By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
February 9, 2014
And then there were 16. After two rounds of play in the DSR Worst Detroit Sports Media Tournament we are getting that much closer to crowning a champion.
And the waters are getting much deeper as the upcoming third round battles are fucking epic. Some of these match-ups could serve as a FINAL without any complaint from readers of this site and yet they will only serve to earn a berth in the “Contemptible 8.”
The tourney has played very chalky to date with minimal upsets. In fact, the highest seed to advance two rounds is Detroit Sports 105.1 “Yes Man” Marc Fellhauer. The #6 seed cruised into the “Shitty 16” with an authoritative victory over horrid Tigers color announcer Rod Allen.
Amazingly enough, both Fellhauer and his tag-team partner in homophobia Drew Lane have earned berths in the third round.
Anyway, before we get to the voting to determine the last eight men standing (and we are down to all men with no women left in the running,) I figured I would provide you with a brief preview of the pending battles including my opinion of who SHOULD win and who I BELIEVE will advance.
Here we go ……
Eric Pate Regional
1] Terry Foster vs. 4] Chris McCosky
Seriously. This is just a fight to get into the QUARTERFINALS only. Unreal. And the battle between Detroit News co-workers promises to be a bloodbath.
In one corner you have potentially the worst Detroit Sports media member to ever live. A five-tool ignoramus in Foster. The semi-literate scribe and abomination of a radio talk show host will face perhaps the least credible beat writer in Motown history.
So who do you go with? The pathological liar, failed restauranteur who is also grammatically challenged or the incompetent and perpetually wrong Lions beat writer who probably would like to assassinate all bloggers?
Who Should Win: Terry Foster
Who Will Win: Terry Foster
2] Tim Twentyman vs. 3] Drew Sharp
Another Sophie’s Choice and we would prefer both of them to drown.
A key factor in deciding this match-up should be (in my opinion) Sharp’s probable desire to win this tournament. The guy realized a long time ago that his columns weren’t well crafted or poignant or thought provoking so he decided to become a wrestling heel.
He takes contrarian positions to draw heat and has become a caricature of himself. How else can you explain asinine Tweets like the following:
CBS just announced it’s doing a special One Shining Moment video for Michigan’s huge January week. #marchonlymatters
— Drew Sharp (@drewsharp) January 27, 2014
That’s Sharp’s version of Andy Kaufman traveling to Nashville and introducing the incensed crowd to a bar of soap and toilet paper.
Think about it. When we eventually hand the trophy over to the winner, every other participant would probably tell us to “Fuck off” and get away from them.
Sharp? He’d assuredly pose for pictures with us.
Some might take the position that Twentyman isn’t even a journalist and shouldn’t be included in the bracket. That’s a legitimate point, but this guy is a complete fraud who states on his Facebook page that his profession is “Lead Writer and Insider” for the Detroit Lions.
If his Facebook page and Twitter biography stated his profession as a Public Relations employee of the Ford Family he wouldn’t be included in this tournament. But, it doesn’t.
So he is.
Who Should Win: Tim Twentyman
Who Will Win: Drew Sharp
Copernicus Regional
1] Lynn Henning vs. 4] Vince Ellis
This is another tough contest with each participant trying to top the other one in a battle to fellate the General Manager they cover.
Just since this tourney was announced, Henning authored ANOTHER glowing column about the Detroit Tigers minor league farm system. Within days of that post, ESPN’s Keith Law wrote that the Tigers prospects were the third worst in ALL OF BASEBALL.
And not to be outdone was Ellis who just this past Friday night rushed to the defense of Joe Dumars on Twitter. Even though he wasn’t covering the Pistons thrashing of the Brooklyn Nets. Nope, Ellis was actually on assignment in Lakeland doing some legwork on Tigers Spring Training preparations.
Yet, he took time from those duties to Tweet the following:
Kinda funny listening to the #Nets broadcasters talking about Dumars throwing money around. #potmeetkettle
— Vincent Ellis (@Vincent_Ellis56) February 8, 2014
Those kind of knocks kinda frequent on other broadcasts, but you don’t hear that stuff from @gkelser32 and Blaha. Classy, professional pair.
— Vincent Ellis (@Vincent_Ellis56) February 8, 2014
Those messages led to this response from a vanquished participant in this tourney, Matt Dery …..
@Vincent_Ellis56 So you’re calling Ian Eagle on Nets TV out?
— Matt Dery (@dery1051) February 8, 2014
Like, can you imagine getting called out on the carpet by MATT DERY for being a Pistons shill? Yikes. Which led to this retort from Ellis ….
@dery1051 No clue who it was, but kinda goofy to point that out when your own situation is a disaster.
— Vincent Ellis (@Vincent_Ellis56) February 8, 2014
I am not sure what is worse. Watching a Pistons game as the team’s beat writer when you aren’t contractually obligated to do so or being criticized by MATT DERY for defending Joe Dumars.
Let’s call it a push.
Who Should Win: Lynn Henning
Who Will Win: Toss-Up – Earlier Results Might Favor Vince Ellis
2] John Lowe vs. 3] Mitch Albom
A battle of Freep staff members who don’t believe in math and probably would like to lecture you on the way things used to be.
You have one guy who constantly fluffed Jim Leyland in his Free Press chats and another who did it in front of a crowd at the Fox Theater with Judge Keith in attendance.
Who Should Win: John Lowe
Who Will Win: Mitch Albom
Sima Birach Jr. Regional
1] Vincent Goodwill vs. 4] Ryan Ermanni
This is a match-up that will really put you people to the test.
In Goodwill you have a totally biased beat writer who couldn’t break a Pistons related story if he hired McNulty and Bunk to tap Adrian Wojnarowski’s iPhone. A tin-eared loser who blocks people on Twitter for the slightest bit of criticism.
“Hey Vince, did you see Trey Burke donated a kidney to his mom who is on dialysis?”
“Whoopi Goldberg for the block, John. #SMH”
That blonde chick on Revenge is less vindictive towards the Grayson family than Goodshill is regarding Burke.
Then you have Ermanni. A dude who entered this tournament as a defender of a racist who’d make the KKK blush, a supporter of prayer in school and a man who called DSR readers “fags” in a Joe Louis Arena bathroom.
And just last week he went on his radio show and stated that there is no benefit for a reporter to do investigative journalism because there is nothing in it for them.
Who knows? Maybe Ermanni was just trying to make a last ditched effort to gain entrance in the “Fucked-Up Four.”
Nah. He is just a god damn moron.
Who Should Win: Ryan Ermanni
Who Will Win: Vincent Goodwill
2] Scott Anderson vs. 6] Marc Fellhauer
Last July, I didn’t even know who Marc Fellhauer was. In just a few months Drew Lane’s bitch (hahahahaha, bitch, what a hilarious word, BITCH!!!!!!!) has made a prodigious run to the “Shitty 16.”
This contest will come down to Anderson’s homer-ism, his obsession with sex as a 40-year old virgin and his aversion to advanced metrics versus Fellhauer’s frat boy culture persona mixed with a deadly cocktail of pining for the 1990s.
It’s tough to overcome a guy who bullied a potential rape victim™ (Taylor Lewan) but The Whale’s complete body of work is astonishing.
Who Should Win: Scott Anderson
Who Will Win: Scott Anderson
Danny Knobler Regional
1] Drew Lane vs. 6] Frank Beckmann
Since Beckmann has retired as a sports broadcaster he will never be eligible for this tournament again. So maybe this is like the Emmy’s honoring a show for the first time after it has been canceled.
Either that or Beckmann is still riding the coattails of his Tiger Woods/Fried-Chicken Gate editorial in the News. Honestly, Frank … why the two “N’s” in your last name? One wouldn’t do? Hmmmmm.
There is no real need to address Lane. Just multiple Fellhauer by 10 and you have the former WRIF mainstay.
Interestingly enough, Lane almost lost in the second round to 97.1 janitorial staff member, Maize and Blue face-painter and urine stained shorts wearer Dan Leach.
Lane’s chances of cutting down the nets are slim and none considering he almost was vanquished by a guy who doesn’t start his on-air shift until 3am.
I believe Lane’s fans from the 101.1 days are supporting Drew’s adversaries because they still remember when Lane wasn’t hosting a sports show. Stop doing that.
Judge him on his terrible 105.1 program and his failure to give the Detroit sports fan a viable alternative to “Valenti and Foster.”
Who Should Win: Drew Lane
Who Will Win: Frank Beckmann
2] Jeff Seidel vs. 3] Pat Caputo
Caputo has maybe been the surprise of the tournament so far as he has crushed his two opponents in impressive fashion.
Maybe Joe Posnanski, Rob Neyer and Dan Szymborski are participating in the voting.
Meanwhile, Seidel just edged out another 97.1 mop-up man Eric Thomas in the second round.
If past performance is indicative of future results, Caputo is going to be extremely difficult to beat in this regional. And deservedly so.
Who Should Win: Pat Caputo
Who Will Win: Pat Caputo
And now that you have read my jury instructions, here is the ballot ….