By Jeff Moss
May 25, 2011
What do Rick Allen, Chrohn’s Disease, the Columbine Massacre, Ryno, Sir Paul, Shani Inge and David Khan’s haftarah have in common? Find out in the most recent edition of the Mossisms ™.
The Cure for Cancer Stick
As the founding member of the Jim Leyland Must Go club, I have been feeling a little uneasy lately.
There is just something very dirty about all of these Johnny Come Lately’s jumping on the Cancer Stick Sucks bandwagon.
You see, when Emaciated Adolf was making the same bonehead decisions in 2006 that he is making now and they somehow miraculously worked against all logic, I was the one screaming that this guy’s thought process would eventually hurt this franchise for years.
So excuse me if I don’t jump and down and grab my ass cheeks now that it seems a majority of Tigers’ fans are sick of Leyland’s act and would like to see Mike Ilitch show him the door.
(It reminds me of all of the Def Leppard fans who discovered the greatness of the band after “Pyromania” and “Hysteria.” Where were you fucks when “On Through the Night” and “High ‘n’ Dry” were released? Half of you asshats probably think the only version of “Bringing on the Heartbreak” is the FREAKING SYNTHESIZED version!)
It would appear that the day I have been looking forward to for years might finally come to pass. The writing was on the wall this past offseason when Ilitch refused to give the Marlboro Man a contract extension.
The message upstairs clearly was to get it on, got to get it on, no choice but to get it on, mandate get it on. Oops, shit, sorry, I am listening to an Adam Carolla Podcast as I type this edition of the Mossisms ™.
Anyway, based on the fact that Ilitch once again decided against giving Leyland any job security, I gotta believe that if the Tigers don’t make the playoffs in 2011, there is going to be a new manager in the Comerica Park dugout next year.
But as infuriating as Leyland has been so far in a season where the Tigers have been about as consistent as a person with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, his supporters still remain.
And while they really can’t defend his maddening maneuvering or his recent record, the Leyland Slapdick’s new mantra is this, “Who would you replace him with?”
I absolutely LOVE this line of thinking. I mean, of the billions of people inhabiting Planet Earth, there is nobody who could possible replace a guy who in over a THREE-THOUSAND GAME SAMPLE HAS A RECORD OF BELOW .500!!!!!!
Yep, the Detroit Sports Media sure made a big deal about the fact that Cancer Stick won his 1,500th career game earlier in the year. They were all over the story when Dave Dombrowski sent Leyland a congratulatory bottle of champagne and some cigars to the clubhouse after that victory.
But where were Tom Gage, Lynn Henning and John Lowe when Leyland LOST the 1,500th game of his career LAST SEPTEMBER? Nobody bothered to bang a keyboard and write about that milestone. And I am guessing no one sent Leyland any liquor or smokes either.
Yep, there is not one person in all of baseball who could POSSIBLY manage the Tigers other than the Perrysburg Putz. At least that is what his defenders would have you believe.
Now, I am not an expert on the minor leagues, but I am going to go out on a limb and say that the next Joe Maddon or Mike Scioscia is probably down in the bushes somewhere looking for an opportunity.
And I don’t know if that person is former Cubs great Ryne Sandberg or former Tigers’ scrub Tory Luvullo or some other dude looking for his first opportunity, but I am willing to roll the dice.
I know I am demanding guy, but the following is the only criteria that I would like to see met when the next manager is hired in Detroit:
1) The guy cannot have a history of allowing an abortion of a catcher to go 0-for-6 while leaving 47 runners on base during the 163rd game of the season.
2) In his previous gigs, the next manager should not have fallen in love with scrappy, shitty middle infielders (Adam Everett, Neifi Perez, Will Rhymes, etc.) because they remind him of his time as a minor leaguer.
3) The guy shouldn’t spit fried chicken out of his grill while giving post-game interviews.
4) If you have EVER batted a guy THIRD with a career OPS under .650 you are automatically eliminated from consideration.
5) If you ever batted a guy SECOND in a lineup during a PLAYOFF GAME and who had been released from YOUR team TWICE during THAT year and who never played another Major League Baseball game EVER AGAIN AFTER THAT SEASON, don’t even bother applying. (http://www.baseball-reference.com/players/g/gomezal01.shtml)
6) If you have ever even HEARD of Don Kelly, keep walking.
7) If you are afraid to use your Check-Swing Strikeout Machine third baseman as an emergency catcher because you are afraid to damage his fragile psyche or upset his big-mouth wife, this isn’t the position for you.
8) No interest in a guy whose definition of managing a bullpen is refusing to utilize his closer in a tie game in the ninth, but wastes him in a 5-run game a week later.
9) If you think that 84 pitches through eight innings on an 85-degree day in Pittsburgh is taxing, please move along.
10) Eliminate any candidate who weighs about a buck forty and look like Hitler with AIDS and who likes to bully low-hanging fruit on the tree like Ryan (Buffalo Wild Wing Billboard) Field and Jeff Riger during media scrums. (Poor Dave Riger, the guy suddenly became the Don Swayze of the family this week.)
11) Bragging that you have no idea how to use a computer isn’t a good idea in the interview process. Acting like the fans of your team don’t understand the game even though they eat, drink and breathe it …… probably not wise either.
13) Nobody who ever hired a third base coach who wears size 48 pants is eligible.
14) As a matter of fact, if you even KNOW someone who once got fired in Pittsburgh, you are disqualified. (Dave Wannstedt and Michael Therrien included.)
15) Your resume should not say that you once quit a gig and blamed it on Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris.
I am sure there is someone who Dave Dombrowski can find that meets the above conditions if DD himself isn’t run out of town as well at the end of this year.
Forget What I Wrote Last Week, I Want Nick Lidstrom Back
Ummm, well this is awkward. After spending 1,500 words just a few days ago explaining why I didn’t think it would be that big a deal if Nick Lidstrom retired, fellow defenseman Brian Rafalski shockingly decided to call it quits.
And while I think the Wings would have been able to adequately replace Lidstrom’s $6.2 million dollar salary in the UFA market there is NO WAY IN HELL that they want over $12 million in salary cap space to replace two perennial All-Star defenseman.
This is not a banner free-agent crop and having that much money to spend would be like giving a $500 Omaha Steak gift certificate to Paul McCartney.
And can we stop all of the Ed Jovanovski talk now PLEASE? It ain’t 1999 folks.
The Phoenix Coyotes defenseman is about to turn 35-years old and is not exactly a picture of health. He played 66 games last year and only 50 this past season.
Rafalski’s sudden retirement is a wonderful excuse to get younger on the blueline and adding ANOTHER banged-up defenseman is an asinine plan. Especially if he is going to want anything near his current $6.5 million dollar deal.
Another rumor that won’t seem to die is the Wings making a play for Winnipeg Jets (I just like the sound of that again) defenseman Zach Bogosian this offseason.
And while I loved the dude’s work in “Talk Radio” and “Blade: Trinity”, I am not exactly a huge fan of potentially trading Valtteri Filppula, Jakub Kindl and a first-round draft pick for a guy who was a -27 last year.
Yeah, I know the former third pick overall has the potential to be the next Jack Johnson and lower his Plus/Minus to a more reasonable -17, but giving up a damn good two-way forward, a promising defenseman and a first round selection is a prohibitive price to pay.
I now have my fingers crossed that #5 will come back for one more year and the Wings will be able to pluck either Kevin Bieksa or Christian Ehrhoff from the soon to be Stanley Cup champion Canucks.
And then hopefully Lidstrom will retire NEXT offseason and the Wings can replace him with Nashville Predator defenseman Ryan Suter.
Who ever said I couldn’t admit when I was wrong? Put your fucking hands down, people.
Derrick Williams or Bust
From the minute it was announced that the Minnesota Timberwolves were in possession of the second pick in the upcoming NBA Draft, their GM David Khan has made it pretty clear he is willing to deal out of that slot.
Now, I am not sure exactly why it appears that Khan is so adamant about getting out of #2 in what appears to be a two player draft, but we are talking about the most ridiculed GM in sports so who the fuck knows what he is thinking.
Look, I am not sure that Joe Dumars has enough ammunition to trade the Wolves his #8 pick in the draft and package it with anything else on the Pistons current putrid roster to move up to grab Arizona’s Derrick Williams, but it is sure worth a phone call.
And if Khan isn’t willing to trade the Pistons the #2 pick in the Draft, maybe Dumars could work out some sort of deal for Ricky Rubio.
And if all else fails, hell, maybe the two can form a Darko Milicic Support Group while they are on the line.
And Finally …..
What the fuck has gotten into tornados? Were they jealous of all the media coverage Tsunami’s have been receiving?
Couldn’t they have left poor Middle America alone and just gone on a drunken bender with Lindsey Lohan?
Thank you and I’ll be appearing all next week at the Fort Mill Comedy Zone.