My Response to the “William Clay Ford, Sr.” Police Report

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kasket

By Jeff Moss
January 30, 2014
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com

I have a sneaking suspicion that the story of the Detroit Lions organization filing a police report over a joke I Tweeted out two weeks ago is about to go viral.

It’s already been picked up by the network that publishes the News-Herald, Oakland Press and Macomb Daily.

So, if this is the first you are reading about this story, I’d advise you to click this link and get the entire backstory.

If you are too lazy, let me give you the abridged version of the story. The managing editor of the Lions propaganda website is a woman named Chrissie Wywrot.

On January 16th, she Tweeted this out to the world …..

I responded with the following Tweets:

Both were clearly jokes. I think the second one was kind of clever; the first attempt at humor was crass and vile, but it reflected my miserable mood considering the Lions had hired career loser Jim Caldwell to replace Jim Schwartz as the team’s head coach only 48 hours earlier.

If the hiring of a man who possesses a career head coaching record of 28-77 when Peyton Manning IS NOT his quarterback wasn’t bad enough, the fact that owner Bill Ford, Jr., President Tom Lewand and GM Martin Mayhew refused to answer questions at the podium from the media about the hire infuriated me even more.

With the epic collapse during the second half of the 2013 season; the team’s one playoff win over the last 56 years; and the franchise’s Scarlett Letter of being the only non-expansion team to never sniff a Super Bowl … well …. I was at my wit’s end with these people.

And since my only platforms of protest against this third-trimester abortion of a franchise are Twitter and this website, I have resorted to vitriolic rants against anyone associated with the team.

Which explains the now infamous Tweet to Wywrot. Somehow this dingbat misconstrued a JOKE about PhotoShop as me reenacting the scene from Casino where Nicky Santoro and his brother meet their violent end — with William Clay Ford, Sr. and Tim Twentyman playing the part of the victims.

Yep. Because I have a long history of physical violence against ANYONE, much less a man who will be turning 89 years old this March!!!!! What was I going to do to this frail old relic? Take his Judge Judy away from him?

Anyway, Wywrot and the Lions’ version of Paul Blart (Bill Cory) decided that a wisecrack about a PhotoShop’d picture of Ford, Sr. and Twentyman in a casket was a “threat” against the inept owner and his whore public relations stooge.

So the Lions organization filed a police report with the city of Allen Park, where a portion of their practice facility resides. Here is that report …..

Police Report Page 2Police Report Page 1

If you would indulge me, I’d like to make a few observations regarding this hilarious document.

1] The victim is William Clay Ford, Sr. and the suspect is Jeff Moss. Can you imagine? The first time I read that I couldn’t stop laughing. I am going to frame this document and place it in my Great Room next to my other sports memorabilia. Do you know how much I would have paid for such an artifact 24 hours ago? And the Lions GAVE it to me as a gift.

Hell, only a signed pair of Barry Sanders’ game-worn shoes or the luggage that Tatum Bell stole from Rudi Johnson could top this for my personal collection.

William Clay Ford, Sr. is a victim? I am speechless. Since the Allen Park Police Department seems to be taking frivolous criminal complaints lately, I’d like them to arrest Ford, Sr. for mentally abusing this fan base for the last 50 years with such asinine decisions as letting his drinking buddy (Russ Thomas) run the organization for decades and later handing the keys over to Matt Millen for eight seasons.

The victim? ALL OF US.

2] The Tweet that is mentioned in the criminal complaint occurred on January 16th. The Lions were so fearful that I was going to hunt down Ford, Sr. with a meat cleaver and beat “natural causes” to the punch by a few months that they didn’t file this complaint until January 27th. ELEVEN DAYS LATER!!!!!!

Are you effing kidding me with this? Remember the scene in A Few Good Men when Kaffee asked Jessup if Santiago was in “grave danger”and Jack Nicholson responded, “Is there another kind?”

Well, we finally found out the answer from the Detroit Lions this week.

Yes …. yes there is.

3] When the football franchise equivalent of the Benny Hill Show finally got around to reporting the grave and imminent danger to Ford, Sr.’s well-being, did Wywrot drive over to the Allen Park Police Headquarters to report the potential crime?

Nope. This abomination of an organization had the audacity to call the Allen Park cops and request that they take a statement at the team’s practice facility.

Even though the alleged “crime” occurred 11 days prior. And the witness to said “crime” wasn’t even in the building when the black-and-white did a drive-by.

Keep in mind that Allen Park is under an Emergency Manager just like the city of Detroit. And not only are funds sparse, but I have been told by people who cover the city for a living that there is a shortage of uniformed police most of the time.

Yet the Lions removed a cop from the streets to take a report about a TWEET from a blogger. And then assigned the case to a DETECTIVE in their Investigative Services Bureau.

What a terrific use of city funds.

And it’s not like Allen Park gets a ton of cash from the Lions in the form of taxes either. Most of the property the Lions practice facility sits on is in DEARBORN.

So what does Allen Park get out of the deal? Well, they get to say that the Lions’ practice home is located in their city. And apparently have the franchise sending their cruisers out on frivolous police runs.

I wonder if security assistant Billy Don Cory also rings up the Allen Park Po-Po when he is hungry for a Subway sandwich.

4] The report states that while Wywrot wasn’t available when Cory phoned in this emergency situation, she did type up a letter detailing my dastardly deeds. I had to fill out a Freedom of Information Act request to get my hands on that missive and hope to publish it within 7-to-10 business days.

5] I love the following quote from the report:

Wywrot is in charge of Digital Media for the Lions, she sends out Tweets for William Ford

She sends out Tweets for William Ford? That’s her job description? I don’t even know where to begin with this nugget. Her actual job is managing editor of the team’s website, but it appears she told the cop via the aforementioned letter that she sends out Tweets for a man who probably doesn’t know how to use a computer and almost assuredly has NO CLUE what Twitter is.

Just keep in mind that all of this went down on Monday morning. While the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks were beginning final preparations for the Super Bowl, the Detroit Lions were contacting the police about an almost two-week-old Tweet from a person whom they know is of absolutely no threat to them.

6] It’s COMPLETELY believable that the Detroit Lions had no clue who I was when they filed this ridiculous threat complaint and mistook me for The One Who Knocks.

It’s not like the PRESIDENT of the damn team follows me on Twitter …..

Follows

Oops.

Well, it’s not like the PRESIDENT of the Detroit Lions once “favorited” one of my Tweets…..

Favorite

Well, this is awkward. But it’s not like the PRESIDENT of the Lions once sent me a message on Twitter joking about my penchant for betting on thoroughbred horses …

Mention

WELP! Now this is a little embarrassing.

I mean, the Lions think THIS is a threat? A lame PhotoShop joke about a shill and their incompetent owner? From someone who has obviously been on their radar for years?

Well, I know that I am tempting fate here by completely going against the advice of my legal team, but on the day of his 60th Birthday Bash on SiriusXM, I have to ask …..

What Would Howard Stern Do?

And the answer is …….

vGR_W4VD.jpg-large

 

Now I know how Trey Parker and Matt Stone felt when they were debating whether or not to show the Prophet Muhammad in an episode of South Park a few years back.

It’s your move, Detroit Lions. Now that the Allen Park Police have deemed my behavior not to be criminal in nature, where are you going to go next? Maybe ask Axl Rose for some advice …..

Gonna call the president
Gonna need myself a private eye
Ooh, gonna need the IRS
Gonna get the FBI
Gonna make it a federal case
Gonna wave it right down in your face
Read it baby with your morning news
With a sweet hangover and the headlines too

There’s not anymore that I can do

Nope. Nothing more that I can do except wait for my Miranda warning to be read.

Remind me never to exceed 55mph on the Southfield between Outer Drive and I-94.