By Tommy Hodge
thomas.hodgejr@gmail.com
August 17, 2013

[Editor’s Note: Okay.  So the DSR is looking to expand from posts solely about the Detroit sports scene and Terry Foster’s gross BBQ joint in an effort to Grantland.com the fuck out of this place.

With that in mind, we have hired a movie reviewer named Tommy Hodge.  Well, we didn’t exactly hire him because we don’t have shit to give him in the way of renumeration.   He just volunteered to submit these pieces to the DirtSpurt.

Anyway, I met Tommy on the DSR’s Facebook page awhile back.  His ex-wife was hot and I inquired if they would be into swinging.   That never went anywhere and I don’t think it was the reason for their divorce.  

Anyway, instead of swapping spouses, all I can give you is Hodge’s theatrical criticism.   I have to warn you that Hodge has zero professional background as a movie critic, so I am pretty sure he spoiled the shit out of the entire biopic on Steve Job’s life .  It’s pretty damn funny, though.

To put a DetroitSportsRag spin on a standard film critique, Hodge will not give a typical “Thumbs Up” or a final judgment based on a star system.   Instead, he will rate the movie in accordance with a Detroit athlete.   

I am waiting with bated breath to see if Rotten Tomatoes will utilize Hodge Podge as a metacritic.  I am not holding my breath — Jeff Moss.]

So Moss wants to add some diversity to the Dirt.  So I thought I would volunteer with movie reviews since I am a huge loser and see EVERYTHING.

Do you like Androids? Fuck off.  No, you don’t. That shit sucks. The Samsung Galaxy S? Who gives a fuck? Throw it in a dumpster and light it on fire.

If you say you like your Droid better than an iPhone you are delusional, and that is coming from someone who REFUSED to buy an Apple product because I thought everyone that owned one was a hipster artsy douche.

But I caved after being sick of my phone freezing and acting like absolute horse shit two months after I bought it. Do you know how many times I have had an issue with my iPhone? ZERO FUCKING TIMES.

Steve Jobs is the fucking man; I wouldn’t care if he’d worshiped Satan. That dude created the best phone you will ever see. I hope they froze his head Ted Williams-style, because one day they are going to run out of good ideas and will need to thaw him out.

What the fuck was I going to write about? Oh yea. The movie. Has your girlfriend or wife ever made you watch a Lifetime movie? Fuck you. Yes, she has.

I was forced to watch “The Craigslist Killer.” Yeah, I probably got laid, but that shit sucks. Why am I talking about Lifetime movies? Because “Jobs” was like a Lifetime movie, except no woman got the shit beaten out of her and there wasn’t a single rape.

I had high hopes for “Jobs” because I thought it would be done “Social Network”-style.  Ashton Kutcher plays the Apple founder, who is made out to be the most bipolar billionaire on the planet.

The dude starts out as some womanizing stoner burnout and ends up being some wimpering CEO who cries during board meetings.  In one of the first scenes in the movie, Jobs  bangs some chick he met in a park, does some acid with her, and asks her for an extra hit to give to his girlfriend.

In another sequence, he gets his girlfriend pregnant and proceeds to tell her to GTFO because, and I quote, “Sorry you have a problem, but it is not happening to me.”

So in between Jobs banging some hippie trash from a park and creating one of the most successful organizations on the planet, he goes from berating someone to sniffling in a meeting because they are telling him that the new Macintosh computer is an absolute failure.

As Apple’s CEO, he decides that most of the founding members of the company won’t get ANY stock options when they go public because they are completely replaceable.

After Bill Gates comes to market with Windows, Jobs calls Gates to tell him he is a “psychopathic, unimaginative criminal.”

After designing the Macintosh personal computer, Jobs takes out a full-page ad in the Wall Street Journal to taunt the established market leader, Intel.

If it weren’t for all the sniffling, you could say that Jobs was the Bryce Harper of the personal computer industry — smacking a homer with the Macintosh, then blowing a kiss while rounding the bases and taunting his competitors.

So what did I think of “Jobs”? Meh. It was a bit of a letdown.  It felt like a made- for-TV-movie.  It had no real insight into his personal relationships, just Jobs being a dick for two hours while bathed in constant wealth.

On a scale of Phil Coke to Miguel Cabrera, I will give this movie a Rick Porcello. You have high expectations for the film; it shows a ton of promise.

Once in a while, it dominates.  At other times, it gets tossed by the White Sox.  But, at the end of the day, it is just your #5.

(You can compare notes with the DSR’s movie reviewer on Twitter.  His handle is @TommyHodge.)