By Jeff Moss
December 28, 2011
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
What do Agent Zero, the Ayatollah, 19-year old trim, Jim Crow, Feats of Strength, Living in America, SEMTA, Southfork, Jill Munroe, Roger Waters and Temple Grandin have in common?
They are all part of Wednesday Morning Mossisms™.
Lions Housekeeping
You would think that even I couldn’t complain about anything related to the Lions playoff clinching, 38-10 thrashing of the San Diego Chargers on Christmas Eve.
Matthew Stafford played like the ELITE quarterback that I said he was in the days leading up to the game.
Brandon Pettigrew FINALLY displayed why Martin Mayhew passed on Clay Matthews and Michael Oher among others when making the tight end a first round draft choice in 2009.
Justin Durant was running around the field making tackles from the linebacker position like we haven’t seen around these parts since the heyday of the Stephen Boyd Nickel Package.
And the team even said all the right things after the game about this just being one step towards the ultimate goal and it sure didn’t appear like any of the players were satisfied with JUST making the postseason.
Hell, Jim Schwartz looked like a man who just had been told he was going to get audited by the IRS as opposed to a head coach who had just led his moribund franchise to its first playoff berth this century.
The dude was dropping “Eff Bombs” on national TV and had a nasty scowl on his grill right after the game ended. Schwartz didn’t look like a guy who was going to let his team go all Gilbert Arenas and print out “We Got a Wildcard Berth!!!” t-shirts anytime soon.
The whole Zombie Birthday weekend really went perfect for Detroit’s professional football team. Not only did they thrash San Diego, but the Saints annihilated the Falcons to give the Lions the upper hand in the race for the #5 seed and the Packers crushed the Bears to ice the #1 seed throughout the NFC Playoffs.
So what in the world could I possibly bitch about with all of the Festivus Miracles we received as Lions fans over the last few days?
Well, how about the team’s decision to give that anesthetized owner the game ball after the franchise’s most important conquest in 12 years?
Yep, why give the game ball to the best quarterback the team’s had since Jim Crow laws were still enforced? Or their freakishly talented wide receiver who is well on his way to a Hall of Fame career?
Or even the man (Mayhew) who largely put this team together in a relatively short period of time since the organization went 0 and 16?
No, instead the ceremonial ball was handed to the buffoon who made it possible for his franchise to do the unthinkable … miss the playoffs for 12 long, excruciating seasons in a league built around PARITY.
Handing that ball to William Clay Ford, Sr. would have been the equivalent of the Jews who survived the Holocaust giving Hitler a huge pot of Matzo Ball soup at the end of World War II.
“Hey, fuck these Allies who liberated us from the concentration camps, let’s go honor the goof with the funny mustache who put us here in the first place!!!!”
Hell, I don’t get why the American hostages held in Iran during the early 80s were thankful to Ronald Reagan when they could have awarded The Ayatollah Khomeini with a ManGroomer for getting them all that face time on “Nightline” for 444 straight days.
This moron has basically acted like a double agent for the Packers, Bears and Vikings for the better part of the last 50 years and when his team finally wins something of consequence despite his best bumbling efforts, HE GETS THE GAME BALL!?!!??!!
I am not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this, but since November of 1963 when he took over full possession of the franchise, the man has witnessed ONE PLAYOFF VICTORY. Which conveniently leads me to this segue.
If, in one afternoon of work, Schwartz wants to double the amount of playoff victories under Ford’s stewardship, he better coach Sunday’s game like it is one.
The Packers have absolutely nothing to play for now that the dream of a perfect season is gone and they have already wrapped up home-field advantage. Vegas surely believes that Mike McCarthy is going to treat this like a preseason game as the Lions are currently one-point favorites.
That might not sound like much, but considering the team hasn’t won at Lambeau in 20 freaking years, I’d say that line is a pretty solid indication that Green Bay just wants to get through this game in one piece.
And if McCarthy wishes to treat this like an exhibition than Schwartz needs to as well. If that “exhibition” is something along the lines of Ivan Drago vs. Apollo Creed and the Lions are playing the part of Dolph Lundgren.
It is absolutely critical to win this game on Sunday considering the difference between playing at New Orleans against the Steve Nash of the NFL (Drew Brees) or traveling to take on the Giants or Cowboys is about as drastic as fucking Kate Upton or Kathy Bates.
(I am not sure that is a great analogy, but I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of Upton.)
And yes, I am aware that if the Lions are going to advance to the Super Bowl at some point they probably will have to travel to the Superdome to take on the Saints.
But it would be nice to actually win a playoff game and advance to the second round and I am not sure the Lions wouldn’t be favored against either one of those putrid NFC East teams. Especially considering that IF Detroit takes advantage of an ambivalent Packers squad, they will have gone 6-2 away from Ford Field this season.
(Or to put it a different way, TWO LESS road wins than during the ENTIRE Matt Millen Era. You might remember Matt Millen. He was the guy that Ford, Sr. gave a five-year extension to AFTER going 21-59 in his first five seasons.)
And I am actually pretty confident that Schwartz is thinking the same damn thing. I doubt he will come out on Sunday and pull a Jim Leyland with some sort of NFL equivalent of the Max Scherzer/Doug Fister split squad game.
Because, ya know, Schwartz went to Georgetown and, ummmm, Cancer Stick didn’t.
(But hey, who thinks home field against the Texas Rangers would have been advantageous to the Tigers anyway?)
So, let’s go to Wisconsin and beat the Pack for the first time in Green Bay since 1991 and lock up that #5 seed for the playoffs.
And if you do, Coach Schwartz, how about giving THAT game ball to someone who didn’t employ Russ Thomas for 22 years and Millen for eight?
The Only Person More Loyal Than WCF, Sr.
It would appear that undying and undeserving loyalty is contagious in the Lions organization as how else can one explain the team’s radio play-by-play announcer’s continued insistence on giving Sean Baligian and Jamie Samuelsen a regular platform on the Fox-2 Lions pregame show.
I know that Dan Miller is personal friends with these guys, but when is enough going to be enough?
Baligian isn’t even EMPLOYED in the Detroit radio market any longer as he is now god blessing and not denying radio listeners in Grand Rapids.
And does anyone even know what Samuelsen’s job entails at WCSX? Does he crowbar Red Wings and Pistons scores in between Eric Clapton and Roger Daltrey songs?
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves
Last night, the Wings defeated the Predators on two goals by Pavel Datsyuk.
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I’ve got that feeling once again
The Pistons will host the Cleveland Cavaliers tonight in a battle of Central Division bottom dwellers.
I can’t explain you would not understand
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
How about some new blood on that show, Dan? You know, maybe put some people on that are actually more relevant in the Detroit market than JB and Sean?
Maybe Bob Talbert or George Puscas are available.
Lions Fan Gets Killed by Jerome Bettis Or Something Like That
One fan who won’t be watching the Lions first playoff game since 1999 is Christopher Wolak.
After the Lions victory on Saturday evening, Wolak in all of his excitement decided not to look both ways before running into traffic and got killed by an oncoming bus.
At first I felt really bad for the poor kid. I mean, what an awful story. As a 21-year old fan of the Detroit Lions, he had never even witnessed a Lions playoff victory.
But then I was directed to his Facebook page from a Detroit News article and found out he was the member of the following group:
DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN
Unfortunately, for Wolak, he didn’t know that I was a member of this particular Facebook group:
DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE LIONS FAN IS CHRISTOPHER WOLAK. AMEN
Anyway, one less Republican voter in a potential swing state lessened my despair tremendously.
Homeland SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!
Unlike that douche bag, Samuelsen, I want to give you fear warning that I am about to provide spoilers for Homeland, The Wire and Boardwalk Empire.
(Not to mention, it was Kristin Shepard who shot J.R. Ewing.)
Over the holiday weekend I decided to take advantage of Showtime on Demand by watching the complete first season of Homeland.
I was dubious about viewing this series when it debuted a few months ago because it was from the people responsible for 24 which I absolutely despised.
(I know it might seem that I am purposely writing this Mossisms™ column just to infuriate Dapper Dan, but I am really not.)
But after hearing positive reviews of this drama for weeks, I finally relented and devoured the entire 12 episodes in the span of about 28 hours.
And for the first 11 episodes, I was glad that I did. It was pretty much everything that 24 wasn’t. It was thoughtful. It was nuanced. It was smart. It wasn’t gimmicky and above all else it wasn’t a paid commercial for the Republican Party.
Not to mention the acting of Claire Danes, Damian Lewis and Mandy Patinkin was ridiculous on a Justin Verlander against the Seattle Mariners level.
And then came the season finale which almost ruined everything for me that came before it. It took until the 12th episode for genetics to take over and for 24 to start seeping out, but the cliffhanger episode had everything except an awful Kiefer Sutherland guest appearance.
Unless you actually believe that a man brainwashed for eight years by an Al-Qaeda leader could suddenly change his mind about killing the Vice-President and most of the heads of the Defense Department because of a short phone call with his daughter.
(Speaking of which, how many days away are we from David Estes shilling for Allstate?)
And did I mention that said would-be terrorist was handed a cell phone by a freaking Secret Service agent that probably would have detonated his suicide bomb vest anyway just a split-second before he hit the switch?
Between what occurred in that Department of Defense bunker and the shock treatment nonsense that was going on over in Danes’ hospital room, I left the first season of Homeland with an awful taste in my mouth.
But that last episode did give me an even greater appreciation for the best show in the history of the medium, The Wire. In five seasons of that program, I never felt like I was duped. There were never any plot contrivances or shortcuts taken.
I highly doubt that David Simon wanted to kill one of the greatest characters in the history of television (Stringer Bell) a little more than halfway into the show’s run, but it had to be done.
(Just like Jimmy Darmody had to die in the season finale of Boardwalk Empire for that show to remain intellectually honest.)
I am sure it would have been much easier for Simon if Stringer could have talked his way out of his death by offering Omar and Brother Mouzone a ridiculous amount of cash so they all could have left that loft for some Honey Nut Cheerios and quality reading of Harper’s and lived happily ever after.
But Simon was making great art and he knew that he had to kill Stringer even if it meant sacrificing an incredible character.
And I am not even saying that Brody HAD to die this season on Homeland, but once the producers went down the road that they did, anything but blowing up the ginger Marine traitor was a total cheat.
Compounding that with the gimmick of Danes losing her short term memory and any recollection that Isa is actually Abu Nazir’s dead son and not one of Brody’s guards just doubled down on awful.
Now you will have to excuse me while I go cleanse my palate by watching Marlo Stanfield’s “My Name is My Name” speech for the next hour or so on a continual loop.