By Jeff Moss
February 16, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
I have been writing articles on this website since March of 2003 and to my knowledge I have never written a live diary of a Red Wings game.
(I’d ask the DSR’s archivist to check for sure, but he is a bitter old man who would rather spend his time trying to get other contributors of this site fired from their job or law students expelled for their DortSpertRug conduct.)
I can’t remember ever giving a play-by-play description of a postseason game because I’d be way too nervous to write coherently and when is there EVER a regular season matchup that would warrant this sort of treatment? (The site was negative six years old when the Darren McCarty/Claude Lemieux epic took place.)
But with the Red Wings on the verge of breaking the single-season record for consecutive home wins, I figured it was either now or never to attempt this sort of piece.
And before we get to the game, I might as well tackle the validity of this streak in the first place.
On the one hand, the 1929-30 Boston Bruins and 1975-6 Philadelphia Flyers didn’t have the luxury of a winner being declared in EVERY SINGLE GAME. There was no gimmick like the shoot-out to guarantee a victor.
On the other hand, the Bruins played in a league that had two teams from Montreal, a Detroit squad that wasn’t even called the Red Wings yet AND another franchise from Pittsburgh. Named the PIRATES.
(And to show you some things never change, the Pittsburgh Pirates of the NHL were 5-36-3 that season. The worst team in the league. By far. Their head coach that year was Frank Fredrickson who… wait for it… is currently the Detroit Tigers bullpen coach.)
The Flyers 20-game win streak is easily the most impressive as they did it in an era where goalies actually wore masks and if a team’s netminder got injured during the game, the home team’s trainer didn’t finish the game between the pipes. And of course, there was NO overtime during the Flyers run.
The one mitigating factor in all of this that leans in the Wings favor is we have never seen NHL parity like we are currently witnessing. Due to this remora known as the salary cap, it is extremely difficult to assemble a team that can possibly win 21 straight games in your own barn™ (Archaic Hockey Term.)
But the fact that the Wings literally have two more chances than those Broad Street Bullies to WIN a game (the five minute OT and the bastardized skills competition) is a FACT that cannot be ignored. Unless you are a total Red Wing slap dick.
Anyway, the game is about to start so let’s see how this works out. And as always, due to copyright infringement, I will tithe ten percent of all income generated from this column to the Church of Bill Simmons.
7:37: Unfortunately, Detroit’s hockey franchise is attempting to break a home record and not an away mark so we will be held hostage by Mickey Redmond for the next three hours. Maybe we will get lucky and Larry Murphy will slide Mick the wrong silverware between periods.
7:42: Wow, what the hell was I thinking when I decided to write a HOCKEY diary?? There is a reason that nobody has ever tried this before. There are long stretches with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to comment on. Man, I need some sort of Jiri Fischer-like calamity to occur soon or this is going to be painstakingly awful.
7:45: That’s an icing call on the Stars. How the fuck do you make icing interesting? Okay, you can put your hand down now, Scott “The Gator” Anderson.
7:51: The Stars Jamie Benn runs over Joey MacDonald and gets called for goalie interference. The Wings get the first power play of the game.
7:52: Henrik Zetterberg nets a PP marker to make it 1-0 on a weird deflection off a Dallas defenseman’s stick. What percentage of goals in the NHL can be described with the phrase, “weird deflection”? 35 percent? 40?
Wings 1 Stars 0.
7:55: Off a clean faceoff win, Brad Stuart’s shot from the point makes its way past Kari Lehtonen and into the net for the second goal of the game.
According to DSR sources, it is extremely likely that Stuart will look for a gig out West this summer when he becomes an unrestricted free-agent as he has never moved his wife and children to Detroit. Even though he has been in town for four years.
Kenny Holland has already prepared for this contingency as the team’s locker room manager has ordered a nameplate for “Ryan Suter” and Drew Miller has already agreed to give up his #20 jersey for the current Nashville Predator blueliner and upcoming UFA.
8:01: More pressure by Detroit as this game has been as one-sided as a spelling bee between Terry Foster and any 14-year old Asian girl you could pull off the street. If it weren’t for the outstanding play of Lehtonen the score could be 4-0. Easy.
As a matter of fact, I haven’t seen such dominance by the Wings since the last time they played at the Pepsi Center in Denver ……
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/104347/we-are-the-champions
8:03: Honestly, did anyone think Detroit’s streak was going to end against a team whose best player is named Loui? I mean, guys with that name either run a delicatessen counter or operate out of the cage in the Sunshine Cab Company garage. They don’t end 20-game home winning streaks.
8:06: Here comes another power play for Detroit. As if this whole game hasn’t looked like one giant man advantage already. This infraction occurred during a skirmish in front of the Wings net and Adam Burish is going to the box for roughing. This Burish guy is Jewish and Dallas has another player named Fiddler.
I am not sure if they came to town to break up our streak or perform, “If I Were a Rich Man.”
8:10: Wings play-by-play announcer Ken Daniels is now explaining why Detroit’s streak is more impressive than Philly’s. Something about how bad the Washington Capitals and the Kansas City Scouts were. Well, unless ten of those games were against D.C. and K.C., I don’t think that makes up for the fact that this current Wings team gets three kicks at the can to win each game.
During this stretch the team has needed the shootout THREE TIMES to keep the streak alive. And the Flyers didn’t have the benefit of even the five-minute OT. Seriously, the streak would have ended at 11 if it weren’t for the Home Run Derby of Hockey determining the results of regular season games.
Daniels then had the nerve to say that some opposing teams during the 70s suffered, “Flyers Flu”, when visiting the Spectrum because of the rough-and-tumble nature of the BSB. Well, I don’t know, call me manic depressive, but doesn’t that factor into their home-ice mystique? And maybe that is why Philly was so damn dominant at home?!!?!?
This slappy actually was trying to denigrate Philly’s 20-game streak because some opposing players were terrified to lace ‘em up against the Flyers. Hell, Jack Edwards is even embarrassed with that sort of homerism.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7lgL3jm6H8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfhMlxZai6Y
8:10: Redmond just thanked two Marines in attendance for their service to country and then called them, “good looking lads.” Wow, I always wanted to know what would happen if you crossed bad hair implants, Carson Kressley and Don Cherry.
8:12: Detroit winger Cory Emmerton just lit up Tom Wandell in Kronwallian-esque fashion behind the Dallas net.
In related news, half of the Fox Sports Detroit viewing audience who haven’t watched a game all season long, but are tuning in to see the record smashed muttered to themselves, “Who the fuck is Cory Emmerton?” Wait until they find out Drapes and Ozzie retired.
8:14: And that is the end of the first period with the Wings getting a whopping 20 shots on net while totally dominating the game. Three things appear certain after 20 minutes of play:
1) The Wings don’t really care if this record will come with an asterisk. They want it badly.
2) Brett Hull, Joe Nieuwendyk and Mike Modano aren’t about to walk through that door.
3) I subliminally want to go to Kroger during the intermission.
8:16: The Values.com commercial is on where that kid admits to the ref that the basketball actually went off of him before going out of bounds. I am still waiting for the sequel to this commercial where his teammates sodomize him with a broom handle in the locker room after a close defeat.
I’d just settle for an ad where the idiot kid who CORRECTS the ref (something that has never occurred in the history of organized sports) procreates with the girl from the Down’s Syndrome “Homecoming Queen spot” and their child is some sort of hybrid of Tim Tebow and Jeremy Lin.
8:18: One of my Twitter followers (@jeffbaker75) just informed me that the Wings will be giving away a Todd Bertuzzi bobblehead next Thursday night at the Joe.
Ironically, the Avalanche will be providing their fans a Steve Moore bobblehead that same evening.
8:36: According to Daniels, the Wings are working on a special glove for Jimmy Howard’s return which will have to be approved by the NHL’s goalie equipment czar, Kay Whitmore, before the All-Star goalie can return to the ice.
Kay Whitmore? Wow. Talk about a blast from the past.
I mean, who did Whitmore beat out for this gig? Pokey Reddick and Daniel Berthiaume?
8:38: Correction on that Steve Moore bobblehead giveaway night from earlier. The Avs are actually giving away the REAL Steve Moore. His head just does that bobblehead motion uncontrollably now. Weird.
8:39: I don’t have the stats sheet in front of me, but I believe Darren Helm has taken 24 shots tonight and hasn’t come close to scoring on any of them.
This guy has a harder time finishing than a dude who has taken three times the normal dose of Levitra. So I’ve heard.
If you could just merge the skating abilities of Helm with the shot of Happy Gilmore, you’d have a guy capable of racking up multiple Art Ross trophies.
Instead we have a lightning quick forward who has the unfortunate aim of my 6-year old nephew at a urinal.
8:46: Believe it or not, the game is still going on and the Wings are about to go on yet another power play. Still 2-0 as the Stars have actually decided to show up for the second period and not get run out of the building.
8:53: The Wings failed to score on that man advantage, but Steve Ott is now heading to the sin bin for an idiotic high-sticking penalty. This is a dumb fucking team and Ott is the king of the retards. This guy makes his former teammate, Sean Avery, look like he has a high hockey IQ.
8:56: After 4 power plays the Stars earn their first. If I could bet on things like, “Who will get the next PP in a game where one team has had four and the other team has had none” ….
I’d be a rich man, Daidle deedle daidle daidle daidle deedle daidle dum, All day long I’d biddy-biddy-bum, If I were a wealthy man!!!
8:58: Daniels just mentioned that Johan Franzen is one game winning goal away from tying Sergei Fedorov’s single season mark for the team. Since, ya know, #91 scored 11 GWG’s in two different seasons. But, you know, he didn’t try. And he was an underachiever. And he wasn’t CLUTCH.
Yep, the guy with a higher points per playoff game average than Steve Yzerman and who owns the team’s GWG record was an awful hockey player who wasted his talent. I understand perfectly why there is a discussion regarding whether or not Sergei would get BOOED if he played in the Winter Classic Alumni game at Comerica Park.
God, I hate this city and I am never letting this go. Like, ever. You know how they say your hair and finger nails keeps growing for a while even after you are dead? Well, I will STILL be defending Sergei Fedorov to drunken Downriver retards after I flatline.
9:00: Helm just took a shot that missed the net by a good 20 feet. From now on I am calling #43 the “Scud Missile.”
9:02: A commercial announcing the search for a new Fox Sports Detroit Girl is currently airing. My nomination is Caller Leeenda from Grand Blanc. I haven’t heard her on the local airwaves lately though. She must be real busy since she founded “The Huffington Post” and all.
9:04: The seconds are ticking down to the end of the second period and the fans in attendance are chanting, “Joey! Joey!”, which immediately makes me wonder when Showtime’s ”Episodes” will be returning for a second season.
Meanwhile, pilot and shit out of luck back-up goalie, Ty Conklin, is seen on the bench checking out flight paths from Oakland County International to Gerald R. Ford Airport.
9:05: That is the end of the second period with the Wings one period away from being the twelfth story tonight on SportsCenter.
Red Wings 2 Stars 0
9:10: Here is a good way to not get laid on Valentine’s Day. Tell your wife she has to pick up dinner because you are writing a Red Wings diary and shush her when she tries to ask you a question about your day because you are trying to come up with a Bud Lynch juggling joke. I guess @LionsGal652 won’t be the only one masturbating tonight.
9:15: There are a lot of empty seats in the lower bowl tonight even though the game is being sold as another sellout. Hockeytown? I mean, this team is on the verge of breaking a record (fraudulent as it might be) and the JLA looks like Turner Field for a NLDS game.
It sure is going to be embarrassing when the Winter Classic crowd is 65% Leafs fans.
9:21: I have no freaking clue what is wrong with the FSD cameras, but they have started the third period broadcast using a “blimp” cam and it is making me absolutely nauseous.
This must be what Mickey Redmond feels like when someone slips him the wrong spoon.
9:28: You know, I might be more impressed with this streak if a team in their own division (who fired their head coach earlier this season) wasn’t currently on a 16-1-3 home tear of their own.
Yep, the St. Louis Blues have earned 35 out of a possible 40 points in their last 20 games at the Scottrade Center.
I’d have to say this is the best coaching job that Ken Hitchcock has done since Wrestlemania VII when he somehow developed a plan for the Undertaker to defeat “Superfly” Snuka in a huge upset.
9:42: I am still watching, but there isn’t much to write about. The score remains 2-0 and I am doing everything possible to stay awake. Earlier this season I wrote an article about this team being boring and not compelling and this game personifies that thought.
Other than Ian White for Brian Rafalski, this is basically the same exact team as last year and there is nothing fresh to keep my attention. I mean, Ian White has been solid this year, but nobody has ever confused him with Paul Coffey or Bobby Orr.
I am dying for a trade just so I can watch SOMEONE NEW and DIFFERENT. (Even if that someone “new” is a 41-year old right winger from Finland who has been in the league for three decades.)
It isn’t hyperbole when I write that if the Grand Rapids Griffins were on right now that I would switch stations to watch the progress of Gustav Nyquist and Brendan Smith instead of the ending of this game.
And yes, my co-favorite sports team is about to win their 21st home game in a row and they lead the entire NHL in points and I am bitching about being bored.
I don’t find this situation any different than the old saying, “Show me a hot girl and I will show you a guy tired of fucking her.”
And until Ken Holland adds a second line scorer or an injury leads to Nyquist’s call-up from Grand Rapids, you can refer to me as David Duchovny and the Wings are my Tea Leoni.
9:45: Jiri Hudler comes right off the bench as the late man and no defender from Dallas picks him up so he buries the puck for his 18th goal of the season.
Who would have ever guessed a guy that left the NHL’s best team for an inflated KHL deal (tax-free dough to boot) would have a career season during a contract year?
“Happy” is so eager to cash in this offseason that he hasn’t even concussed any of his teammates this year.
I’d only offer this guy a one-year contract this summer and if he didn’t like it, hand the “Offensively Talented Midget with Defensive Liabilities” slot on the team to Nyquist.
Under five minutes to play and ….
Wings 3 Stars 0
9:54: Redmond describes the JLA as, “(Packed) like a sardine can.” Can’t get another one in.” As the cameraman pans the crowd to show HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of empty seats. Even Gordie Howe thinks this guy is losing it.
9:55: With 32.8 seconds left in the game, Burish ends “How You Doin’s” bid for a shutout.
9:57: It’s a final from South Detroit as the Wings defeat the Stars 3-1 for blackjack. The Ilitch Empire really dropped the synergy ball by not tying the team’s “21” record with some sort of Motor City Casino promotion.
If it was me, I would have replaced the first intermission Score-O with a contest of a bunch of twenty-something Chaldeans screaming “MONKEY” at the top of their lungs for an autographed Valtteri Filppula stick.
9:58: In a classy display of gratitude to the “sardines”, the Red Wings players salute the remaining fans at centre™ (Canadian Spelling) ice in New York Rangers/MSG like fashion.
So there you have it. The Wings now have the record(*) for most consecutive home wins in a season. Which will mean absolutely nothing if they don’t raise the Stanley Cup in a few months.
Although, if the Red Wings fall short of their ultimate goal, I guess Brad Pitt and Aaron Sorkin now have a sufficient ending to their 2022 film collaboration, “Moneypuck.”