This website is pretty much on hiatus — without a new update on the main page since August 19th — but with only three weeks left until 2019, it was either now or never to run the 2018 Detroit Worst Sports Media Personality tournament.
I have been dreading writing this preview and procrastinating for days, but hashtag time’s up. Maybe I will get lucky and have a massive coronary while typing it. To make this as easy as possible on myself, I am going to write it like an Axios article.
What is it? Can you read? It’s a 64 person tournament to decide the worst sports media member in Detroit. It’s like the NCAA basketball tournament, just full of morons.
What’s the criteria? You’ve gotta be bad at your job to qualify. Also, it’s not a lifetime achievement award. Only shittiness from April of 2017 through current day can be considered. For example, the dopey Jeff Riger of 97.1 didn’t make the field this year. Why? Because his comments that Tomas Holmstrom was a better Red Wing than Sergei Fedorov and Emmitt Smith was better than Barry Sanders occurred prior to April of ’17.
How do I vote? You can vote on Twitter or on the DSR Facebook page. 33.3% weight will be given to Twat, the awful website owned by Jewish people who tried to demonize George Soros with anti-Semitic attacks, and the DSR’s Elite members on our hidden Slack page. No, you can’t join the Slack page. Don’t ask. We are running the tourney this year to guarantee no shenanigans. We want a just winner and no ballot stuffing.
Who won it last year? The Freep’s Anthony Fenech.
Why it matters? It doesn’t.
Who Are The #1 Seeds?
Chris McCosky (Detroit News) — The presumptive favorite in a wide-open field. This five-tool imbecile really distinguished himself over the last 18 months with his admission that he HID NEWS from the public to protect Brad Ausmus because he was in love with the failed ex-Tigers manager. The compromised dipshit has consistently been one of the worst in Detroit — always developing a crush on his subjects — but his acknowledgement that he didn’t report news because of his affection for Ausmus was an all-timer.
Mitch Albom (Detroit Free Press) — The Keebler Elf is barely a sports writer at this point. His main purpose at the Freep these days is to write columns about the Lions. So how did he achieve the lofty #1 seed status? Albom is in bed with Matthew Stafford. The Lions QB gave Albom’s charity a SEVEN-FIGURE donation and Stafford’s only regular radio appearance is on Condescending Baggins’ show. So, it’s probably not a coincidence that the ONLY person left in Detroit who isn’t ripping #9’s performance is the guy who accepted a million-dollar check from Kelly’s husband. The big-eared dwarf does mental gymnastics to defend his boy. The Sean Hannity-Donald Trump relationship is less compromised.
Carlos Monarrez (Detroit Free Press) — This buffoon actually decided it would be beneficial career-wise to become the new Drew Sharp at his paper. He writes stuff so moronic that even his own co-workers and peers mock him. He penned a column stating that Matt Patricia had lost his players. He wrote this two months before his first training camp with the team. He also suggested the Lions mortgage their future to trade for a 40-year-old Tom Brady. At least Sharp was original with his troll persona; it even predated Skip Bayless and the like. This dingbat actually plagiarized Sharp’s act. A true homage.
Graham Couch (Lansing State Journal) — This is a DETROIT tournament. Do you know how bad you have to be at your job to be based out of LANSING and get a #1 seed in DETROIT? Imagine a TV show being so fucking good that it got a nomination for the Best Picture Oscar. That’s basically Couch if you were in Bizarro World. This guy actually thinks he is an intellectual, but he is clearly one of the dumbest creatures you’ll ever engage. As if to spike the football when he learned of a #1 seed, he wrote an article explaining why he left Duke, Kansas and Tennessee off his most recent AP ballot.
He also trivialized the Michigan men’s basketball plane crash in the time since we last held this tournament:
This schmohawk also thinks it’s funny to make fun of football players dealing with brain injuries. I swore I’d never give a top seed to someone located out-state, but this shit-for-brains caused me to give in.
Will Susan Lucci Finally Break Through?
Will this finally be the year that Lynn Henning wins the Horse’s Ass trophy?
In 2012, Henning reached the Fucked Up Four but lost to the eventual champion (Michael RosenNEBBISH) in the semis.
In 2014, Henning was upended by Albom in the Excrement Eight — the only time the imbecile failed to reach a Fucked Up Four.
In 2015, “Go Soak Your Head” Henning lost in the finals to the Virginal Manatee Scott Anderson by a mere three votes, a crushing defeat that is still controversial in some DSR circles. There were more shenanigans in that contest than a North Carolina congressional race.
In 2016, Henning lost again in the semifinals, this time to the now-retired Terry Foster.
But 2017 looked to be Lynn’s year. He ran through the early rounds like a man possessed. In the first round, he annihilated Bob Duff 90% to 10%. In round two, he crushed Matthew B. (Aggressive) Mowery 91% to 9%. He then proceeded to destroy one of the tourney favorites — Robert Wojnowski — 66% to 34% in a battle of awful Detroit News employees.
When Henning dispensed of Riger by a score of 62% to 38% in the Excrement Eight, it became conventional wisdom that Henning was finally going to win the hyberBOWL title. His victory over Doug Karsch in the FUF by a wide margin (59% to 41%) with Fenech only squeaking by the Sexless Whale on the other side of the bracket made the final seem perfunctory.
But Fenech would not be denied as he took an early lead and never let up, winning by a final tally of 52% to 48%. Fenech built a firm foundation over the last few years with his drunk driving escapades that included flipping over a PT Cruiser; sexually harassing a co-worker at the CMU school newspaper; stalking a fellow student at Central; getting punched out at a Downriver bar for hitting on a dude’s girl; banging a superior at the Freep; and just being an absolutely awful writer on top of his horrific personality traits.
Can the former Deacon — who was defrocked by the Catholic Church after a divorce — win it in 2018? Only time will tell.
Can Fenech Repeat?
There have been no repeat winners in the tourney. And to the best of our knowledge, Fenech hasn’t flipped over his car in the last 18 months or told a girl he liked that her boyfriend was hideous. It would be a longshot for back-to-back titles.
What the FUCK is a Joseph Hayes?
It’s unbelievable that a dude who writes for the Times Herald in PORT HURON made this bracket. What’s even more amazing is if the guy wasn’t a total nobody from BFE his odds of winning this would be 1 to 5.
Who else could give you this Daily Double on sports and politics?
If you want my full article on this maniac from last year, you can click here.
While on the topic of sports and politics, I’d be remiss not to mention this monumental asshat. It’s hard to believe, but in a bracket with McCosky and Fenech, this MAGA Motherfucker might be the WORST human being entered.
When this douche isn’t liking Trump Tweets and promoting anti-Hillary memes, he is at Mark Dantonio and Tom Izzo press conferences running interference for him when REAL journalists asking legit questions.
For example, when the press is grilling Izzo about the Larry Nassar scandal or Travis Walton‘s behavior while he was living in the MSU basketball coach’s basement, it’s this shill Carpenter who is interceding with hard hitting questions like, “What did Nick Ward eat last night?” [Spoiler Alert: Everything.]
It would be a farce if this nimrod won the entire thing. But it would be a farce I could get behind.
Who Is Your Sleeper Pick?
Look out for MGoBlog’s Brian Cook as the five seed in the “Gregg Henson Ruining His Kids’ Lives Region” as a potential dark horse. MGoBrian had a tremendous run over the last year and a half, including:
** — Turning OFF the comments section on his website after the OSU loss in 2017. (Not to be confused with any of U of M’s other losses to the Buckeyes over the last 20 years.)
** — Cook writing that he didn’t care about Michigan football any longer after the Notre Dame loss.
** — Jerking off to the “Revenge Tour” in between the ND defeat and the Ohio State thrashing.
** — Copping out — as usual — and claiming that Michigan football was in hell rather than offering a MUCH NEEDED critique and colonoscopy of the Jim Harbaugh era in Ann Arbor and ripping #Harbust’s antiquated offense. Going with the “Lost” creator’s finale episode was quite a strong statement.
Who Were the Past Winners?
2012 — Michael Rosenberg
2013 — (Lazy Moss Didn’t Do it)
2014– Terry Foster
2015 — Scott Anderson
2016 — Drew Sharp
2017 — Anthony Fenech
Any interesting newcomers to the bracket?
Yes. There are a couple of writers from the Athletic included (Craig Custance and Emily Waldon) and fuckstick fanboy Lions blogger Jeremy Reisman from Pride of Detroit. Also, we broke the rules and allowed Lauren Theisen of Deadspin in even though she is a “national writer.”
Theisen got into the bracket off of ONE article that ended with one of the dumbest fucking quotes in the HISTORY of mankind:
Yes, the Red Wings’ big need these days is Darren McCarty. Not one of the top 20 centers to ever play the game or one of the top five defensemen in NHL history. Fuck out of here with that shit.
She also wrote:
The team won three cups in the Yzerman age, and when he passed his captaincy on to Nick Lidstrom, there was enough left for one more run in 2008, when a radically different team won a Game 7 against Pittsburgh thanks to a heartstopping last-second save from Chris Osgood.
Yeah, that save was in Game SIX, ya dummy. Huge Red Wings fan. Obviously.
What’s the Most Interesting First Round Matchup?
Ummm, Rod Allen vs. Mario Impemba in an ECW Extreme Rules matchup.
When does this tournament start?
Tuesday morning. Enjoy.