We started the DetroitSportsRag.com 15 years ago this week and the name of the website was picked for a specific reason. Rag. That was the first tip-off that this place was going to be a cesspool — and it hasn’t disappointed.
Rag. Rip. Shred. Destroy. That was always going to be a tenet of this website (one that predated Deadspin, Awful Announcing, The Big Lead, etc.) and there was not a bigger motivation to create this hellhole than Detroit News beat writer Chris McCosky.
“Officer Barbrady” was covering the Pistons for the paper at the time and, as I wrote the other day, this psychopath had his tongue so far up Joe Dumars’ ass that you would have thought McCosky was conjoined to Joe D’s rectum.
So it is apropos that we kick off the 15th anniversary week of the DSR off with a blog about McCosky. The man’s appeal to authority needed to be checked in 2003 and nothing has changed as of 2018. Fuck, if anything, shit has gotten worse.
Just check out his Sunday morning Tweets regarding Ron Gardenhire. Or, as McCucky** belovedly refers to the new Tigers manager ….. “Gardy.”
We will get to the batting order in a few moments, but let’s start with “nobody knows the vagaries and intricacies of lineup construction better than Gardy.”
Is this mental patient — he literally should be in a padded room — serious? Nobody knows lineup construction better than Garbagehire? Ummm, one of the reasons the guy was fired by the Twins was because he refused to use platoons. A man who saw no inherent advantage in platoon splits is the be-all, end-all when it comes to lineup construction?!!?!?!?!?
[** — For 15 years we’ve referred to McCosky as “Officer Barbrady” because of a striking resemblance — both physically and mentally — to the dimwitted, slow cop on “South Park.”
But we have added “McCucky” as a new moniker based on his subservience to those he covers professionally. The man is already “Gardy’s” hype man and we haven’t even hit Opening Day. McCucky falls in love quicker than Taylor Swift, for fuck’s sake.]
When someone asked McCucky the obvious question of whether or not he was on the take from the Tigers, the bi-polar kook lost it ….
I hope the News is proud to employ this maniac. And of course, he referred to his new BFF as “Gardy.” Again.
The funniest part is that even Garbagehire doesn’t think he has all of the answers about lineup construction. Nor does the new dinosaur manager of the team believe that he is the preeminent soothsayer of batting orders ….
This Tweet from Evan Woobery came mere hours after McCosky’s lecture that nobody in the world knew the “intricacies” and “vagaries” of lineup construction better than Gardenhose.
Look, I am not going to write about the Tigers much this season. There is no point. They are going to be bad and Garbagehire is going to do stupid shit like sacrifice bunt in the second inning of American League games with Mike Fiers on the mound with a radioactive bullpen ready to come in at a moment’s notice.
There couldn’t have been a much worse hire than an old-school, 60-year-old cancer survivor who was about to RETIRE FROM THE GAME OF BASEBALL before Al Avila snatched him from the managerial graveyard. Seriously. This is from a recent Lynn Henning puff piece ….
Yep. Gardenhire was done. Kaput. Had enough. And then Avila offered him the Tigers gig. You can’t even make this shit up.
But this team would be trash no matter who Avila hired so I am not going to write an article about every asinine bullpen move Gardenhire makes. I don’t really fucking care. If the owner of this franchise doesn’t give a shit about the organization, why should I?
My only rooting interest this year is this ….. the Tigers to lose over 100 games, attendance to be well under two million fans, and the team’s ratings on 97.1 and Fox Sports Detroit to plummet like the Demon Drop.
And for Chris Ilitch to become the most hated man in Detroit. (More on that later this week.)
But I do want to comment really quickly on this batting order mishegas. If the Tigers actually employ a lineup with a dude at leadoff who owns a career on-base percentage of .300 (Leonys Martin) with Jose Iglesias and his career OBP of .316 batting second — that will be absolutely hysterical.
Because that would mean:
A) Garbagehire totally ignored the analytics department and ….
B) He lied to your face when he said he was open to sabermetrics upon being hired.
Which, of course, I told you at the time.
This team is going to be a toxic dump managed by another flat-earther dope.
Which would be bad enough if we didn’t also have to deal with the team’s beat writers yelling at us and calling us names for not enjoying the impending ass rape.
The DSR’s 15-year extravaganza will continue tomorrow. It will be Michael Stone’s turn in the barrel.
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