By Jeff Moss
June 19, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
For the second time in recent days, Tigers manager Jim Leyland went out of his way during one of his media scrums to point out that his current roster was just too nice.
“We need a little mean streak, we got a wonderful group of guys but I wish we had a little more asshole in us,” said the disgusting curmudgeon on Tuesday afternoon.
Really? This team needs to be meaner? More surly? Maybe Cancer Stick could give anti-Miss Manners lessons and instruct his players how to rudely eat their dinner while doing interviews with the press.
Like, I was under the impression that the Tigers would start winning more often when Max Scherzer and Rick Porcello started pitching like the first round picks they were supposed to be.
Or when the infield defense started gelling.
Or when Andy Dirks and Alex Avila returned from the Disabled List.
Or maybe, just maybe, when this loaded offensive roster starts scoring FIVE FREAKING RUNS A GAME which they don’t do frequently enough.
Silly me. What the Tigers really need is Chris Brown and Drake to visit the Comerica Park clubhouse and give a symposium on the new Olympic sport of “Bottle Service Tossing.”
But for a second, if you can, please forget the asinine idea that the Tigers need to start acting like me. Or that they have to channel their inner “dirtball.” Whatever the fuck that means.
Let’s ask this reasonable question ….
Are the Tigers a bunch of goodie-two shoe, boy scouts who help old ladies cross the street when they aren’t reading the New Testament?
Well, their starting third baseman has a history of douchebaggery that we KNOW about. In the middle of the Tigers collapsing and choking away a THREE game divisional lead with FOUR games remaining in 2009, Miguel Cabrera decided to get HAMMERED at the Townsend Hotel ….
And who were Miggy’s drinking companions? The Chicago FREAKING White Sox. That weekend’s opponent!!!!
And like, that wasn’t even Cabrera’s FIRST embarrassing incident at THAT hotel. The future Hall of Famer in a previous visit to the luxurious inn got into a war of words with a 15-year old kid. In that case, the svelte Cabrera mocked the teenager’s weight.
Did I mention that the kid was FIFTEEN?
Oh, and did I reference that the 2009 occurrence may or may not have involved a domestic incident with his wife, Roseann?
And I haven’t even started on the nonsense that occurred in February of 2011 when Cabrera:
1) Threatened to kill innocent bystanders at the Cowboys Bar-B-Q & Steak Co. with a gun he claimed to have on his person. When that missive didn’t work, he proceeded to make a bomb threat.
2) Erratically drove drunk with an exorbitant blood-alcohol level.
3) Got caught by the cops drinking a bottle of Buchanan’s Scotch on the side of the road.
Like, if Cabrera was any more of a “dirtbag,” he would have already overthrown Hugo Chavez in his native land and started reenacting scenes from “The Dictator.”
And what about the guy who displaced the Scotch-a-Bomber at first base, Prince Fielder?
You think Prince is always Mr. Nice Guy? Ask his old man if the All-Star slugger can hold a grudge and behave in a disagreeable manner.
For example, the time Prince had his sperm donor removed from the FAMILY AREA at Turner Field in Atlanta?
Look, I read Fred Girard’s expose in the Detroit News years ago about Cecil’s reckless behavior that caused the breakup of their family so I am not blaming Prince for cutting off pops.
But it kind of goes against Leyland’s idiotic narrative that this team can’t get down and dirty when necessary.
And if that isn’t enough evidence of Prince’s “killer instinct”, how about clicking on the following video:
Yep, that was Fielder trying to enter the Los Angeles Dodgers clubhouse so he could exact revenge on Guillermo Mota for nailing him in the hip earlier that evening. It was a scene that looked choreographed by Shane McMahon and was only missing Matt Kemp “Pearl Harboring” Prince from behind with a steel chair.
Or how about this performance by Prince while with the Brewers after striking out in a game versus the Cardinals?
Is that DIRTBALL enough for ya, Skip?
And do I even need to mention our current Designated Hitter? You know, the reigning Anti-Defamation League’s Mensch of the Year?
Delmon Young. A dude who drunkenly attacks Homeless Hebrews in the middle of the night near Times Square?
Oh right, but that occurred off the field. It isn’t like DY has engaged in any mischievous behavior ON THE DIAMOND. Has he?
Oh yeah. I forgot about the time he THREW A BAT AT AN UMPIRE!!!!!!! It has always been speculated that Delmon tossed his lumper at that home plate ump because he was arguing balls and strikes.
Well, I have new information from a very reliable source that what actually set Delmon off that day was the man in blue started reciting his Haftorah under his breath while DY walked to the dugout.
Yep, no assholes on this squad, Jim. Just a bunch of upstanding Christians with no history of anger management issues.
HELL, even the team’s color commentator on the TV side is a certifiable nut job with a temper that needs to be regulated by Dr. Buddy Rydell.
Not enough “dirtballs.”
No “mean streak.”
Maybe we can exhume Ty Cobb’s body and play him at second base. How much worse could that bag of bones be than Ryan Raburn even after being dead for 51 years?
OR Leyland can just shut up about this team needing more assholes. Because as usual, this fossil of a manager is making absolutely NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.