By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
December 9, 2013

For years I have been attending the annual Tom Kowalski charity event in Keego Harbor that supports various charities that “Killer” cared about. I made a point to show up when Tom used to hold it in the fire trap known as the Brewhaus and, since his tragic death, in its current iteration at the Lodge.

I have always debated whether or not to post an article about the happenings at the function and I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I post a blog about the event, I am accused of name-dropping Z-list celebrities and putting them on a pedestal they don’t deserve. If I don’t write something, others whine that I am being lazy and depriving them of quality gossip.

Anyway, there were a few good stories and media rumors to come out of this year’s Killer party, so I am going to channel my inner Perez Hilton and provide you with an article. And if you don’t like this topic, you can blow me. Which would really be channeling my inner Perez Hilton.

So, without further adieu, here are the the Top 10 stories to come out of this year’s event. In no particular order:

1] The major rumor being spread around the Lodge was the contract status of Terry Foster at WXYT-FM (97.1.) Now, I am not privy to when Foster’s contract at “The Ticket” is up, and I doubt Jimmy Powers is going to accept my call to find the answer, but from what I can gather, Foster’s CBS Radio deal is set to expire.

The scuttlebutt on Friday night at the Lodge was that Foster is in a terrible bargaining position. Management at 97.1 believe that Mike Valenti is the key to that show’s success and that Foster is an interchangeable part. Furthermore, Foster has no leverage because it is beyond obvious that Greater Media (105.1) has zero interest in hiring Foster if he becomes a free-agent.

Complicating matters for Foster is the fact that CBS is paying good money to both Bob Wojnowski and Jamie Samuelsen to appear in a non-primetime slot for two hours a weeknight when the Tigers, Pistons and Red Wings pregame shows don’t cut into that narrow window.

Does Terry Foster really think the show would miss a ratings beat if he was replaced by either Wojo or Samuelsen?

And what was last week’s cryptic Tweet from Foster all about?

And here is that cryptic post I just referenced. Not sure when contract is up though.//RT @Replevin3018: pic.twitter.com/TFbg3XMZ0O

— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) December 8, 2013

Last Thursday night, the Detroit News sent Foster to Ypsilanti to cover an EMU athletics conference hosted by the student newspaper. I wondered why the hell a “big shot” like Terry Foster would agree to this lousy assignment. Well, if Foster is in a perilous situation at 97.1 and with the Smokehouse having turned into the Closedhouse, the News gig might soon be the only thing he has left.

Former WDFN and WXYT program director Gregg Henson also chimed in on Foster’s impending situation on Sunday evening …

@JeffMossDSR absolutely correct. That happens when u hitch your wagon. He’s tried this with me, he knows he’s got nothing.

— Gregg Henson (@GreggHenson) December 8, 2013

@JeffMossDSR He’s always thought he was more valuable than he is…

— Gregg Henson (@GreggHenson) December 8, 2013

@JeffMossDSR When you are a second banana, you do not get paid. Simple as that, if you can easily be replaced, no $$

— Gregg Henson (@GreggHenson) December 8, 2013

This will be an interesting story going forward and I am sure Foster is thrilled that people in the CBS Radio building are already speculating about his future. With me.

2] At the very end of the evening I was confronted by Fox-2’s Jennifer Hammond, who wished bad karma on me.  Ummm, karma doesn’t exist.  Bad things happen to everyone.  It’s called LIFE.  And I find it quite odd to wish “bad karma” on someone attending a charity event whose  founder suddenly died of a heart attack at 51.

So did Killer have negative karma? Or did his fiancée have bad juju since she was like three months away from marrying him?

Or was it just a tragic event that occurred for absolutely no reason because that is what happens in this world?  Because karma, God and the Easter Bunny are all stupid shit created by human beings to make them feel better about this hell on Earth?

Of course, I probably do deserve to get hit by a truck because I have referred to her as Jennifer Ham(sandwich)mond on Twitter.

3] I would report on the my conversations with Michael Stone, but I am under a gag order as “Stoney” prefaced every conversation with, “This is off the record, right?”

“This is off the record, right?” …. I’ve got to go the bathroom.

“This is off the record, right?” …. I’ve got to find a place to eat my dinner.

“This is off the record, right?” …. I once gave Bruce Springsteen a hand job.

Stoney did tell me that if I stopped being mean and angry and got rid of the vitriol that I could be the Detroit version of “Bill Simmons.”

I don’t think the 97.1 morning host realizes that comparing me to Bill Simmons in 2013 is actually an insult.  Although I would like to produce a “30-for-30” episode on what REALLY happened between Rick Birch and Michael Bochenek.

4] Fox 2’s Woody Woodriffe showed up wearing Jim Carrey’s suit from “The Mask” and called me a “valuable piece of the puzzle.”  I have no clue what puzzle that is or what the hell Woody was saying to me most of the night, but at least he didn’t wish bad karma on me.

All I know is that there are tons of pictures all over Facebook with Woody and me touching each other.  I can’t even count the ways this must offend Woody’s co-worker, Ryan Ermanni.

And speaking of Ermanni, the alleged homophobic racist wasn’t in attendance at the party because he was off in Indianapolis covering the B1G Championship game.

5] At one point during the evening, Jamie Samuelsen was the celebrity bartender for the area where I was standing and the dude wouldn’t even look in my general vicinity for me to place an order.  It wasn’t all bad — I always wanted to know what it felt like to be an African-American at Denny’s, Cracker Barrel or in an Alabama restaurant in the 1950’s.

And as Dan Miller pointed out, could I really trust a drink provided to me by Samuelsen anyway?  Yet, refusing to serve me a Jack and Diet wasn’t Samuelsen’s worst transgression over the last 72 hours.

That would be this inane blog post he made on the 97.1 website on Monday.  In this horrid article regarding Jim Schwartz’s job status, Samuelsen made the following points:

• Schwartz has had several off-the-field issues with his players.
• His teams play “sloppy and mistake-prone football.”
• Schwartz has made questionable decisions that have cost the Lions winnable football games.
• His career record is 29-48.
• The Lions have an easy schedule and should have already clinched the NFC North.
• The Lions have a lot of talent.  Hell, Jimmy Johnson — who knows a thing or two about talent — says they are one of the most talented teams in the NFL.
• Schwartz’s team has also been the beneficiary of key injuries to division rivals, but haven’t been able to separate themselves from those teams.

So, after that laundry list of coaching transgressions, you’d think that Samuelsen believes that Schwartz should be fired at the end of this season regardless of how they finish.

Nope.  Samuelsen concluded that if the Lions make the postseason, Schwartz should keep his job.

The last three games should determine if Jim Schwartz keeps his job as head coach.

Is this fucking moron for real? Schwartz has been here for 77 games and you yourself just provided a litany of reasons why he is not a good coach, but you are going to make your decision based on a sample size of THREE games?!?!!?!?

Hey, JB, if the Lions go 7-9 and Green Bay and Chicago lose the balance of their games, should Schwartz get a contract extension?

This guy went to Northwestern.  Ya gotta believe me.

6] I wanted to make a donation to Killer’s charity, so I perused the silent auction item tables upon my arrival and instantly found something to my liking.

Alas, I was outbid for the Jim Leyland autographed picture.  And I am guessing the person who took that baby home didn’t have plans to urinate on it and then post the video on his deranged websight™ (Terry Foster).

I was, however, the winning bidder on an Andre Drummond autographed Adidas shoe for the low price of $180.  It came with a certificate of authenticity and the DVD for Season 1 of “Sam and Cat.”

Unfortunately, this story took a horrible turn when someone STOLE the collectible off a table when I was in the pisser.  The list of people in attendance who might have wanted to upset me by ripping off the Drummond shoe was long.  Fuck, it would have taken a three-part episode of “Law and Order” to go through all of the potential suspects.

Like, who STEALS an auction item from a charity event?!?!?! Even I think that person had a date with the Karma Police for doing something so dastardly.

Anyway, this story has a happy ending as the thief returned the shoe to the Lodge the next day (presumably after sobering up) and the size 18 sneaker (poor Jennette McCurdy) is now collecting dust at DSR headquarters.

7] I met Noah Trister from the Associated Press for the first time at the charity function and the dude seems like a nice guy.  But man, he sure seems to be a little stalkerish when it comes to the ladies of Detroit sports television.

If the Detroit media ever decides to put on “Wedding Crashers — The Musical,” Trister and Kurt Mensching will be in an all-out battle for the role of Todd.

And I sure as shit don’t want to be anywhere near that casting couch.

8] Every year, I walk into this event wondering who will confront me about something I have posted in the last 12 months.  This year, I figured it might be 97.1 morning show producer Tom Millikan.  But I never saw “The Gov,” so I probably got lucky there.

I was a little surprised that the media member who eventually decided to call me out was Shannon Hogan.  Of course, it was for something that I don’t even recall writing — even though I am sure I did.

The Fox Sports Detroit personality took umbrage with a comment I made years ago.   Something about not trusting anyone talking sports who bleeds for five days without dying™ (Mr Garrison).

Now, I can see why Hogan would think that was misogynistic, but I am sure I was just TRYING to be funny.  It’s not like I think the men in town are any better at covering Detroit sports and not acting as cheerleaders.

Anyway, I had a few cocktails that evening and my memory is sketchy, but I think Hogan and I worked everything out by the end of the night based on this photographic evidence of what appears to be me getting the world’s worst lap dance from Shannon.

I am sure others would have had a few choice words for me if they knew what the hell I looked like.  I’m pretty sure if Ian McShane stumbled into the Lodge on Friday evening, he would have wanted to have  his knife from Deadwood on his person.

At one point, I hit the head and, while peeing at a urinal, I looked to my left and saw Chris McCosky standing next to me.  It was pretty scary knowing just how close to Pontiac Trail we were.

9] BLIND ITEM: There were two Pulitzer prize winners in attendance.  One behaved like you’d expect.  The other seemed a little buzzed.  I can neither confirm or deny that the wife of one of the Pulitzer recipients raped my True Religion vest or that she spent a lot of time that evening with the person with whom I came to the event.

10] The highlight of my evening was meeting new Fox Sports Detroit hire Lindsey Hayes, who is like a hybrid mashup of a Fox Sports Detroit girl and an anchorperson.  Jeff Speakman would call her the “Perfect Weapon.”

The bizarre thing is Hayes is like 100 times hotter in person than when appearing on Wings and Pistons broadcasts, as this picture attests.

 

Now, I have no clue why Hayes is “dressing down” for actual broadcasts and then showing up in Keegotucky looking like THAT, but let’s go to well-known DSR Fashionista Chris “Fool” Greene for his commentary:

Hayes needs to fire whomever gets her ready for the camera. She’s a different person during these games.  Maybe it’s the 45-year old woman clothes and the going-to-church hairstyle.

I am hereby offering my wife’s professional consulting services to Lindsey Hayes for all future Pistons and Red Wings broadcasts.  I can only hope the two of them hit it off and I come home one day to find the pair in their bras and panties having a pillow fight.

And yes, I am aware that a few paragraphs ago I labeled Noah Trister as creepy.

So that’s the summary of events from the Killer Christmas Party.  Special thanks go out to Tom’s friend ,Matt Riley, who once again organized the function, which raised $29,000 for Kowalski’s favorite charities.

And Riley was running the show with a heavy heart, as his father and broadcast legend Dwayne X. Riley had died just two days prior.