By Brian Richard Calhoun (BoKnows)
May 15, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
As promised a few weeks ago, here is my DSR Casting Call: Best Picture Nominee Edition. I had always loved the concept that Ryan Maurer (old DSR name: Mauz) came up with, but often felt confused at the selections or saw it as too watered-down. Here I explain my picks and keep it to a nice-and-tidy number of 15 DSR members of past and present. If you haven’t seen these movies, you probably won’t get the references. I don’t care. And after writing this I discovered that a couple of these characters were from films that were surprisingly not nominated for Best Picture. Again, don’t care. Enjoy it, idiots!
RB as Mr. Alexander (Patrick Magee), “A Clockwork Orange”
Mr. Alexander had to witness his soon-to-be dead wife get raped by a pack of hooligans while he himself was receiving a beating that would leave him in a wheelchair for life. RB had to endure a couple guys being big meanies to him on a message board (is RB a set of initials? An abbreviation for a past username? Totally random alias? Lawyers will never know. That’s the point). Both incidents set the old, pompous dicks off as they dedicated their twilight years to getting back at the young lads who they swore had wronged them. All “Clockwork” devotees know a scene in which Mr. Alexander plays Beethoven’s 9th symphony to torture Alex DeLarge, our antihero. He sits in his wheelchair and listens to the anguish of Alex upstairs, his face percolating with sick, perverse joy. This is latter-day RB to a tee. The bitter, washed-up alkie has eliminated the illusion of manners and has fully embraced his path toward insanity with the attempted destruction of others. Die and go to hell already, you piece of shit.
Gary & Kevin Schultz as Donald Kaufman (Nicolas Cage), “Adaptation”
Sometimes the Dort, like Charlie Kaufman, gets a little too serious. Neurotic, even. Life isn’t that way for twin brother Donald or for these guys, who can swap scenes playing the same twin like Mary Kate & Ashley did in “Full House.” When Charlie was digging deep to try and discover if he could ethically spy on someone, Donald was singing “Happy Together” in his ear. When BRC and that Choco Shake Kid were trying to grasp the enormity of a college football coach singing “You Raise Me Up” and crying public tears, the Twins were confessing to how inspired they were at the performance and that it was the sign of a real Michigan Man. Doesn’t matter how bad you want them to level with you or how annoyed you get at their blissful indifference. They ain’t changin’.
Chris Greene as George Valentin (Jean Dujardin), “The Artist”
If only there had been a film called “Shock Pride” where a fanatic of mammary-addled hoopsters abducts Diana Taurasi in a critical Finals series to save the team from going to Oklahoma and it was nominated for Best Picture by the socially-aware academy, we’d have a lay-up for the man they call Orange. Alas, I’ve never met this alleged real life mute but have long admired his sneaky, effortless talents as a poster that – like Valentin – teaches us that sometimes less is more and it’s best to keep the volume down. (*Note: This selection was made at the suggestion of DSR founder Jeff Moss*)
Bill Shea as Herbie Stempel (John Turturro), “Quiz Show”
Shea, the recently-departed poster who took a dive at the establishment’s request, is smart. Real smart. REMORA smart. But just like we’ll never know how many of the answers Herbie really got during his championship reign on the fixed TV game show “21,” the question of Shea’s ability to post without the constant assistance of Dictionary.com, Thesaurus.com and Wikipedia.org will remain a mystery. Both Shea and Stempel were told in no uncertain terms that they were objectionable sorts whom people did not like. After this, both developed morbid obsessions with more popular men who enjoy inherent life advantages they don’t (Stempel with new “21” champion Charles Van Doren, Shea with our own Justin Spiro). Relentless assaults on the organizations that spurned these obnoxious twerps continued. If you were scoring generously, a solid point may have been raised here and there. But the feedback to each self-purported brainiac was unanimous: Shut the fuck up, please.
Jeff Moss as Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis), “There Will Be Blood”
Yup. Just like previous DSR casting calls, this is probably the character that Moss wanted. But could you really find a better character fit? Even if Plainview’s rigorous work ethic shames a man known for years-long benders from writing, no protagonist in movie history shares Moss’s pathological need to get over on adversaries. Disagreements or even off-hand comments quickly descend into mad spectacles of contention for these guys. When an oilman told Plainview he could spend some more time with his ill son after selling a big land lease, he was told he was going to be found in the middle of his sleep and get his throat cut. In modern times, Moss would probably search for his ex-girlfriend or find his wife’s body fat percentage, but probably would have had the same type of response as Plainview did back in the days of deserts and cattle. Like Plainview with fake-ass preacher Eli Sunday, Moss has a tendency to cross paths with manipulative weasels, most of whom will do anything to either get or maintain employment in Detroit’s sports talk radio scene. Seemingly every week, a new figure emerges that one could easily imagine Moss crushing with a bowling pin in his hand and a look of pure fire and hatred in his eye. Go ahead and visualize it. It’s fun. If we’re lucky, it won’t be long before a private lane is booked for him and that conniving little bitch known as The Count.
Jim Petroskey as Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem), “No Country For Old Men”
If you have never been in the presence of Jum Pete, this won’t make sense to you. If you have, you will know exactly why a character that others saw as “the ultimate badass” is an apt comparison. The brooding glare of contempt Petro casts over poor souls at DSR events creates an air of tension not unlike Chigurh’s scene with an old hick in a Texas convenience store which had a closing time of “’bout dark.” “Is this guy just fucking with me?” you wonder. “Will he actually KILL me?” you fear. So far, we’re all still speculating. But if you find yourself alone in a bathroom with this man at the DSR Event of the Summer, you better hope he’s got change in his pocket. It may be your only way out alive.
Michael Bochenek as Col. Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz), “Inglorious Basterds”
Fascism with a smirk. For any good liberal-minded white person, the thought of a man who took pride in his title of “The Jew Hunter” in WWII or a guy in today’s age who delivers slyly-worded racial stereotype bombs should be offensive. Patently so. Yet you can’t help but laugh with them at the way they do it so damn well. Like the master detective Landa, Bochenek is sharp as a tack and no line of PC bullshit – however well-intentioned – will be trusted or go unpunished. And much like Bochenek’s artful tightrope act on issues of race, Landa revealed himself to be humorously self-serving when he sold the Germans out just at a time in “Inglorious Basterds” when you started to wonder if you should continue to be secretly admiring his dastardly actions. With either character, there is no real sense in getting hurt or indignant. Just enjoy the ride. If you can’t, then congrats: You’ve been trolled by the best.
Kool Keith as John Merrick (John Hurt), “The Elephant Man”
Gregg Schultz as Col. Robert Gould Shaw (Matthew Broderick), “Glory”
I genuinely like Gregg and feel uncomfortable elaborating on this pick. If the other poster playing a Colonel is this feature has seen “Glory,” he would be much better-equipped to explain it. If he hasn’t, you will have to figure it out.
Justin Spiro as David Frost (Michael Sheen), “Frost/Nixon”
No one took Frost seriously when he wanted to have a series of paycheck interviews with the ex-prez. Sure he had deep pockets but who could fear a lightweight “party host with the most” who was always more interested in courting beautiful women than leaders of world diplomacy? Like Nixon found out in the “Watergate” segment of his interview with little Davey, I (and many others) were wrong on Spiro. Way wrong. The guy has shown himself to be solidly in the DSR’s top five of smartest, wittiest posters who can hang with any of the big boys in a debate. And like Frost before the aforementioned interview, the guy is hitting the books in law school, refusing to rest on his laurels. Disrespect him at your own peril. The kid is gonna be more than alright.
Tim Diemer as Will Hunting (Matt Damon), “Good Will Hunting”
Okay. You’re not wrong to think it. As far as aesthetic comparisons go, this is beyond generous. Matt Damon was once named People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” while Diemer would face long odds if Crain’s Detroit ever did a “Sexiest Appellate Lawyer Who Works On Griswold Street” issue. But Diemer does share Will’s genetic marvel of a memory as well as a curious faith in a poor schlub that life has obviously cast as a loser (in the movie it’s the character played by Ben Affleck, who admits this about himself. Diemer’s horse will do no such thing.) On top of that, what is Diemer doing hanging around this bunch of maniacs anyway? Here we have a bonafide Super Lawyer of vast intelligence and an admirable temperament going slummin’ with the boys from the wrong side of the tracks just because he enjoys it. In the past year, I’ve come to honestly like the guy I once called Tim Dumber. If you haven’t come around, fear not. Cream rises to the top and people wake up. One day, we’ll come to the site and he won’t be here. No goodbye, no see ya later, no nothin’.
Rob Otto as Jake LaMotta – fat version (Robert De Niro – fat version), “Raging Bull”
Make no mistake here: Unlike LaMotta, Otto never had a prime. But when you see the disgustingly fat LaMotta at the end of Martin Scorses’s classic, trying to reinvent himself as a terrible stand-up comedian, you get the same kind of sick feeling in your stomach as you do when you read a Rob Otto blog entry or hear him talk about his future plans in radio. As you witness the proverbial torturing of the animal, you have to wonder what the hell the guy is doing and why he thinks this is a good vocation for him. If there is one quality Otto shares with the younger, fitter version of LaMotta, it’s that his failures are ALWAYS someone else’s fault. Stupid Jake always thought he was denied a title shot because he didn’t play by the mob’s rules. Otto still thinks his shake-up speech at DFN is causing ripples throughout the local industry and no one wants to be in biz with a radical like him. What can you even say to someone like that? In the final scene of “Raging Bull,” LaMotta is doing something Otto would be well-served to: Finally looking in the mirror and accepting his one-way ticket to Palookaville. It’s what destiny wants for ya, hoss.
Steve Price as Martini (Danny DeVito), “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”
When Jack Nicholson’s McMurphy shows his deck of dirty playing cards to Martini during their stay in the funny farm, he gained an immediate ally. The mindset of someone so fascinated with naked lady parts was sure to be Martini’s kind of guy. Similarly, the human anatomy has dazzled the imagination of Steve Price, as seen in his poo-poo and pee-pee-obsessed stand-up act (currently found at The Comedy Zone in Fort Mill, S.C. and in the double-digit view ghetto of Youtube). A five-year old movie about pussy teeth? Relevant. Vasectomies? Hilarious. Hemorrhoids – AM I RIGHT?! I guess you can’t knock anyone for looking at the world through the eyes of a child. Where most of us see some standard clean-up on pubic hair as one of life’s little necessities, Price sees comedic gold. Martini is diagnosed by doctors as being in a near-constant state of hallucination, which explains why he never stops smiling. He is seeing something the rest of us aren’t. So is Price. The world of dicks, pussies and asses is just a stage for him, even if the rest of us – like Martini’s cohorts – look at him and still can’t understand what the fuck is supposed to be so funny.
Me as Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro), “Taxi Driver”
Poor Travis. Sensitive yet hostile, he didn’t have the luxury of the internet to get out all his fury, irritations and protests on this increasingly sick society we are forced to inhabit. While I do the ol’ “hide behind my keyboard” routine on a daily basis, Bickle was standing up to the scum and blowing away pimps and johns in a whorehouse as well as blaming his failed love life on presidential candidates. Thankfully, I have the DSR. If I didn’t, as I once told Spiro in a past life, “I’d be in jail.”
Bill McCurdy as Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson), “The Shining”
Jack lives in a world where his visions of the present are illusory. Bill lives in a world where his visions of the future (which include triumphant scenes of violence over his enemies followed by 45-minute blowjobs from a hot blonde) are just as fictitious. But both can play things cool only for so long. When the hammer drops and their tempers get the best of them, neither will do anything productive about it in spite of their grandiose self-images. At the end of the day, like Jack, Bill only has one logical outlet for the brunt of all that rage: His wife.
