Mitch Albom Can Go Fuck Himself

Last week I wrote an article regarding how I would fix the Detroit Free Press sports section if I won the PowerBall and somehow anointed myself to replace Kevin Bull as the paper’s sports editor.

The column went over pretty well with the exception being I believe Detroit News Lions beat writer Justin Rogers was upset that I picked Kyle Meinke of MLive.com as the person to cover Detroit’s football team while Dave Birkett received a promotion to columnist. I didn’t pick Rogers over Meinke for any other reason than the former moving from the News to the Freep would be lateral. They both do fine work.

I just thought with the recent exodus of MLive staff that this would be a good way to keep Meinke in town. Of course, I doubt Rogers really cared about my opinion, but it’s probably annoying to have Meinke show up at the Tom Kowalski Media Room in Allen Park every day with a printed version of my post, waving it in Rogers’ face.

Of all the nasty, vitriolic and hurtful things I have ever written on this website, the torment that I unintentionally caused Rogers might be my biggest regret.

Anyway, there was another comment in my article that hasn’t caused as much division — my suggestion that the Freep FINALLY get rid of Mitch Albom and replace his bloated seven-figure salary with 20 to 25 young, hungry journalists and editors. My point being, the only thing worse than his atrocious, infrequently posted sports articles are his Sunday columns. And like clockwork, the Keebler Elf wrote one of his most tone deaf, despicable “Everything Was Better Back Then” columns over the weekend.

An article that attempted to compare and contrast taking your kid to their freshman year of college in 1967 versus 2017. You’d have a hard time figuring out who penned it …..

….. some Hashtag MakeAmericaGreatAgain imbecile or Condescending Baggins himself. And it’s actually difficult to figure out what is more offensive, Albom’s glorification of what the world was like 50 years ago or the prism through which he views current day life. I am not going to provide a link to this trash, but unfortunately, I will have to give you a couple of examples.

Are you fucking kidding me? An attack on transgender people the week the President banned them from serving in the military? That’s a good look, ya douche bag. And what’s with this “Leave It to Beaver”-ism of this country’s history? I guess the midget would rather we go back to a day where women stayed with their abusers and men settled for unhappiness in loveless marriages as opposed to divorce. Who are you, The Catholic Church?

Can we pause a moment here and ask what even inspired this moron to write this column? He doesn’t have a kid entering college. He claims that he was recently on a campus where other parents were moving up their young adults, but I take everything Albom says about college students with a grain of salt. If you don’t, I have a book to sell you in which Chris Webber states that he couldn’t afford a pizza from Cottage Inn while in Ann Arbor. And may I introduce you to Jason Richardson and Mateen Cleaves’ travel itinerary?

But let’s get back to his Ozzie and Harriet bullshit ….

Now he is taking shots at Planned Parenthood and condoms? What in the holy name of fuckery. I am not going to post all of his juxtapositions but trust me, they are all as bad as the above. And you know what, it is actually obvious which is more offensive between his view of 1967 as some sort of idyllic “Pleasantville” and his attacks on millennial culture in 2017. His 1967 thinking is WAY FUCKING WORSE.

Here is how I would have PERSONALLY written some of the “OLD” comparisons if I were 5-foot-4 and had the ego the size of Montana …

OLD: “As we said our final goodbyes, I told our son Jimmy Whitebread not to worry about us back home even though our city was on fire due to the negroes being upset that it’s only been about a year since “White Only” bathrooms and water fountains were actually allowed in this country.”

OLD: “Don’t get too comfortable here, Steven. If we get a notice in the mail that you’ve been drafted to go fight in a pointless war a world away against an enemy that’s done nothing to you personally, we will come back up to State U. and pick up all of your belongings and ship you off to the jungle where you might lose your limbs or die needlessly.”

OLD: “Now that you are out of the house, Susan, it’s going to be so much easier to beat the living shit out of your mom without having to worry about her leaving me because divorce is such a taboo subject. I’ll even be able to throw a lamp at her head with zero repercussions whatsoever!!!!!”

OLD: “Hey Billy, did you see a colored is going to play in the SEC this season?”

Whenever Gannett decides to replace executive editor Robert Huschka — who was relieved of his duties in July — that new boss really has to make it a priority to get rid of this sentimental fucktard. Who needs this on the pages of the Freep when you can get it 24 hours a day on Fox News?

Then Albom can devote all of his time to writing poorly reviewed novellas for a bunch of fawning, post-menopuasal women.

(You can follow Moss on Twitter @JeffMossDSR. You can discuss this article on Facebook by clicking here. You can also go fuck yourself if you’d like. Totally up to you.)

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