By Jeff Moss
February 6, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
Any longtime or even new reader of this website is very familiar with my frequent attacks on members of the Detroit Sports Media.
Most of my venomous writings receive little to no response from the intended target (with the notable exception of that idiot Terry Foster), but there is one particular recipient who quite often will get defended by his friends in this market after I’ve gone off on him.
And that person is Free Press blogger and 97.1 borer Jamie Samuelsen.
Whenever I mock Jamie for his idiotic opinions or point out that he is the human equivalent of watching paint dry, I get emails or Direct Message Tweets from his media brethren along the lines of:
“Why are you so mean to Jamie?” or “Why don’t you give him a chance?” or “What is your problem with JB?”
The answer to those questions isn’t personal. I have only met Samuelsen on a few occasions and he has always been fairly cordial.
As a matter of fact, he once informed me that I was a better writer than him which would be the equivalent of Gerald Laird telling Albert Pujols that the new Angels first baseman is the superior hitter. But it was still a nice thing to say, I guess.
So no, my complaint with Samuelsen isn’t personal in nature but can be explained as follows:
1) On the radio his Tapioca pudding personality and absolute refusal to embrace anything remotely controversial makes for a laborious listen.
2) His Twitter account is a combination of bad jokes, pimping his new 97.1 radio show (like anyone cares about a program that on most night airs from 6 to 6:45pm) and directing us to his wife’s Yuppie blog posts.
(I have said it before and I will say it again, if my wife decided to start blogging and the topics were how proud she was of her child lying to her and the struggle of meeting other couples with similar interests, not only would I NOT RE-TWEET that embarrassing garbage, I would hire the handyman who works on my rental properties to properly address the situation.)
3) His coma inducing performances on the Fox-2 Lions pregame show and Sportsworks.
I am not sure if Fox-2 General Manager Jeff Murri left a suicide note last week when he killed himself, but if he did it wouldn’t shock me if he mentioned the abomination that has become the station’s Sunday Lions programming.
Look, who hasn’t thought of shooting themselves in a church parking lot while watching Ryan Ermanni and Samuelsen drone on?
4) His own horrible blog posts on the Freep where he usually makes an idiotic point and then spends the rest of the article explaining why it isn’t as moronic as you might think.
(I’ve gotta believe at this point that when he is writing these “columns” that in the back of his head he is imagining me ravaging his stupidity which can be the only logical explanation for his extreme overuse of nonsensical qualifiers.)
And nothing typifies JB’s five-tool abilities (idiotic Q & A format, asinine positions, poor grammar, backtracking and overall stupidity) than his latest article about the Jim Irsay/Peyton Manning controversy and how it relates to Detroit sports ownership.
(You can click on his link here if you are a true masochist: http://on.freep.com/AAiaWr)
And while I am loathe to write an entire column where I post Samuelsen’s words and then respond to each unintelligent point, I don’t see any way around it on this occasion.
I apologize in advance for compelling you to read this trash, but here we go.
Jamie’s stupidity will appear in italics and my lucid rebuttal will follow:
“With the Super Bowl coming up this weekend, my thoughts turned to William Clay Ford.
No, no, no, this blog is not going to run down the list of owners who haven’t been to the Super Bowl. Nor is it going to recap the Lions playoff victories under Ford’s ownership – one. The record is bad. It speaks for itself. But as the NFL season winds down and all the stories are written in Indianapolis, I actually thought about the Lions ownership this morning and felt something I hadn’t felt in a long, long time:
Appreciative.”
Okay, so after listing the reasons why Ford, Sr. is most likely one of the worst owners in the HISTORY of PROFESSIONAL SPORTS he ends the thought by saying he is thankful for Ford.
When I read this for the first time I could only imagine that Old Man Ford saved one of Jamie’s kids from a burning building or donated his one good kidney that hasn’t been decimated by scotch over the years to JB’s mom who needed a transplant.
Being “appreciative” of William Clay Ford, Sr. on the morning of the Super Bowl is the equivalent of waking up on December 7th and taking a moment to be thankful for Emperor Hirohito.
Absolutely unreal.
“The Super Bowl matchup between the Patriots and the Giants has been swallowed whole this week by the bizarre bickering between Colts legend Peyton Manning and team owner Jim Irsay. These two make Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich seem like Steve Mariucci and Tom Izzo – best of friends.”
Oh, thanks for the explanation of that AWFUL joke and comparison, Jamie. Because, ya know, someone desperate enough for sports content who would actually read your tripe probably wouldn’t know that Mooch and Izzo are close friends.
You know what makes Chris Rock and Louis C.K. such great comedians? How they explain their jokes after they tell them. You’ve gotta believe me.
Without that enlightenment there probably would have been tons of Freep readers confused that Peyton, Irsay, Romney and Gingrich all grew up in Iron Mountain.
“Rest assured that the Lions will never take to Twitter to defame their greatest player. Other than the players, the only member of the Lions brass that has a Twitter account is coach Jim Schwartz and that’s used mostly to let us know what’s on his iPod when he’s driving to the game. The lack of social media doesn’t erase the win-loss record over the last fifty years and trust me, I’d much rather have Irsay’s Super Bowl trophy. But this whole soap opera in Indianapolis is a reminder that we have it pretty good here in Detroit when it comes to owners.”
No, the Lions probably wouldn’t go to Twitter to insult their “greatest player.” Probably because their bag of bones owner most likely doesn’t even know how to use a GOD DAMN COMPUTER more or less a social media platform.
Instead, THIS is what William Clay Ford, Sr. ACTUALLY did to the BEST PLAYER that ever played for him.
He created such a long standing CULTURE OF LOSING that after a spectacular 10-year career that had him on the cusp of ANNIHILATING the all-time NFL rushing record, Barry Sanders quit because he couldn’t take the despair anymore.
Yep, Ford, Sr. didn’t Tweet a rebuttal to his BEST PLAYER’S irresponsible accusations, he FUCKING RAN HIM OUT OF THE GAME IN THE PRIME OF HIS CAREER!!!!
And not only did Ford, Sr. crush his BEST PLAYER’S spirit, he also refused to trade him to a competitive team thus robbing Barry and his fans of witnessing #20 smash Walter Payton’s record and maybe, just maybe the ability to play in a Super Bowl!!!!
But it gets even better. William Clay Ford, Sr. actually SUED Barry Sanders when the greatest running back to ever live refused to give back the portion of the signing bonus the Lions felt he owed them after he quit.
So not only did the old drunk crush Sanders’ love for the game, he refused to deal him in a classy manner (like the Bruins did for Raymond Bourque) and then took him to freaking court!!!!
But hey, at least Ford didn’t say something rude about his BEST PLAYER on his AOL profile page.
Kill me now. Please, just do me the favor. Actually, you might not have to since my blood pressure just went off the charts typing the last few paragraphs.
But Ford and Mike Ilitch both have a record of hiring people and letting them do their jobs. Seldom – ever? – have they make themselves the story.
Seldom – ever? – have they make? Who is typing this stuff? Latka from “Taxi” or Borat?
Yes, it has to be admitted that Ford lets the people he hires do their job. But then, when they do it poorly FOR YEARS he gives them extensions.
And then when they are a national embarrassment, he gives them another contract.
Until, of course, his damn son has to embarrass his senile father in front of the media in an effort to guilt his pops into doing the right thing.
And Samuelsen thinks this is a positive?!?!?!
Meanwhile, Jim Irsay just fired a General Manager who won him a Super Bowl and led his team to a decade of unprecedented success mainly because he didn’t like the nepotism going on between Bill Polian and his son, Chris.
Here is a quote about Irsay’s canning of the Polian Family from an Associated Press article:
“Fans have been clamoring for changes, calling on Irsay to fire Caldwell and both Polians. Earlier Monday, Irsay tweeted that the fans’ concerns had been “heard and noted.”
Wow, an owner who actually LISTENS to fans concerns and considers their opinion when making front office moves instead of taking a huge dump on their trepidations?
Nah, I’d rather have a guy like Ford, Sr. who has treated us like peasants for decades and has done everything but make the “Let Them Eat Cake” speech.
Despite his team’s fan base chanting “Fire Millen” at OTHER Detroit sporting events and organizing protest rallies, Ford handed Matt Millen a five-year extension years after it was painfully obvious the man had no clue how to run an NFL team.
Yep, I am so APPRECIATIVE that we have William Clay Ford, Sr. instead of Jim Irsay.
“But just remember that Irsay is part of a family that robbed the city of Baltimore of its beloved Colts.”
Are you fucking kidding me? Jim Irsay was TWENTY-FIVE years old when the Colts moved to Indy.
Should we blame Bill Ford, Jr. for the hiring of Russ Thomas?
I guess Samuelsen thinks that Rocky Wirtz should shoulder some of the blame for blacking out all of those home Blackhawks games over the years because his dad, Bill Wirtz, was a frugal assbag.
It would be completely ridiculous to place any culpability on Jim for that move and I am not even going to get into the legitimate reasons (eminent domain among others) his father, Robert, had for moving the Colts from Baltimore in the first place.
“And Irsay is now publicly feuding and breaking up with the greatest Indianapolis Colt of all-time. He’s ruining the great era that the Colts enjoyed. And he’s forcing many Colts fans to turn their back on the franchise. The bottom line is that he’s putting himself and his ego ahead of the team.”
Wait, Irsay is ruining the great era the Colts have enjoyed because he is about to release a soon-to-be 36 year old quarterback coming off three neck surgeries and who might never again gain the strength to play the QB position adequately?
What the fuck should Irsay do? Give Manning the $28 million bonus which is due on March 8th when he is going to draft Andrew Luck a month later in the NFL Draft?
Not one COLTS fan is going to turn their back on the franchise because Peyton has to play somewhere else next season. These are the same people who embraced the “Suck for Luck” motto and are more than happy that they get to replace their Hall of Fame quarterback with one of the top QB prospects of the last 20 years.
Yep, he is ruining the past era by planning for the next one. That is called competence, you effing retard.
“Good luck getting free agents to come there now. If Peyton Manning can get treated that way – what does it mean for a backup linebacker or a long-snapper?”
Oh no, maybe the Colts should just give Manning the $28 million so they can better attract a BACKUP LINEBACKER or LONG-SNAPPER!!
This “mess” isn’t going to affect the decision of one free-agent. Players have always liked playing for Irsay because he does whatever is necessary to put a winner on the field and he is quite the character.
As a matter of fact, Irsay’s Twitter account is everything that Samuelsen’s isn’t.
Interesting.
It is asinine to suggest a free-agent isn’t going to play in Indy because of this little public spat that MANNING INITIATED!!!
That last sentence can’t be stressed enough. This whole debacle started because Peyton tried to sway public opinion in his favor regarding this inevitable divorce.
You want a comparison between Irsay and Ford, Sr.?
When Barry retired, the lawsuit was settled in arbitration and Sanders was ordered to return $5.5 million plus interest to Ford’s coffers because surely the carcass needed it.
Irsay? Wrote Manning a check for $26 million last year knowing full well that it was likely that Peyton wouldn’t play in 2011 or maybe ever again.
Jamie Samuelsen can freaking blow me.
“The Fords would never steal the Lions away from the fans of Detroit. There is no crime worse than that in pro sports. None.”
I am not sure if Jizz Bucket is familiar with Detroit history, but the Ford Family couldn’t possibly move the Lions from this area even if that was their desire.
Giving Ford, Sr. any credit for not uprooting the team from a community that is intertwined with Ford Automotive is the equivalent of praising a Hazel Park homeowner underwater on his mortgage for not moving to a new mansion in Bloomfield Hills.
This dumbshit actually thinks it was credible for Ford, Sr. to move the Lions and not have a major riot in his River Rouge plant?
“Great Detroit athletes are royalty. The best of the best retire or leave on their terms. There are some exceptions (Barry Sanders, Isiah Thomas, Sergei Fedorov come to mind), but often times those departures have more to do with the athletes than they do with the owner.”
Wait, he didn’t just mention Barry Sanders in an article about how classy Ford, Sr. has been when dealing with his superstar players, did he?
I guess in Jamie Samuelsen’s world it is worse to send a Tweet than file a lawsuit.
I mean, who wouldn’t rather have a process server knock on their door as opposed to a snarky Twat?
I think I am just going to print this latest piece of shit article by Samuelsen out and fold it up in my wallet.
So the next time one of his buddies asks me why I am so nasty to this tool, I can pull it out and Jizz Bucket himself can explain my disgust in his own words.