’t shells of themselves.
But there was no excuse at all for the relief chore. By the end of the season the following was the list of bullpen pitchers that Leyland trusted:
Jose Valverde
Joaquin Benoit
Phil Coke
Cancer Stick had absolutely ZERO faith in guys like Daniel Schlereth, Al Alburquerque and Ryan Perry by the final game of the ALCS.
You can’t win a seven game series with a bullpen of three guys and that fact was painfully obvious as Texas won two extra innings games on the strength of their superior relief depth.
And it isn’t like Dombrowski had ignored the pen when building this squad. In fact, it had been the exact opposite as the executive wasted more assets trying to bolster his relief staff than Robert Ficano on Wayne County’s IT department.
They traded one of their only decent infield prospects (Scott Sizemore) for David Purcey during the season only to designate the lefty for assignment. And Purcey was such an abortion that NOBODY else claimed the guy.
Then DD acquired David Pauley as part of the Fister deal. And based on Pauley’s stats in Seattle there was as much excitement about this latest DP solidifying the pen as there was in Fister bolstering the rotation.
But “Cerebal” Pauley pitched like he had the affliction and went weeks without being utilized by his manager. This unmitigated disaster ended with Pauley being left off the postseason roster.
(For the record, the nickname “Cerebal” Pauley isn’t mine. I would give credit to the person who coined the phrase, but he won’t let me.)
Dombrowski wasted a first round pick on Ryan Perry and this meathead repaid the faith shown in him by serving up a grand slam to Nelson Cruz in Game 2 of the ALCS.
Schlereth and Coke were acquired in a deal that cost the team the probable 2011 American League MVP.
Chance Ruffin was the team’s first pick in 2011 and later was sent to Seattle.
With all of the money, picks and trades in the last three years you would think the bullpen would have been comparable to the Cincinnati Reds “Nasty Boys” of the early 90s instead of the resemblance of a Gus Macker roster.
Of course, you wouldn’t read anything like this in one of “Hype Man” Henning’s orgasmic articles about his own personal Justin Bieber.
And to be clear, I am not calling for Dombrowski’s head or anything of the sort. Like I wrote earlier, I had no issue with the new contract because I still remember the painful Randy Smith years all too well.
But on the other hand I will not lose any sleep worrying about a potential Dombrowski departure.
It shouldn’t be that difficult to find the next whiz kid GM anyway.
Theo Epstein has won two World Series and is about to cash in on a lucrative contract with the Chicago Cubs.
Jon Daniels dealt with the departure of Cliff Lee and made enough quality moves to get the Rangers back to the World Series a year after losing it to the San Francisco Giants.
And Andrew Friedman took a team with the second lowest payroll in ALL OF BASEBALL ($41 million) to the postseason for the third time in four years while playing in the AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST.
Epstein, Daniels and Friedman? You don’t need a copy of the Old Testament to figure out that hiring a young, Jewish number cruncher is the road map to replacing Dombrowski if he is offered the Commissioner’s position.
And maybe, just maybe if we get a fellow mishpuchah to oversee the Tigers organization, he might hire a manager who actually values on-base percentage at the top of his lineup.
Of course, Henning would have to develop a new crush if DD flees to New York City.
Hope he likes circumcised cock.