By Jeff Moss
January 8, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
I have so many thoughts going through my head right now regarding last night’s extremely frustrating Lions playoff loss in New Orleans that I couldn’t possibly coherently organize them in the form of a standard column.
I am like Claire Danes off her meds and the only thing missing is a collage of pictures featuring Aaron Berry, Drew Brees, Chris Collinsworth and Gunther Cunningham all over my office wall with a variety of OCD-esque marker highlighting.
So instead of a by-the-book Mossism™ article, here is my Lions Playoff Power Rankings with the assistance of Mandy Patinkin.
JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE
One of my fears heading into the Lions-Saints contest was that the players on Detroit’s team would have a “We are just content to make the playoffs” attitude and that they would get steamrolled by a more focused Saints team.
It turned out that the actual players weren’t the ones just happy to make the playoffs, but instead it was the fan base of this moribund organization and the moronic media members who cover the team with that asinine attitude.
Within minutes of the Lions season ending there was this insatiable rush to congratulate the team on a great year with this sort of “The NFL is back in Detroit!!!” mentality.
Fuck that bullshit.
This was a WINNABLE FREAKING GAME, people. Even though it got ugly at the end, this was a matchup that the Lions were winning at halftime and if they could have made one god damn defensive stop in the second half or their retarded secondary could have caught a ball thrown to them, the Lions might have advanced to the second round.
The 2012 season doesn’t start for almost nine months so there is plenty of time to look forward to next year™ (Loser Cubs Fan) so can we actually dissect this game for a few days before waxing poetic about how bright the future is?
It is amazing how low the bar in this town is for success when it comes to the Detroit sports teams. The Lions just made the postseason for the first time in 12 years, have won a grand total of one playoff game in most of our lifetime’s and most of you idiots don’t even get mad when the team loses a PLAYOFF game they could have won.
This town is softer than Rick Santorum’s dick at a strip mall that contains both a gay bar and a pet shop.
GUNTHER CUNNINGHAM
I cannot believe there is an actual debate if Cunningham should still be employed as the team’s defensive coordinator next season.
Did you watch this defense the last two weeks? Ummmm, last week the guy had absolutely no answer for a quarterback who had started ONE game in his freaking life.
Hell, if I was the head coach of the damn team, I would have let Gunther go somewhere over Cheboygan on the team flight home from Wisconsin after watching MATT FLYNN throw for almost 500 yards and six touchdowns against my defense.
Then on Saturday night, his unit displayed tackling abilities that made the 2010 Michigan Wolverines seem like the Steel Curtain incarnate.
If U of M is paying Gregg Mattison $900,000 in Ann Arbor, I’d drive up I-94 and offer him $2 million and the Varsity Ford dealership.
And did I mention the secondary that looked like they were being directed by the air traffic controllers who took over the towers the day Ronald Reagan axed all of the union members?
Not to mention an absolutely anemic front four pass rush against Brees even though Martin Mayhew has provided Jim Schwartz and Mr. C with an insane amount of supposed quality defensive lineman.
When your squad gives up a postseason record of 626 total offensive yards and 34 first downs, there should not be a question about your defensive coordinators’ future employment.
And if Schwartz doesn’t have the balls to shitcan his mentor then Cunningham has to do the same honorable thing that all disgraced Germans have done for over a century now.
Resign and live in hiding in either Argentina or Paraguay for the rest of his remaining days on Earth.
THE MISSING PIECES FROM THE FIRST LIONS-SAINTS GAME
An inordinate amount of Lions fans this week were confident their team could defeat a New Orleans squad that hadn’t lost at home all season long.
A main reason for that optimism was that in the first game between Detroit and New Orleans last month, the Lions only lost by two touchdowns and they didn’t have the services of Ndamukong Suh or Louis Delmas on defense.
Well, maybe after the loss this weekend, these yahoos will immediately discontinue the belief that Suh is the same dominant player that he was during his rookie campaign or this delusional conviction that Delmas is some sort of Mid-American Conference cross between Troy Polamalu and Ed Reed.
Suh completed his disaster of a sophomore season with another lethargic effort where he was mainly a non-factor for a majority of the game.
The website, Pro Football Focus, did a piece about Stompy McStompalot in which they specifically evaluated every single play in which he was on the field. Here is what they had to say about the 2010 Defensive Rookie of the Year:
“(Suh) did not make a single play of any consequence in 31 snaps in run defense. What happened on Pierre Thomas’ touchdown was far more typical as (Zach) Strief easily bundled him inside the run off right tackle and then to ground. “
The site summarized Suh’s performance (or lack thereof) in the following way:
“If I hadn’t tasked myself with watching him all game and the commentators weren’t pushing the regulation amount of Suh talk, I’d have hardly known he was playing. While Jahri Evans has been voted All-Pro, he’s actually had a decent (but hardly top-class) season. As pass protection has never been his strong suit, for Suh to register so little pressure is a very disappointing return.”
The article also mentioned that Ndelusional Suh was barely double-teamed throughout the night and when he was that it was basically overkill by the Saints anyhow.
Between his awful attitude and his regression during his second season, if I was Mayhew I would put trade feelers out there during the upcoming offseason regarding this monumental disappointment.
If there is a GM out there without access to 2011 game film who is willing to make the Lions some sort of Herschel Walker offer based on Suh’s commercial endorsements and name recognition, I would jump at the opportunity.
Of course, I am sure most of you are aghast I would even suggest dealing Suh at all.
Well, what is the worst possible thing that could happen without this drag racing fool? The Lions could give up SIX-HUNDRED plus yards in a postseason game?
Oh, right.
CALVIN JOHNSON
I have written over 1,000 words already without saying anything nice about anyone so I guess it is about time to discuss the greatest wide receiver in Lions history.
When Barry Sanders retired on the verge of training camp in 1999 I was extremely depressed for a myriad of reasons, but the primary one being that I thought I could live another 100 years and never witness an absolute freak of nature athlete like Barry who could do things on a football field like nobody else who had ever lived.
Fortunately, I only had to live another ten before witnessing another transcendental talent. And while I am not saying that Johnson has reached Barry Sanders status yet, he is sure getting damn close.
In the last three games of the regular season plus this postseason matchup, Johnson recorded 771 yards and six TDs. In other words, he AVERAGED almost 200 yards RECEIVING per game in the last month!!!!
What receiver does that? Like, ever?
The old adage was that you would prefer a great RB over a great WR because an opposing defense could always game plan a WR in a way that could render him almost useless.
Well, with the new rules in the NFL that basically cater to a vertical passing attack, that isn’t true anymore.
The NFL record for receiving yards in a season is 1,848 and of course is held by former Dancing with the Stars participant, Jerry Rice.
Would anyone be shocked if Calvin absolutely OBLITERATES that mark next season? I think we are on the verge of witnessing the first 2,000 yard receiving season in the league’s history and it is a matter of when Johnson accomplishes that feat, not if.
And now we return you to your normally scheduled bitterness and angst.
AARON BERRY
It was bad enough that this reincarnated corpse of Bruce McNorton couldn’t intercept a Brees pass thrown RIGHT to him when the Lions only trailed 24-21. A play that could have irrevocably changed the events of the game.
Or that he got burned more times during the game by Saints receivers than James Berlin Hughes in a Farrah Fawcett Movie of the Week.
Nope, Berry’s horrid evening wasn’t complete until he insulted Lions fans on his Twitter just minutes after the game ended.
“Y’all can go back to being Broke & Miserable…now back to regular scheduled programming…”
And the Tweet that supposedly was in response to the beating that Berry was taking on Twitter from Detroit fans for his abortion of a performance wasn’t nearly as offensive as Berry’s ACTUAL Twitter handle ….. Lockdown717.
Lockdown? Are you fucking kidding me?
Unless Aaron Berry has done some serious prison time in his life, he has ZERO business putting the phrase “Lockdown” in his Twitter name.
That would be like me going by the name of “JesusFreak316” or Bill McAllister selecting “SportsExpert1971” for his handle.
If this jackass is on the 2012 Lions roster I will “change my flat tire on 696.”
WILLIAM CLAY FORD SR.’s SEATING ARRANGEMENTS
As always, we had to get the obligatory shot of Lions owner William Clay Ford, Sr. in attendance at the game from the NBC cameras.
(And whoever invented HDTV must not have had 86-year old men with liver spots all over their grill in mind when they developed that technology.)
It was hard to tell exactly where the buffoonish owner of the organization was sitting, but it looked like he had some pretty crappy seats somewhere in the Superdome with an obstructed view behind two obese Saints fans.
I mean, where did Ford lay his hands on those ducats? Did he win them in a gas station promotion or did he purchase them on Stub Hub just minutes before the game?
You would think that after all of these years he would have some sort of relationship with New Orleans owner Tom Benson where he could pick up the phone and ask his fellow carcass for some suite tickets, but I guess not.
The one positive to come out of the Lions elimination is that we are at least 13 months away from the Lions winning a Super Bowl and while I am not an actuary, there would seem to be a good chance that Massah Ford won’t be around to witness it.
MATTHEW STAFFORD
I really don’t have anything humorous or brilliant to say about #9, but I think I would be remiss to write a 3,000 plus word Lions article and not mention their quarterback.
Stafford was on his way to another brilliant performance when he started to press due to his team’s atrocious defensive unit.
Look, all I will say is this …
I believe the kid is a Top 5 quarterback in the NFL. Right NOW. He is going to be ridiculously good if he can … (You know the rest of that sentence.)
During the game I Tweeted out that I think there could be a legitimate debate about who currently has the most valuable right arm in the city of Detroit between Stafford and Justin Verlander. A statement that would have been ridiculous just a few months ago.
But mostly I wanted to discuss Matthew just so I could post a few more pictures of him with scantily clad chicks.
REFS
For the second week in a row these asshats were atrocious.
The officials probably cost the Lions a touchdown by prematurely blowing the whistle on the Brees fumble which the team eventually recovered, but couldn’t capitalize on.
In a game in which Detroit desperately needed something like a defensive TD , the refs cockblocked their one legitimate shot at it.
But even more troublesome was the ONE holding penalty the officials called all night against Gosder Cherilus. I don’t know if there was an infraction on that play or not and I really don’t care, what I do know is that there was groping on the offensive line ALL EVENING LONG on BOTH SIDES and that was the only time it was fucking called!!!
It put the Lions in a tenuous 2nd and 19 and they couldn’t recover and get a first down. The Lions had absolutely ZERO margin for error in the game and that extremely selective flag cost the team from putting more points on the board when the score was 17-14 Saints.
But what do you expect from a bunch of Richard Bernstein impersonators who mistakenly called a TD on an obvious incomplete Saints pass when the damn official was standing TWO FUCKING FEET AWAY later in the game?!?!?!!?
And did I mention the horrible personal foul on that same play as well?
BERNIE SMILOVITZ
Nobody personified the awful “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” that the Lions lost their seventh straight playoff game than this talking head jerkoff.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t get to my remote control quick enough once the football broadcast was over to shut off the WDIV Local News so I had to hear Devin Scillian and Smilovitz explain to me that the Lions are back and we shouldn’t be too upset about the loss.
In the last decade I have watched Smilovitz on two occasions. One occurred when this douche bag gave Shani Inge a platform to whine about Brandon’s misery of losing his third base job to Miguel Cabrera and then last night’s exuberant declaration that “THE NFL IS BACK IN DETROIT!!!!!”
The next time I tune into this dude, I hope Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman are carting him around in a shopping cart while visiting local Detroit landmarks.
SEAN PAYTON
The matchup between Payton and Jim Schwartz ended up being a mismatch as the Super Bowl winning coach aggressively outmaneuvered the Lions throughout the entire game.
You would have thought that Saints were the 11-point underdog the way Payton put a premium on scoring every single drive.
While Schwartz refused to throw the challenge flag on a huge third quarter spot that would have forced a Saints punt™ (Sasquatch), Payton was going for fourth downs on his OWN side of the field.
Of course, Payton doesn’t have a 26-year old, Clarkston blonde piece of ass to cuddle with so I guess he will just have to be satisfied with a game in San Francisco next weekend.
THE OFFSEASON
Martin Mayhew has done an admirable job in his first three seasons as the Lions General Manager and in comparison to Matt Millen he is the second coming of what Brad Pitt tried to make Billy Beane look like in “Moneyball.”
But Mayhew made a huge miscalculation over the abbreviated offseason this past summer. The fact is, the Lions offense was Super Bowl worthy in 2011 (even without a running game), but he didn’t do enough to improve his horrendous secondary.
I am guessing that Mayhew thought two things:
1) The Lions were still a year away from REALLY competing for a Super Bowl.
2) The front four would create such a ruckus that the team’s terrible corners wouldn’t have to spend a lot of time covering opposing receivers.
Unfortunately, he was wrong on both accounts.
For one, fans spent more time trying to come up with a suitable nickname for the overrated defensive line than the players actually spent in opposing offense’s backfields.
And after watching the Lions play the Saints (Vegas’ second favorite to win the Super Bowl) you can’t tell me that with a somewhat credible secondary this team couldn’t still be alive.
How many third and longs did Brees convert? Not to mention the fourth down conversions. I am guessing that one high quality cornerback addition would have made a world of difference.
(Or if Mayhew’s actual addition, Eric Wright, just could have intercepted the ball Brees directly threw to him, that might have helped also.)
Look, I can only hope that this offseason Mayhew spends EVERY single draft choice and free-agent acquisition on corners, safeties and offensive lineman.
I am dead serious, it wouldn’t bother me one bit if the Lions EXCLUSIVELY drafted secondary players and protection for Stafford this coming April.
I have no issue with Mayhew’s normal operating procedure of taking the best available player. It is how you end up drafting Randy Moss instead of Terry Fair.
But this team is THAT close to actually competing for a SUPER BOWL and it is time to go for it and if that means targeting certain needs, so be it. Actually, it was time to do that this past offseason (as I prophetically wrote), but better late than never.