By Justin Spiro
March 14, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com 

It never made sense that the Detroit Sports Rag would hold a “Best Sports Media Member” tournament. Years ago, it happened. Back before the site became known simply as “The Dirt”, the Detroit Sports Rag was founded primarily to criticize the dreadful media personalities in this town. Jeff Moss, the founder of this stupid place, was wise to return to our roots by launching a tournament for the WORST sports media member in town.

I am not sure how Moss even came up with four 1-seeds for the tournament crowning the BEST media member. This new tournament had to have been much more fun to draw up. Could you imagine trying to list SIXTY FOUR candidates for BEST SPORTS PERSONALITY? Poor Moss.

Dirt’s Facebook page has been rife the past week with derelicts arguing over the matchups. We have moved on to our version of the Final Four. The “Fucked up Four” have had an impressive run to this spot. As the Resident DSR Bracketologist, I will be previewing the Fucked-Up Four games.

Did you not want an intro this long? Why mean?

Michael Rosenberg (1) v. Lynn Henning (1)

I will now write in Michael Rosenberg’s language.

Hi. Hey there. How did you get in my room? What’s that you say? Oh, you want a preview of the Me Rosie/Henning showdown. Let’s just say it is a heavyweight fight on par with Rocky v. Apollo II. Wait, those aren’t real people…?

So hey. I know I’m wrong like 4.3 trillion times per week, but hear me out. I’m like totally going to beat the Henning guy. And not “beat” like the beat in a song. Who are you, Elvis?

I will now write like a normal human being.

Michael Rosenberg’s writing is so painful in its technique I feel like he could win on his horrid columns alone. It is not like we needed him to be the biggest slimeball in Detroit media history to grant him a 1-seed. Alas, Rosenberg made an easy decision easier by sabotaging the University of Michigan with dishonest and ridiculous reporting that violated a grocery list of basic journalism tenets.

If this were a worst person in Michigan tournament, with all citizens of the state included, Rosenberg would still be a 1-seed. That is how bad of a person Michael Rosenberg is. I could rehash all of John Bacon’s points in Three and Out, but frankly most of you know that Rosenberg declared an agenda against Rich Rodriguez and did all that he could to carry it out. If you haven’t read the book, punch yourself in the face.

When I sought comment from Rosenberg for an article I wrote on his sabotage of Michigan’s program, I was treated to generally smug answers. I give the guy credit for responding at all, but it was made clear he had no remorse for his actions and stood by his reports completely. The benefit of hindsight has done nothing for this unfunny loser.

Rosenberg is a hack of a reporter. As a columnist, he is no better. Rosenberg columns are dripping with his awful brand of “humor”. I can’t imagine anyone laughs at his cringe-inducing jokes. The story of him being in tears over his poor book reviews on Amazon is the only laugh he has ever given me.

I would like to advocate Rosenberg winning the whole thing, but look at the mammoth turd in the other corner. Lynn Henning has made more idiotic comments than anyone in the print media and considering everyone but Wojo and John Niyo are clueless, that is saying something.

Lynn Henning gave the Tigers a wait time of “5 to 10 years” to COMPETE for the DIVISION title in 2006, months before the team won an AL Pennant and were prohibitive favorites to win the World Series. The guy didn’t say it could be a ten year wait until a title contender arose. Henning said Detroit was TEN YEARS AWAY from even being in contention for the division.

Henning’s annual Spring Training propaganda is already in full force this year. Brandon Inge fans down river are drooling over Henning’s fluff pieces about the career .235 hitter. Or they would be if they could read.

Once a week, Henning will chime in with a list of names like Albertolos Costanosfelizsanchez and tell you they are going to be a real star in “The Show” someday. None of the scrubs he mentions ever amount to anything.

Lynn Henning tells us the Tigers’ farm system is loaded. Baseball America tells us they have the 25th best farm system. Poor Detroit readers. Just blatantly lied to over and over again by this weasel.

Henning is famous for attacking those who criticize his garbage writing via e-mail. One DSR poster was told to “soak his head” after demanding an explanation for Henning’s outrageous “5 to 10 year” prediction. Because only a drunk would question the man’s authority.

The Joel Zumaya obsession is Henning’s most recent indefensible take, as the guy suggested the Tigers would rue the day they didn’t offer the china doll a contract. And after Zumaya broke his body AGAIN, Henning stood by his comments and expressed hope the Tigers would give him a look NEXT YEAR. What a disaster.

The Bottom Line:

Voting for this matchup is extremely difficult. Predicting the winner? Not so tough.

While equally worthy of advancing, Rosenberg’s haters seem fewer in number than Henning’s. Many MSU fans like the guy simply because he sabotaged Michigan’s football program. When Henning takes a dump on Tiger fans daily, everyone is pissed off.

The voters need to decide who is worse between an agenda carrying dishonest hack (Rosenberg) and a condescending propaganda artist (Henning).

After much deliberation, I will be voting for Rosenberg. While both are terrible in so many ways, at least Henning can be disregarded as a Tigers’ sycophant and generally be avoided. Rosenberg put himself into a sports story with his Michigan “report” and deliberately affected our sports scene. The guy was looking for his Watergate opportunity but instead made a total jackass out of himself.

Rosenberg deliberately harmed people in the University of Michigan football program to further a personal agenda. While Henning makes outlandish statements, he has not to my knowledge deliberately sabotaged a program or organization. Rosenberg is the worst offender of journalistic principles in the field and is the right pick.

Despite this, Henning’s wider base of hate will probably yield him a victory in this showdown.

Jeff Riger (3) v. Terry Foster (1)

I sent all Fucked Up Four participants an e-mail seeking comment for this preview. Only Terry Foster responded, saying he “does not care about the competition” and will have “no comment” on the issue going forward. Fewer words from Terry Foster is never a bad thing.

I counted those chickens before they were hatched, however, as Foster could not help himself and DID comment again several hours later. The lazy radio host accused Moss of creating this tournament for the sole purpose of screwing him.

“Justin dont be foolish. The guy set up the tournament so I would win. He hates me. I called him out for being a clown so he rigged a tournament because I embarrassed him on twitter. I called him racist so now this is his way to get back.”

Foster is so bad he accused the biggest white guilt proponent in the world (Jeff Moss) of being a racist. Moss feels so guilty for being white he wanted the world to know he cried when this country elected a black president. No one whines more about the plight of the black man than Jiff Miss. Foster somehow thinks the guy hates blacks. Foster is very good at being bad.

The voting in this tournament has been completely transparent and Foster has absolutely steamrolled the competition to get here. He has won his four matches with percentages of 89, 84, 77, and 100. The 9/11 conspiracy theorist dweeb made better arguments in Loose Change. You have to wonder if Foster truly believes Moss has fixed this thing or if he is simply in denial that he has fallen so far in his already underwhelming career.

Mike Valenti has been carrying Foster for years now. When he isn’t writing horrible blogs about saving Detroit with food carts, Foster can be heard pretending to be mad at Valenti for strategic anti-Detroit takes. During the 2011 NHL Playoffs, Foster jokingly predicted the Red Wings would rally from 3-0 down to beat the Sharks. In a clear attempt to fill the phone lines, Foster went along with the bit for an entire show. When the Wings tied the series at 3-3, Foster bragged about his JOKE opinion and gave out healthy doses of “I told you so”.

Of course, the Red Wings ultimately lost Game 7 (against Foster’s joke prediction) and we got to hear the failed candy man whine about how he “really felt they were going to do it”. Even though it was CLEAR his “prediction” was a bit to begin with.

As bad as Foster is, I am not sure he is worse than Jeff Riger. Known as “Kermit” for his Muppet voice, Riger is the less intelligent of the two. That is a HUGE dagger to Riger.

While Foster is semi-capable of decent radio work, Riger is just plain bad. These guys are on the opposite spectrums of effort, with Foster capable but lazy and Riger incompetent but hard working. Neither can write at all, as evidenced by their horrible blogs. But at least Foster has the occasional radio day where he is fired up and goes after people.

My good friend Master Shake called Riger a month ago and bullied him so badly on the air that poor Kermit apologized to his callers for his opinion. The Shake Man told Riger he was calling because the show needed an alpha male. Riger sheepishly replied, “well, maybe you’re right”. I don’t think we’ll be seeing Kermit in any of those Dove ads about being comfortable in your own skin.

Riger is unlistenable in the most literal sense. The guy could have the most fascinating take in radio history and it would be soiled by his nasally voice. Bill Simmons’ pipes had set the basement floor of horrible until I heard Kermit clogging the graveyard shift airwaves at 97.1.

To get an idea of Riger’s place on the totem pole, check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SuyqBrwuK4

Nice work sending this creep to cover the Automotion tryouts. The Spike TV model of intriguing guys with scantily clad women does not work when JEFF RIGER is on the mic. The guy Conrad Murray’d my junk before it even had the chance to get excited.

While Riger is horrible on the air and in print, he is not necessarily good at life either. This loser openly bragged about calling Michigan State fans to mock them minutes after their gut punch loss to Wisconsin in the Big Ten Championship game. Could you imagine being friends with this douche?

The Bottom Line:

It would be a relatively big upset for Riger to advance. Only insomniacs hear Riger’s special brand of awful on a regular basis. Conversely, Foster has the top rated show in the market (which is like saying an usher at the United Center has three NBA titles, but I digress).

Riger is inherently worse, but Foster’s laziness and larger audience should give him the edge. I expect to see Foster in the finals.

Finals Prediction

Lynn Henning takes Terry Foster down in the finals.

When the final participants are set, we will re-visit this topic. However, I suspect Henning and Foster will both advance and Henning will win a close one. Considering the vast depth of poop this field has presented, the winner should be truly proud. The trophy presentation will be emotional for all involved.

See you at the Fucked Up Four in West Bloomfield.