By Jeff Moss
March 12, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
What do a gay Joshua Jackson, The Walls of Jericho, El Padrino, Gilbert Gottfried, 500-degree sizzling plates, the MGM Grand Garden Arena and the Rainbow Connection all have in common?
Yep, they are all part of Monday Morning Mossisms™.
Springtime For Mossisms™ in Blooooom…field
This Thursday at around 12:07pm, the worst time of year in American sports will end when the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament tips off.
Thus ending that annual horrid sports calendar period between the culmination of the NFL postseason and the opening weekend of March Madness. But we are now through the abyss and this week commences the greatest stretch for a Detroit sports fan.
And while the dog days of winter between the first of February and the middle of March are usually painstakingly boring around here, this particular stretch has been even worse than most.
First, you have the Red Wings who are just biding time until the Stanley Cup playoffs begin while crawling to the finish line with an assortment of injuries. I mean, watching the Wings these days without Pavel Datsyuk, Nick Lidstrom and Jimmy Howard (among others) is like walking into a movie theater to see “Cruel Intentions 2 – Manchester Prep” and then realizing halfway through that Reese Witherspoon and Sarah Michelle Gellar aren’t in it and there aren’t even going to be any Ryan Phillipe flashback scenes.
Not to mention, the trade deadline was a snooze fest thanks to Ken Holland’s inactivity.
And as frustrating as it currently is to watch a debilitated Wings team lose the chance for home-ice advantage throughout the playoffs, that is NOTHING in comparison to the current Pistons situation.
A team that has no shot at the playoffs and the only GOOD reason to watch them at all is to root for them to lose thus increasing their Draft Lottery odds is inexplicably WINNING GAMES. They currently enjoy a three game win streak and are 6-4 in their last ten.
With each MEANINGLESS VICTORY the team’s chances of getting a top three selection further worsens only increasing the likelihood that they will be stuck in this purgatory of being good enough not to get the first pick overall while having a ceiling of a first round playoff exit.
This current Pistons squad is easily the most frustrating type of franchise to follow. Even when the Lions were at the height of the Matt Millen Holocaust, you AT LEAST could look forward to potentially adding a franchise player every year. This current Joe Dumars’ concoction can’t even give us the hope of a Calvin Johnson or a Matt Stafford.
(Unless of course, David Stern decides to fix the lottery for Tom Gores. Just in case, can we keep the Commish away from Debbie Schlussel’s blog?)
And while the Tigers competing in Grapefruit League action is usually a tonic for this depressing time of year even that elixir has been hijacked by the constant stories of Brandon Inge’s pursuit of the starting second base job which reached its apex this week with the following quotes from GM Dave Dombrowski:
“Starting with the defense, there are not a lot of things that should surprise me about the athleticism of Brandon Inge, but if you watched him play second base, you’d think he’d played there the last 10 years. He’s been tremendous defensively. I mean, I’m taken aback how well he’s performed over there. He’s got a great arm, great hands, but just making the adjustment — I guess it shouldn’t surprise me knowing him — but he’s been phenomenal over there defensively. People will be shocked when they see him play because he’s been that good.”
Well, that statement is nothing to worry about. All Dombrowski was saying in this interview he gave to the MLB Radio Network is that Inge has been playing well defensively which shouldn’t be a surprise since second base isn’t exactly the most complicated position on the field.
If you can play third adeptly, ya should be able to handle second. Or to quote the great Rip Torn: “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.”
I mean, it wasn’t like Dombrowski was giving a glowing report regarding the absolute key to Inge winning that job, his ability to HIT and get on-base ……
“Offensively he’s been very good. He’s stronger this winter. He’s worked really hard. He’s driven the ball. He’s using the whole field right now. We know he has pop in his bat. As long as he continues to use the whole field, and drive the ball the opposite way, he could go out there and have a really good year for us. It wouldn’t surprise me if he went out there and played a lot for us.”
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, please, just KILL ME now. Thankfully, I have just reached my self-imposed character limit on discussing Brandon Inge so we can now move onto another subject. But this misery is about to lift with the following schedule of events which will occupy our sports viewing habits over the next couple of months:
The NCAA Men’s Basketball Tourney
Opening Day at Comerica Park which will start the Summer of Prince and Miguel
The NHL Playoffs
The NBA Playoffs
The NFL Draft and Free-Agency
The NBA Draft Lottery
And for degenerates and derelicts like me who enjoy an eclectic smorgasbord of “sports” you also have Wrestlemania XXVIII on April 1st (The Rock vs. John Cena and CM Punk against Chris Jericho among other matches), the Kentucky Derby and its big qualifying prep races and a Floyd Mayweather bout in Las Vegas.
(And while I am not a Mixed Martial Arts fan, I am sure there is an upcoming Dana White production scheduled where two grown men in short shorts (that would make Larry Bird and John Stockton blush) roll around on a mat trying to either kill each other while totally sickening Kirk Cameron.)
Combine that menu with 70 degree weather days on the horizon and you have the perfect cocktail of enjoyment in March, April and May. Even a miserable cunt like me can’t help but get excited about this time of year.
The Hypocrisy of the Media
It has been my intent to write a quick little blog posting about this next topic for weeks, but with the “DSR’s Worst Media Personality Tournament” occupying almost all of my free time, I kept pushing it to the backburner.
A few weeks ago, the General Manger of Fox-2 in Detroit, Jeffrey Murri, committed suicide. And since I never miss a chance to alienate people while pissing them off, I made a joke that he did so because he realized that he employed Ryan Ermanni and provided air time to Jamie Samuelsen on Sportworks and the Lions pregame show.
The joke was clearly in poor taste, especially since I am well aware that Murri’s Fox-2 subordinates often read my work. But it wasn’t that much different than a lot of the tasteless things I have done on this site over the last nine years (and yes, today is the site’s anniversary) and in my fucked up mind I actually delineate between suicide and an actual tragic death like that of Jeffery Zaslow. An author who was married to WJBK’s Sherry Margolis and whose traffic fatality I NEVER would have made a joke about.
(Sorry, I have a tad more sympathy for a man busting his ass up north promoting his new book to provide for his family than a guy who would kill himself and leave two sons behind.)
As expected, my attempt at making a humorous point at the expense of Ermanni and JB clearly went over like Mandelbread dessert at Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s house.
Woody Woodriffe, who I have always had a cordial relationship with in the past, sent me a pointed Tweet that clearly displayed his displeasure in my Murri comment. And that douche bag Ermanni suggested that I write an apology for my perceived, “Too Soon,” blast.
(The same pompous ass Ermanni who treats interns like absolute shit while attempting to lodge his tongue halfway up Dan Miller’s rectum decided to give me a lecture on decorum.)
And while I haven’t heard from him, I am sure Dapper Dan isn’t thrilled with me either.
Well, there isn’t going to be any mea culpa and I am always amazed how people who read my incendiary pieces never step up and act all offended when it doesn’t affect them PERSONALLY. Nope, the indignant behavior is reserved for when a message hits close to THEIR home.
Seriously, anyone who reads the DSR knows that my greatest influence in life is a man who the DAY AFTER Flight 90 crashed right after taking off from Washington National Airport, pretended to call the airline and ask if the 14th Street Bridge would be a permanent destination for Air Florida.
As a matter of fact, if anyone should be handing out an apology it is Fox-2 for the manner they “reported” Murri’s death in the first place in comparison to any other subject they would cover.
When Fox-2 announced their leader’s demise, they NEVER mentioned it was a suicide or provided any details whatsoever to the cause. And they knew the circumstances of his death when they provided their first report on air.
How do I know that Fox-2 was privy to the situation and failed to report it in an effort to protect Murri’s family? Because Fox-2 legal analyst, Charlie Langton, told the Free Press that he knew what went down, but wasn’t at liberty to give details. This Freep report was posted on their website at about the same time Huel Perkins was announcing the news.
And this is where the total hypocrisy comes into play. If any other PUBLIC FIGURE who wasn’t associated with Fox-2 News would have committed suicide in a church parking lot, those gruesome details would have emerged IMMEDIATELY. To this day, I do not believe that Fox-2 has ever reported on one of their news broadcasts that Murri killed himself.
The double standard is sickening. These are the same vultures (local TV news reporters) who camp out at a murder victims homes attempting to scoop the competition with the first interview of a grieving family member.
How many times have you seen a mother of a child who was shot and killed just HOURS earlier in the city of Detroit providing a teary-eyed interview with a Fox-2 reporter? That type of instant reaction is crack cocaine to these ravenous “journalists.” A lot of times the morbid Q & A session occurs outside a local hospital where the reporter lies in wait for the victim’s kin.
I sure as hell didn’t see Taryn Asher stalking Murri’s wife for a reaction to her husband’s death. And you know what, she shouldn’t have. But if you are going to treat CERTAIN people with respect, dignity and PRIVACY when a tragedy occurs, how about doing the same for us common folk?
The next time an infant gets killed by an errant bullet on the Southwest side of Detroit, how about you guys act like the mother is related to Larry Lee or something and back the fuck off in your quest to get a reaction from the auntie?
Ya know, just act like you did when Jeff Murri died.
And finally…
Unless you have been hiding under a rock for the last few days, you must be aware of the DSR’s inaugural “WORST Detroit Sports Media Personality” tournament which is currently ongoing.
And there have been some interesting anecdotes regarding the bracket which have occurred since voting started last Wednesday.
From Rob Parker (vaguely) and Jeff Riger (directly) lashing out at me on Twitter regarding their participation in the contest to Ryan Field behaving like a good sport and having some fun with his advancement to the “Sour 16” to my accidental Twitter handle confusion where I had DSR readers sending votes for WDFN’s Matt Shepard to the foundation of Matthew Shepard who was brutally murdered for being gay by vicious homophobic scum, the event has been anything but boring.
But the most bizarre occurrence took place Saturday night in the middle of a battle between WDFN’s Eric Chase and WDIV’s Bernie Smilovitz.
Needing a break from my tournament duties, I decided to take my wife to dinner at Ruth’s Chris in Troy. Now, the chances of me dining at a restaurant with one of the competition participants would have been remote at best.
But what were the odds of the hostess sitting us right next to a sports media contestant while I was getting VOTES for him on my iPhone via Twitter and Facebook?
I was literally ten feet away from Bernie Smilovitz while I was receiving Tweets stating:
“Is Eric Chase that bad that he is beating Bernie? Bernie is such as asshole after watching him on WCBS-TV in the early 90s.”
Anyway, Bernie looked very content while eating his meal so maybe he already knew that Chase had a commanding lead on him at that point and he wasn’t going to move forward in the bracket.
(By the way, Bernie Smilovitz ….. HUGE sports fan. There were two televisions behind him with the Wings-Predators game on and not ONCE in over an hour did he even bother to look over his shoulder to check the score. I am sure his eyes would have been affixed to the HDTVs if a monkey in a diaper on a mini-scooter was performing at an NBA halftime show.)
Anyway, Chase eventually demolished Bernie by a margin of 85% to 15%. The afternoon drive host for AM1130 continued his prodigious march towards the “Fucked-Up 4” with this thrashing which is quite amazing since we can’t even be sure that he has been in town long enough to move out of a hotel.
Hell, I haven’t seen a Jewish guy come out of absolutely nowhere like this to destroy his competition since Goldberg speared his way to victory in his first 173 WCW matches. The only difference is that the former Heavyweight Champion didn’t feel the need to hide his heritage.
Because, I am sure there aren’t a lot of anti-Semitic WRESTLING FANS.